Inspiring and confronting day

4YoungPeople SummerSchool 15-06-2013

Today I’ve had another inspiring but confronting day. I’ve met a lot of amazing people and I’ve learned something new about myself.

I signed up for the workshop “Op Volle Kracht Vooruit” (Full Power …..). This day for me was to figure out what I want and what I need to do to figure out what I want. We’ve learned a lot of cool things and some of us were confronted by things.

First of all we had to draw a picture of who we were or where we wanted to go, what a wish was. We talked about that in little groups (there were 11 people in total in the group) so we could explain what we drew.

Than we had to write down what we thought were our talents.

Later we had to stand across from each other and try to picture what the person across from you was good at. What his/ her strengths were. After that exercise we could check what the two had in common. If what we thought where our strengths were actually seen by other people as well. Mine were accurate and some things that were pointed out surprised me that people picked that up. I’m not going to get into more detail with that one.

There was a little part where we had to feel what tight energy felt like and what relaxed energy felt like. We had to put our arm on another’s shoulder and cramp up all our muscles, the other person had to pull the arm down. That took a lot of energy, on both sides. Later we had to find our CHI, and totally relaxed put the arm back and tell our self that “they won’t be able to pull my arm down”. We had visualise. That didn’t take any energy.

After writing down our strengths we had to figure out what stood in the way of getting our dreams full filled. Those exercises where hard and confronting. My biggest one is that I can’t make any decisions and that I’m always doubting what I’m going to do next. Pretty exhausting that is, let me tell you 😉 I never really realised that until I had to dig deeper and find my “spark, drive”. Why do I do what I do, what do I believe in.
I picked enthusiasm and positivity, but I wasn’t able to explain why. Those words came up but I didn’t know why. Maybe because I was looking at it all wrong. I didn’t go deep and find was I was looking for in myself, what I wanted to do. I started with that I had a dream and from there on out I wanted to find my spark. Which apparently was  pretty hard.
We had to present our findings with the group, which was also a big step and hard to do cause I didn’t really know what I had to say. When I told my “on the spot made up” story I was all over the place, it wasn’t a logical story. I have a lot of interests and don’t know what I really want. Our coach Pim (Positief Ingesteld Mens, Positvely Mindset Man) told me that I needed to make a discission and the moment he said that I was like “Yeah duh, I know that, but there’s to much to pick from”. I was afraid I would  make the wrong discission, but as Pim nicely pointed out, there is no wrong decision if you want to move forward 😉

After our little presentation he handed us all a wooden board. On the front we had to write down what holds us back and on the back where we wanted to go/ what our wish was. I couldn’t figure out what one thing I wanted on the front and the moment that I realised I couldn’t decide I thought “AHAH! That’s it”.I knew at that moment that that’s a big part of what drains me, I can’t decide. I literally felt that sucking my energy. So that’s a good thing. When we were done write our board he thought us about punching through it. He wanted all of us to break our board. After a few people broke theirs I was thinking “Fuck It, I’m going to break mine too”. I was kind of sceptic about me breaking it, but that’s always good I figure. I handed the board over and said “decisiveness” is going to have to go. I stood there not thinking about the board at all, even though I was quite nervous about standing in front of those people watching me. I didn’t think about the board, only about the punch and I did it! I broke the freaking board! It was amazing.

A few people didn’t break the board and made the decision not to try again. That was brave also. To do what you want and not think for other people, pick a side and stick to it, no matter what other people might think. The people who weren’t able to break theirs were strong to stick to their decision not to go again. Theirs will break eventually, I’m sure of it.

I needed a day like today, I’m an other bit closer to finding out who I am and what I want to do in life and also what my pitfalls are. But if you know what it is you can work on it. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do! 😀

Total randomness: the introduction

A lot of the time when I don’t have things to do or when I’m on the way to some other place my mind just keeps rambling thoughts and images. I think in images a lot and thoughts mostly pop-up. When I don’t hang on to a though the next one comes popping up quickly.

I thought it would be hilarious to write stuff like that down to see where my thoughts go and what I’m actually thinking about. See if there’s a pattern and if there’s stuff I’d like to think about more and work it out. It would also be a great way to see what things frustrate me and what things make me laugh.

To do this I’m going to sit down and for about 30 minutes I’m going to write down what I see and think.

