Things change and so do dreams

Ever since I got back from my Ayahuasca trip my mind and body have been in movement. I’ve been more in touch with what my body wants and how it works, when there is tension and how I feel. My mind has been asking me a lot of questions and I have been thinking a lot about my life and how I want it to be. There’s been emotion ups and downs and I guess that’s normal, but sometimes I analyse too much about what’s going on and what I think I should do or how other people might think about how I live my life. I’ve learned that the way I cope with things and can get some perspective is to write it down so here it goes.

I’m tired off feeling like I have to explain why I do the things I do or don’t do things that others might expect me to do. Mainly I’m tired of trying to explain all this crap to myself and doubting myself. And thinking about what others might think about how I live my life. What do I want my life to become? I am not sure, not in the big scheme that is. I know what I want from life, but I don’t have big dreams. That’s probably what might bother me most is that I feel like I have to create this huge life for myself. I don’t know where that comes from, but I also sorta know I don’t have to create that even though my mind tricks me into believing that sometimes.

Even when writing these blogs I think about what others might think, if I hurt people by sharing my thoughts and feelings or how others might change their opinion about me. I have to remind myself that if I speak my truth I can’t hurt anybody, cause this is me and what’s going on in my head and heart. If people’s opinion me change for the better that’s fine, if they don’t and change for the worst that’s totally fine too, cause once again it ain’t about them, it’s about me. This is me and you either accept it or you don’t.

I’ve listened and watched a lot of interviews with an incredible actor and he believes that if you really, for 100%, know what you want and are passionate about it that the universe will show you the way. Without you needing to know what to do, the path will show itself.
That’s what I believe in too. The only thing is, is that I am not sure about what it is that I really want. I also know life is about the flow of it and thinking too much can ruin it and having fun is important, I just think I somehow lost that…. I want to go back to doing fun things and just be. Trying to live in the moment is something I started to do a while back and at the times I’m completely in the moment it’s amazing and that gives me so much ease and peace. It takes practice to set those intentions and that is something I have to let go off. The constant need to be in control and to want to do things instantly without them taking time.

Ever since I’ve was little I knew I wanted to move to the US to live there. Last year on my trip to Austin I had this realization that I don’t have to move to be happy. That I can live wherever I want and as long as I am me, and I like being me, it don’t matter where I live. The last 10 years whenever I’ve been on a vacation it was either the US or the UK and basically my vacation was visiting my friends who are my family. As I’m sitting here in Austin on this vacation I feel like this US period might come to an end. I love the family I’ve created that is scattered all over the US and I do love to hang out with them but I think it’s time to get in another direction with my vacations.

I love that wherever I go feels like home, cause that means I’m surrounded by good people and am content with myself and my surroundings. And as much as I enjoy being here now and it feels like home, it’s exactly that, it feels like home. Like things I need to do, I have to take care of the cat and the cars. And that’s okay cause that’s what the arrangement is, but still. Today I was thinking that I miss camping or just being in a beach house somewhere just to be, without having to do anything. I felt a bit sad thinking about this cause if I’m not coming over to the US I won’t be able to see and hang out with all these incredible people anymore. But even though I won’t be able to spend this time with them that don’t mean our connection will be lost. Maybe the part of me what knows how hard it is for them to come over and stay with me that that’s the reason I come over and spend time with them and whenever I come here I try to see as many people as I can. And until now that has been good for me, but it’s time for something new and different. I think it’s time for me to let go of my need to always come over here and have to see all these people.

Now I feel like taking that time off and just go wherever. Not necessarily the US but just to have time for myself. That’s not to say I won’t travel back to the US, cause I probably will and a bunch of times, but it means I’m going to take time for myself and what I feel like I need to do or want to do and not having that constant pull of “I need to see this or that person cause I haven’t seen them in so long”.

As hard this is for me to realize I think this is what I need to do. I set the intention during my Ayahuasca journey to let go of control and I’ve spend so much time controlling all the US adventures that I haven’t had space for other incredible things that I could invest my time and energy in.

I’m excited to see what space I’ve opened up by realizing this and what comes next. For now I’m going to enjoy the next 16 days in Austin and later this year an incredible wedding in Arizona. After that I’m going to figure out what’s going to be next in regards to traveling.

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Me and two weeks with the Charming m.c.

Oh man, what a ride it’s been these last couple of weeks.

This show about a Charming motorcycle club got it’s hooks into me like no other show has ever done. Never ever have I felt this much watching a show, not even Supernatural. This show has spun me upside down and tore my heart open. It’s been brutal, it’s been heart shredding but over all it’s been real. It felt real and that’s because of the incredible cast and crew. I’ll be forever grateful for them to create this.