So now I am trying to start with this little exercise. Curious about what comes out 😀
– I hear some birds
– Yah the SUN
– Oh there goes the sun …..
– My nail polish looks awesome
– h
– g
– What am I going to think about now
– Love the SUN
– I need to go an make some breakfast
– Don’t forget to take your pills before breakfast
– WOW
– There’s a little bit of wind
– The leafs of the tree are really green
– 🙂
– I see a lot but don’t have many thoughts at the moment …….
– hmmmmmmm
– You make a lot of noise little duck
– Happiness
– Silence
– I’m content

So there’s a couple of thoughts going on. This was only 5 minutes, if I really make it till 30 I probably have a bunch to write about 😀

I think I’m going to like this little exercise, I hope you too 😉

Have a great day y’all!

-xxx-

What is it with Supernatural?

I always was a big fan of tv-shows and movies and there was always a show that I couldn’t get enough of.
It used to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer and later Angel. I don’t know how many times I watched those series but it was a lot.

Now I’m totally hooked on Supernatural. I never really thought I would like Supernatural till last year. I was surfing YouTube and saw there were loads of interviews of Jared and Jensen. The moment I saw that I thought: “I know when I’m going to watch that interview I want to watch the show and will be hooked”. Wow was I right 😀 I got the series and watched it all without watching my “normal” weekly shows in between….
And I didn’t watch it only once, no I think I watched the whole series at least 4 times already!

I used to think that show was only about two guys chasing evil scary monsters, but it isn’t! It is a show about two brothers who lost their brotherhood and because of circumstances have to get on the road together.

The reason I love this show is because of the brotherly bond and their struggles through life. The fact they’re on a huge road trip is also pretty amazing.
There is this amazing YouTube video about this show which captures exactly why I watch it.
It’s also this feeling I get when watching this show. That the brothers do everything for each other makes it so emotional and their difference about the hunting life makes it real.
The stories are so real and the life of Sam and Dean are realistic. They even use material about urban legends, demons and angels that can be found all over. This is what makes it great.

In one of the interviews they say they only get the script a few days before shooting an episode and even after that the writers still change before production. That’s also a part you can see, the actors don’t overly rehearse those lines, but make them their own.

Chemistry between the cast, and not just between Jared and Jensen, is also very visible. You see they trust each other and have fun, otherwise this show wouldn’t last that long.

One other thing I really love about the show is their fanbase, also known as the SPNFamily. In interviews you see these guys really appreciate all the fans and the videos about the Conventions look al amazing. I’d love to experience the bond in real one day. I haven’t been able to come to one yet, but hopefully soon. Especially when I don’t knap how long this show will run for, they already start production of season 9 next season!

I can write so much more about this amazing show, but that’s probably not a good idea 😉
If you want to know more I would say “Start watching the show”. I’d you do, I know you’re going to love it just like me and alm the other fans 😀

Enjoy!!!!!!

Courage, strength, bullies & rotten apples: my story about being bullied.

Some of you know I’ve been bullied for a long time, some of you don’t. I really want to tell you my story. I want to share my story to victims, bullies and people that I care about. I want to share this with people and if I can reach people with this story that would be great, but it’s not why I write this down.

If I send you this link in person it means I trust you and want you to know what’s going on with me. If you stumbled on this story or got it forwarded by someone it means someone cares. I’d like to think everything happens for a reason and even though I don’t know what it is I believe this story is meant to be found by you.

It’s a long story so please bare with me. I have a lot to say. Mostly I talk about myself and my experiences/ feelings, but I’ll also addresses bullies and victims a bit. Please be aware that this is a long and heavy story and you might be shocked. But in the end it all turned out well.

So here it goes.

After 20 I can finally say I have closed the book of me in which I’ve been bullied during primary and high school.
This weekend there was a reunion of my primary school. I had an awful time when I was there and it’s been haunting me for the last 20 years. I’ve been bullied since I can remember and it started there. I’ve been bullied for about 10 years. I don’t know how young I was but it must have been before I even was 8 years old. I was tall, had acne, glasses and in the end also braces. I don’t quite remember what people were saying to me but I know it happened.

I used to think the whole class was rotten, but it were only a handful of kids. Two where the worst, the rest just followers. An other thing I didn’t realize until now is that I wasn’t the only one in my class to be bullied. I knew I wasn’t the only one but I just realized it when I heard a classmate say she was bullied as well.

When I left primary school and started high school I was optimistic that finally that bad period was behind me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. There weren’t a lot of people from primary in my high school, but the bullying felt worse than ever. At one point in my first year in high school I thought it was enough. I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted it all to end and I couldn’t see a way out anymore. When my dad found out he told me to write a letter to the class where I would explain my feelings and thoughts. Apparently people where shocked when the letter was read out loud. I wasn’t there, I didn’t want to, that was to much to ask of me. I changed classes right after and the first year was good, then it started again and I just left it at that. I think I blocked it all out. I don’t even remember the last couple of years of high school, I’m not sure if I want to remember either.

I think the bullying continued until I was around 17. A couple of years ago I found out I was an Highly Sensitive Person. Not to be confused with overly emotional sensitivity but I experience things different than 80% of the population. I can feel what people feel and I experience influences from around me more intense. I taste, hear, feel, smell, see more intense than others. It’s best to be explained as when women are pregnant. They are also hyper sensitive. Only difference: they have to deal with that for 9 months, or a little longer until the hormones are gone. The nervous system of an HSP is wired differently so they can pick up all the senses other people can’t. When I first realized I was HSP I thought all the bullying never happened. Especially because I didn’t remember much of it. I used to think I should stop complaining cause I didn’t remember it. Now I know that it doesn’t matter what really happened, because I know what I felt and that’s important. And even though I can’t remember it all, I know it happened in some degree and I still remember, but mostly I remember the feeling.

When I was 23 I feel like I just started living. That was the time when I left home to study abroad for a year. Maybe I wanted to leave because it was easy to run away to a foreign country and start a life there. When I look back now I notice that that was the time when I started to live my life. It feels like I was just born when I was 23 and I don’t remember much before that. I know I went to school and did things, but it feels like someone else’s life. That year in the states was the best year of my life. I made some great friendships and I had the time of my life. I had fun and people liked me and there weren’t any bullies around me. There was drama for sure, but I didn’t experience any bullying. Since then my life’s been going upward.

A few years back I started doing things and listening to my heart more. Before that I either didn’t do things or I just tagged along because it was expected of me. If  I didn’t feel it and still went along I had a bad time. I never told that, because that would’t sound okay, so I kept my mouth shut and swallowed those feelings. Now I only do the things I want to do and feel lie doing. I don’t care if people want to come along with me I’ll do them no matter who tags along. I follow my dreams, go to concerts, movies, dinner etcetera. I take trips all over the globe and most of all I only do things I really want to do and not because someone else would want me to do it. Since I decided to do that I started feeling better and better. I life alone and I like not being dependent on anyone. Now I can just decide I want to go away for the weekend and if I have the money I do that. I also say no a lot more than before. If I don’t feel like going out I don’t and that feels good. I also tried to stay positive. It was hard and sometimes it will be so hard but if you have a smile on your face you soften your pain. I don’t like to complain, never have, never will and I caught myself in the act of complaining a lot. So when I was aware I tried not to. Sometimes it’s good to complain, but to much. I hate negativity, even if it comes from within myself, I also always hated that, and I try to stay away from negative things/ people/ news etcetera. It feels good to leave all that stuff behind and don’t pay attention to it. Pay attention to the good things in life, don’t get me wrong I know how hard that is, but if you try than at one point you see it more and more and the negativity will get smaller and smaller.

When I used to think about reunions I always thought I would never go to one. Especially not to a school where the kids treated me so bad. My first instinct when I found out this reunion was planned, was: No way, I’m not going. Later that year I received a couple of friend requests on Facebook from former classmates. I accepted and a couple talked about the reunion and that it was supposed to be fun. I still hesitated but a couple of weeks before the reunion I figured: Why the hell not. If I don’t like it and don’t have fun I can always go home again. So I decided to go. I was pretty nervous, cause I didn’t know what to expect. That feeling went away quickly when I had arrived though.

There were about 12 of us at the reunion and we had a blast. It was good seeing all of them and when I can look back now I know those people were the same in primary school. They hadn’t changed, I just never realized, or just couldn’t see, that they never did anything to me.
It’s very sad to see that a few rotten apples can make you feel everybody is against you. I realize now that not everybody was against me back then and it feels good I can just be myself around them now. I’m proud of myself, and the other people who’d been bullied in our class, that I/we showed up and had a great time. It’s a great group and we all talked about going and get a drink sometime. We might, but the intention is good and it felt sincere.

At the reunion I heard that one of the bullies was scared to come and one other had a pretty bad life.
When I heard about the later one I thought: “Karma is a ………” I don’t usually think or say that but that was the first thing that popped into my mind. To this person I would like to say: I feel bad you’re life isn’t going well and I forgive you for what you put me through.

To the person that was afraid if showing up I would like to say: If you showed up and apologized we could shake hands. I would’ve thought that would be pretty amazing if that happened. That would be an act of pure courage. Now I would like to say: I forgive you and now it’s time to forgive yourself and start living your life. I don’t know if I would be able to tell it to their faces, I have no idea how I’d react if I would run into them, but I’d like to believe that I could happily look them in the eye.