As many of you know I love watching movies and TV shows. I love the characters and I connect with them, I learn form them and I grow tremendously while following them. With some characters there’s this bond that is so tight from the get go that I don’t know where it came from or how it happened. I’ve learned to trust these characters come in my life when I need them. There are also times that when I’m just doing my thing I feel and act like them, like I am them and even though I know I am not I feel me being them.

  

Sons of Anarchy is a series about Jax (Jackson) Teller being part of the motor cycle club Sons of Anarchy in a small town called Charming, California. The show is 7 seasons with 13 episodes (varying from 42 – 70+ minutes). I came across it a couple of weeks ago and the moment I started it got me. I watched it when I could and I was done exactly 2 weeks later. And it left me incredibly sad. These pivotal moments of the show left me literally crying and shaking and it’s been an experience to say the least.

The show is about an mc, drugs, guns and porn. It’s about family, bond, friendship, pain, strength, loss, fear, lies, betrayal, mc code and most of all about love. The love of a man who loves his club and his family so much and seeing it go down hill while he can’t do anything about it.

This is a thank you to Jax Teller, an incredible man with a huge heart who’s always tried to do the right thing.

Thank you Jax, you thought me how to cry again and how to feel again without stuffing it down. I owned it and I sat with all the hurt and that’s been new. As painful as it was, it was incredible all the same.

You showed me the struggle of wanting to do the right thing and trying to the best you can. You wanted to fix something that was already so broken even before you had a part in it. You thought me what it meant to be in a club with a code to unimaginable it’s still hard to wrap my head around. Being pulled into so many directions by the people in your life who all want something different for you. Who all claim to love you but all have different agendas.

You showed me a world I’d never given much thought about and made it real. The love you have for SAMCROW and what you believe it should stand for, where it should’ve gone back too but never quite got there. The love you have for the boys, your boys, your family and the way they all loved you. I’ve never seen so many hugs and “I love you”s in a show or even in real life. It’s inspiring and more people should be able to show that to others. The way you choose to forgive where you can and the hardship of “having to execute” the code is something I don’t know I’ll ever understand.

Your pain, your struggle and your love felt so real and all the crap you went through to try and make it better still breaks my heart. I’m so sorry this was your life, a life full of extremes, full of things that shouldn’t be normal. You might’ve not been able to be a good outlaw and a good father at the same time, but you are a good man, you’ve always been and always will be.

Thank you Jax Teller for changing and being part of my life, it’s going to be very hard letting you go. I love you deeply and will miss you terribly.

Oh sweet mother Ayahuasca

Sweet might be not the exact taste of you, you tasted more like wood and that’s because you come from plants/ vines so that’s understandable 😉

You send me to the darkest corner of my being, my pain, my hurt, my control, and you let me let it go. So thank you for letting me be able to go through it!

Ayahuasca

Ayahuasca is what they call a plant medicine. It’s also known as a hallucinogen/ psychedelic. What I’ve heard about it before I got to know it wasn’t much. I know someone who went to a retreat and had ceremonies for days. That was rough and she told me she think she died there and was reborn. She also had a lot of questions she wanted to get answered and she did.

The information I got after I signed up I read and told me to set a clear intention, go on a dieta (to clean my body before going onto this journey) and be prepared for my mind to be expanded, like all hallucinogen do.

We were told momma Ayahuasca only gives you what you need, ask for and what you can handle.

My experience with this incredible plant

There where two sessions planned on that day and we didn’t have to do them both if we didn’t want to. I was with another girl who wanted some answers about her past. My intention however was “With an open heart I want to let go of control and release everything that doesn’t serve me”. Be careful what you wish for! Cause I got it, not during the first session though but in the end, I got what I wanted and I’m so grateful I did this.

First session: We took it and it takes about 20-30 minutes for it to work. For me it didn’t. I felt my body going into deep rest, like a deep meditation, but my mind was still racing. I know now that that’s because thinking is my safety net and I obviously knew something big was going to happen which I (my ego) didn’t want. After about 45 minutes I got another shot but that didn’t work either. I just started to lay down and felt like going to sleep. I didn’t fall asleep but I got a bit more relaxed and at one point I heard a ringing in my ears. I know that sound, I hear that when I meditatie too and I know it’s either the sound of my soul or the sound of the universe. It was really loud and I, also, know now that it wanted me to listen and let go but at that point I still wasn’t ready.

After a huge giggle we both went into the second session and after taking the drink I laid down on the bed and I think the moment I closed my eyes it hit me. It hit me hard!