The day after the reunion I went to my parents house for dinner and after that I took a nice long bath. I told them about the reunion and that it felt like some weight had been lifted. I felt different and I was proud of myself for going, they were as well. It felt silly to be proud, but it’s was a big thing so yes I can be proud for facing my past. The moment I sat in the bathtub I knew it. I thought “And now it’s over, its done” and it felt so good! I left the lights out so it was dark in the bathroom but I needed that. I knew it was over and I felt lighter. When I walked home and thought about my realisation I wanted to share it with a friend. So I called a friend. I told her that this book was finally closed and I needed someone to talk to. When I told her I got teared up I felt weird about that, which I said. My friend wisely told me that I was allowed to shed some tears. I closed a book that had a hold on me for over 20 years, and it’s good to let the emotions run freely.

The moment I walked into my street I really felt I needed a hug. I went to my neighbours and got one. Normally I just go home and let that feeling pass. This day I didn’t, I needed a hug and some comfort/ relieve  and support. I hung out with her and it felt good. It’s good to feel sad/ angry/ happiness and relieve.

I also feel my pit in my stomach gone. For the last couple of years I had this nervous feeling in my stomach if I thought about something I had to do, even if I just thought about going to the grocery store. When I woke up this morning that was gone. I feel different today, better I think. I can also feel myself better, if that makes any sense. I feel like ME and that’s a good thing. I also suddenly don’t care what people think of my. I’m writing this partly in the movie theatre  where I’m at a festival where they show 5 movies on one day. I’m writing this during the movies and there are people sitting behind me who can watch. I used to feel tense if I would write something so personal and if people were able to watch what I write. I don’t anymore. I feel a lot of relieve right now.

For the people who have been bullied and are still struggling with it I would like to say: It’s okay, it takes time and you’re time will come also that you can let it go. It’ okay for you to cry about it, yell, scream and struggle with it. They destroyed your life and that’s not to be taken lightly. People handle it differently and every story is different, but I believe that bullies aren’t just ruining the life of the person they bully, but they’re also ruining their own. They probably don’t see that when they bully but they experience that later in life. I’m not saying it’s okay to be bullied, definitely not but if you hurt someone it’s not just the one person you hurt it’s also yourself. If not, than you’re not human.

Maybe you want to know how exactly I made it to this point. I don’t know. I’ve been working on myself for the last 7 years now (since I feel like I’m alive) and I’ve been to counselling, talked to a lot of people but I don’t know if that helped in a great way. I picked things up here and there but it wasn’t major. But then again if I don’t think about things aren’t big other people might see it differently. I’ve always thought that when I went and got some help it was the right time in my life. If I wasn’t ready for it, than I wouldn’t seek it out. Not that it made it not hard to seek help, but when I got it it wasn’t a secret. Don’t be afraid to get help. Be aware that there’s so many types of help you might not find it at once. Maybe all you need is someone who just listens to your story, maybe it’s building houses for people who lost their home, maybe it’s being a big brother/ sister, maybe it’s just writing down your story I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. What I do know is that when you’re ready for help you’ll get it.

I would like to share this story with as many people as I can. Pay it forward. Maybe it reaches someone that needs some help or guidance with his/ her past.

I’m not sending this story in the world for people to feel pity for me. I don’t. It happened, it was awful and now it’s over, finally. I don’t want and I sure as hell don’t need any pity. I want to help people to understand what bullying does to people and I want to help others with similar experiences. Do what you want with this story. Even if this story only reaches one person in a way that changes them for the better I would be glad. If it doesn’t than that’s fine too, my story is out there and I’m positive that with this story something positive will come out of it.

Please pass it on if you feel the need. I want to help people process their past and I don’t mind people contacting me about it.

My final say is that I feel so much better, there really is a weight that’s been lifted and even though it feel really weird/ different I’m glad it’s gone. I feel good and just keep doing what I do best: have fun, laugh, smile, do the things I want to do, hang out with great people and stay positive and give something back when and where I can. I like it when I can help people, make them feel better and put a smile on their face/ be there for them when they need an ear/ shoulder. So that’s what I’ll keep doing.

Only because I want to

So lately I’ve been thinking about how much people influence each other. I get influenced a lot regarding Tv-Shows and movies. If someone sais “Hey ….. show is amazing” I immediately go and watch it. If I don’t like the show I used to keep watching it cause I wanted to be able to talk about it. Other shows I used to watch just because they were popular. I kept watching those shows because I felt like it was very important to know everything, and it wasn’t okay if you skipped somethings.

 

Some show’s I only have because I’m afraid that someday I will want to watch it. Even if I don’t wanna watch it now. And those are mostly the shows other people tell me about.