I thought I started to feel sick so I needed to sit up. The only way I could sit was in meditation pose. Luckily there where buckets available just in case we needed to throw up. The moment I sat up I pulled that bucked into my lap and had it there the whole time. Used it as a sort of pillow too, it was really comfy 🙂

I had to close my eyes cause if I opened them the only thing I could see was a distorted reality, everything was out of it’s normal boundaries and it freaked me out. It was not pleasant to have my eyes closed, cause inside was hard, really, really hard, but I know I needed to be there, just there and trust it was okay to be there.

In my journey there was a movie loop going on in my head. I don’t know exactly what it was but I do remember pieces of being on my own couch (which I wasn’t) and thinking about how much pain I’d have in my legs after sitting like that for so long. Right after that thought there was “Legs, what are legs? What are arms, what is water, what is air” and than I heard a weird sound which later I realised was my own breath. Than I heard someone (I think the other girl) stand up and ran to the bathroom where she was followed by our ‘mentor’. I heard some laughing and I got to thinking “It doesn’t matter cause it’s nice here with my bucket”  and than I laughed, took a deep breath and tried to relax in that moment. And that’s when the whole thing repeated itself again, and again, and again until I realised there was a loop going on. There was one difference during this whole loop though and that was the music. The music in the background was different and the moment I realised that I thought I could relax a bit more. The moment I felt I got out of it and smiled and relaxed a bit more I hit a deeper level. And again, and again, and again until at one point I knew it was too much. I said “This is too much, there is so much” and I knew it was about pain, pain and hurt. The moment I said that I also knew I had to go through it. I knew I would only get what I could handle and this too would pass. And it did. It got worse, really worse, but I also got through that.

Underneath all that though I felt some kind of peace. I think that might’ve been my open heart.

At one point I had to laugh at myself. “Just look at you, what have you gotten yourself into” thoughts came over me, while sitting in meditation pose with a bucket which I used as a pillow 🙂

And than at one point I was out. Just like I fell in, I got out and that was it. It was out, and it felt amazing! All the tension I had stored in my body over all those years, was gone, just gone, just like that. I had to go deep and I had to let go of control, but I did and it was worth it all!

What has it brought me?

I feel lighter, my body is free, free of tension, tension I didn’t knew I’ve built through my whole body. I never been able to feel my belly, to get in touch with it and to feel it while doing any meditation excersices. This has changed. I can feel it now and that’s huge! Also I feel more fluid for some reason. I have to learn to know my body again, I have to learn when I need food, when do I need food and when is it something else that I need. Is it a craving cause something happened or is it because my body really needs fuel? So I keep asking myself these questions and it helps me.

I’m also a lot more comfortable around other people. I used to always think about what they might think of me, that’s totally gone. I’m me and I really like being me and I feel like I’m finally able to be okay with that. I love what I love and some people might think I shouldn’t cause of various reasons, but that’s on them, it has nothing to do with me, it has to do with their truth and this is mine.

 

People commented on my that my eyes are brighter and that my energy field is a lot bigger and stronger than before. I take my place in the world now and I own my space and I don’t even know I’m doing this. It’s not intentional, I think it’s just my natural state of being, but it’s nice to have this pointed out by people.

I notice my jaws are relaxed, even after these couple of weeks. This also makes me think about where tension, pain and hurt is stored. I think my belly/ stomach was full pretty early on and than it went to the rest of my body, legs, than back (or the other way around) and lately my arm, which is totally disappeared as well. I’m more conscious about my body and need to re-align with myself and my energy field. I feel other peoples energy more now and also what that does to me. It is really amazing to realise that, although now I have to learn how to pull up my own shield again for it not to hurt or affect me.

I have been thinking about that constant loop during my journey and I know what that is. There’s so much going on in my mind and I realised I replay a lot, over and over and over again. I don’t need that and I am learning to stop these thoughts and replace them by either silence or things I want to think about.

The only drug I ever took was MDMA a couple of months back. That didn’t really do much, cause I had such pain in my stomach. Now I know I wasn’t ready for that, I wasn’t ready to open up that pandora’s box of hurt, pain, sadness.

What’s incredible is that the other girl I was with had such a different experience, she really went on a journey and got her answers to her questions. I never asked for answers I just needed to release control and emotions. And that’s what makes this so amazing. Everybody get’s what they ask for and only what they can handle.

And now it’s time I’m:

❤ to each and every one of you

Feeling lost, epiphanies and letting go

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This quote is so appropriate for me right now. I think I just let go of something I didn’t know I was clinging on to so much.