On one hand I like that there are so many shows to watch, but on the other side there’s too many to watch. There’s so many that I like it really feels ridiculous that I have to have more which I don’t like.

Now that I’ve decided that I only watch the shows I wanna watch I feel sort of a weight that’s been lifted. I don’t have to know what happens on every show, especially if I don’t like it. I like to many shows already, it’s time to clean house regarding my TV-show collection and make room for the shows that I really really like.

 

Dreams last week

A couple of things I dreamed last week, but don’t know when and how it ended/ started:

– My mom was looking for a good vain in my left arm. I don’t know if it was to take blood or to put some medicin in it. It feels like it was the first one. My vains are pretty on top in my arms so there shouldn’t be any difficulty to find a good one. I remember my mom reaching one (and pulling her index finger under it) and was wondering if that was a good one or a muscle. There wasn’t any thing to cut of the blood supply on my arm, but I knew we were in a hurry. I remember it was urgent, so it must have been that I was giving blood.

– There was a dream about a Tattoo on my right wrist. I found a picture for it, but it was too big. I want a small one on my wrist but the picture I found was round and very big. I remember there was an older guy wanted to set it, but I wasn’t convinced that I should. I don’t believe I did it.

The first one makes me feel more sure about helping people. I really felt the need to give the blood to someone in need so I did. The later one tells me that I want that tattoo on my right wrist. I’m not sure what it’s going to be, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be there someday, probably sooner than later and it’s going to be small. I also think that I’m going to draw it myself or pick it out and adjust to my liking, just as the one I have on my shoulder. I always thought it was going to be on my left wrist though and my dream showed my right. So I’m not sure which one it’ll be, but I know I’ll figure it out eventually 😉

I wish I could remember more but I’m convinced that I remember the best parts and the parts that I should remember.

Any who that’s what I just remembered and wanted to write down.

Me and the UK … it’s always an adventure

WOW what a day!!! Haha I had an amazing adventure today going to Hove, England, and ended up right where I started: Home! It might be typical and Engand might not like me but I’m not giving up 😀 I’ll will get there one time without any difficulties 😉

So here’s my summary of the last two times I went to the England visiting some friends:
The first time I went to Brighton I found out that my new phone didn’t have any service in England. The rest of the world (well I’ve only visited countries in Europe since but still) there’s no problem, but in England there’s a sim lock. I arrived late at night and wanted to call ahead so the people I stayed with knew what time they could expect me. That didn’t happen so I showed up a little before midnight. Luckily they’re up very late so it wasn’t a problem.

Than there was my trip to London for a show. I’ve wrote about that trip in an earlier post (November 2012) but it was like this in short:
I went to Brighton first for a visit to my friends. My phone still didn’t work so I tried to figure stuff out for that. My plan was to arrive in London around 4pm so I had enough time in London to find my hostel and get something to eat before the show. I was in London and thought I could walk to the hostel. Turned out I got out of the wrong train station and got lost. I arrives at the show almost an hour after the start, I was in time for the main show/performer, but I missed some awesome artists. I met some great people there though. It was a good trip after all but didn’t go without hick ups.

And now this trip …
I found a cheap train ticket to Hove (the website only listen one Hove where I could go by train) so I booked it. I was excited that I could visit some awesome people for a couple of days and it didn’t take me so long to get there. The train went through Antwerp and than to Hove. At Antwerp I checked the trains for Hove and found something strange. After Hove there were all these stations back in Belgium. I got suspicious that there might be an other Hove, but then in Belgium. I went to the information desk and my suspicions were true. The lady told me “Yes but you can’t go to the UK for that amount of money”. How the hell should I know about that. So I asked if I could go to Hove UK and what it costs. It would take me about 2,5 hours and 300 euro’s extra for a round trip. I debated what I should do, stay in Antwerp and look for a cheap room or just go back home. It took me about 30 minutes, with some nice Chai Latte from Starbucks, to decide I just took the train back home.
So now I’m back home, took a nap and had something to eat, not what I was planning but something fast and easy and still can’t get my head around where it all went wrong. I can laugh about it but it was a long day.

So maybe next time there will be no hick ups when I go to Hove or London! I know my phone still doesn’t work there so I have to fix that there but other than that it would be nice if I could just go there normally 😀

I can’t wait for what’s in store for me tomorrow and the day after here back in the Netherlands, wasn’t planning on being here so I’m excited! I know everything happens for a reason so I hope I figure out what that reason is….

But for now here I am with a huge smile on my face, shaking my head in disbelief, typing this up and totally at peace.

From behind this little new tablet of mine I wish you all a very good evening (on this side of the globe) and a very good day in the rest of the world.

Have a good one!

xoxoxo