I’ve always had this feeling that I was meant to live in the US. I’ve been to the states a whole lot and it feels good being here. For some reason I always thought it was more spacey, it feels more roomy and yes I feel at home here. I never knew where that feeling came from, and it doesn’t really matter anyways, cause it is what it is. I had this strong urge to move here and I made a decision to do this about two years ago. I haven’t made any plans but last year this feeling about Austin came across and now I’m here. I haven’t moved, I am here on vacation and I’m halfway on my trip. I’ve done some things, explored a bit, made some friends (yay 😀 ), created a Austin Pro list, but I’ve also felt lost and very confused. It was hard and scary to get out of the house even just to go for a walk or to the lake to check it out.

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I know that’s okay and I should just do what I want, even if that’s just relaxing on the couch watching movies or hanging around in the hammock. Being on vacation doesn’t mean I have to plan my whole day, but I’ve wrote about that in my previous post.

Today I told my friend about that, she’s in a retreat right now and doesn’t really have time or isn’t supposed to reach out, but she just send me a message. A message she’s thinking about me and when I told her I felt lost she said “You’ll find your way” and I know that’s true. I am also very very grateful that she send me that message, I think it was part of a little chain reaction. Almost right after I had a thought and maybe even an epiphany.

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I think the lesson that I am learning is that it doesn’t matter where I live as long as I do whatever I want and love to do. Maybe this “I want to live in the US” goes back to before I was born into this world, maybe I got yanked out from a previous life and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it ever since. It might even predate me or maybe it was because I’ve never felt at home in Holland. It doesn’t really matter why, all it matters is that it was and now it’s not anymore. I have amazing people all over the world, I have family and friends in Holland and a good job which allows me to travel a lot. I appreciate that so much.

It feels totally okay not to know where I’m going now, I can be wherever and feel like me, I don’t feel I am a better person when I’m in de US, I don’t need to be accepted by everyone, cause the only person that matters is me and me accepting myself. And I’m accepting me, I am accepting and appreciating who I am, how I am, how I treat people, what I have, what I give, what I share and what I am becoming. And that is the truth and for me that’s all that matters.

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It doesn’t mean I can’t live here in the states or that I have to leave Holland, it also doesn’t mean I will never make this move, it means I am going to focus on finding out what’s making my spark light up and finding my way, while I keep traveling whenever I can 🙂

❤ always,

Me

Tattoos and heart

I’ve always been interested in tattoos and the stories behind them. I’ve also known someday I would get one. That someday was about 4 years ago and it was a very unique and special moment. My friend told me that once I would get one I would probably want to get more and guess what, she was right 🙂 Last spring I got number 2 and number 3 is also on it’s way.

Talking about tattoos is interesting to me because opinions about them vary so much. Some would love to have one but don’t know what, others don’t like them and think it’s a shame that people get them. Everyone has their own thoughts and feelings about them and I think it’s wonderful, it makes conversations interesting, to find out why someone is or isn’t interested.

I used to be somewhat offended when people told me it’s a shame to get a tattoo or it ruins your body and questioned it like “Well, don’t you worry about when you get older? What if you get sick of them or regret having them.” I might’ve gotten offended because in some extent I had the same questions and didn’t know how to answer them. I also think everyone had the right to have their own opinions so I let people think what they want, but I want to explain how I feel when they ask.

I am living in the now more and more and I think there’s no point thinking so far ahead cause if you want to do something now, than you should, if it feels right I can only say “Go for it”. Now is the time you live and not 30 years from now. Who knows how I feel about my tattoos in 30 or 40 years, but also who knows about technologies changes that’s coming our way in those years? Wondering and worrying never helped anyone before so if I want to get a new tattoo I’ll just get it 🙂

My view on tattoos has completely changed when I heard someone talk about why he gets his tattoos. I thought it was incredible and it made me think about my body differently. He explained that whenever he had a memorable moment or something got stuck in his head that he would tattoo it on his body. After that I thought: well my body is my canvas it’s the canvas of my life, there’s scars and freckles that define me so with the tattoos I’m only painting it in more. This is who I am and these are my stories. If you want to know about them, just ask. The tattoos are reminders of my life that I don’t want to forget and now I never will. I won’t loose them and because they mean so much to me already I will never regret having them. Even when I’m grey and old, these stories are what got me there 😉

Feelings, Oh Canada and some road kill

This clip reminds me of what happened after Nashville. I started towards Charlotte, North Carolina, cause that’s what my pendulum told me 😉 When I arrived however I had no idea what to do. I found a parking spot, went into the city and felt totally lost. Normally I like to wander about and see what comes up, but this time it felt different. I was looking for a Chamber of Commerce and couldn’t find it in the first place, which must’ve been a sign. I asked a security guard at the old building where I could find it and walked over to the new place. Normally the Chamber of Commerce have people that work there to help you out, see where you can go and advice you. This new Chamber however was a small place in the Convention Centre, with no people around to ask questions. I looked at maps and flyers and nothing really stood out. I didn’t know what to do so I got out and crossed the street to get some lunch.

I texted my friends and I felt completely crazy. I didn’t know what to do, what I wanted, where to go and basically it was a tornado in my head spitting out randomness and craziness without having any clue what to do. I got a couple of replies and most of the suggestions of my friends where “Go do something for you, do what you love, rest and clear your head”. As I’ve been either driving towards my friends or spending time with them I basically had no time for myself and I was a little overwhelmed with everything I’ve done so far. I looked up a movie theatre watched a movie and after that I asked google for extended stay hotels. I booked one in Matthews, which was amazing cause that pendulum I used pointed at a street right across the street I stayed at, which I found out the day after I booked the room 😉 That week I basically locked myself up in my room, watched TV, slept a lot and I realised I have been running on fumes. I was exhausted and I hadn’t noticed that until I stopped and took a breath. At the end of the week I knew I had to leave, cause I didn’t want to stay there.

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I figured I just got onto a highway and drove to the coast. So there I went on the road again, just driving and chilling. When I got to the coast I arrived at a haven. If  I am going to a coast, I want to go to the beach and not a haven. I didn’t really check out where beaches where cause I wanted to just go and see where I’d end up, without a plan or expectations (which obviously I had, otherwise I couldn’t be disappointed I ended up there). I looked for a hotel and booked a room for a night. When I got into the room I, again, felt lost. I talked to my friends that I didn’t know what I was doing and that I wanted to take this trip without any planning. Just go with the flow. I found out I am not a person who can do that. I need some sort of direction and if plans change that’s fine with me, I am very adjustable, but I need some sort of direction to go on.

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Oh Canada

So I figured I’d go towards Wisconsin where I have another friend. It would take me about 3 or 4 days and all I needed to figure out was which way to go. Do I go all the way up Michigan and than drop down to Green Bay or do I go towards Chicago and than drive up that way? I figured I just drive up to the point where I needed to make a decision to go North or West. I knew someone in Cincinnati, drove up there, we hung out for a couple of hours and my decision was made. I’d go up so I could go to Canada, which was about 1,5 hours out of my way, but hey I was so close so why the hell not right 🙂

I drove all the way up to Canada, crossed the border, got a stamp in my passport, ate a burger and drove back. “You drove back? Just got food and didn’t stay?” I hear you say and question. That’s right, I just popped into Canada for a hot minute, ate at a road side bar and jumped back in the car towards the US.

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On my way to Michigan and in Michigan was the first time it felt like I was on a vacation. That state didn’t feel like home, all the other states did. There wasn’t anything wrong with the state it was just a feeling I got. I drove all the way up to Canada and back in one day and than it was time to look for a motel. As upper Michigan is a ski area not a lot of places where open, so I had to search a little before I found a place to crash. I found one that was pretty nice and I was amazed that not a lot of other places where open. It was still very cold and the lakes where still frozen so it was beautiful in that area. There was not a lot of snow anymore so there’s no skiing but for the rest I was amazed that there weren’t a lot of people in that area.

Birthday bowling

19 April was my birthday and I was very glad I got to spend it with my friend in Wisconsin. I knew I was going to get a new tattoo on this trip but didn’t know when. My friend and I where talking about tattoos and she said there was a good tattoo place near here. We went on a Saturday and it felt good so I decided to get my tattoo right there. My dad texted me around 5:05pm to wish me a happy birthday so on Dutch time I had my tattoo done on my birthday, which is awesome!

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On my actual US time birthday we went for breakfast/ lunch, did some bowling and what’s a birthday without a proper pie? Not a birthday, so we did the whole pie thing too 😀

The last town

It would take me about 3 days to get from my friend in Wisconsin to my friends in Bozeman, Montana. On my way I actually participated in some road kill. Seriously??? Yes, there was some little tiny animal crawling right across the interstate and popped up and I couldn’t stop or swerve around. I tried to avoid it, but I drove straight over it and I felt sad…. I didn’t know what the rules where so I kept driving and the way I hit I believe it got killed instantly. That’s what I choose to believe anyway. A little later I saw a rattlesnake on the interstate and now I know how I’m gonna act when I see a snake in real life 🙂

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In Bozeman I stayed with my college friend, hung out with some other friends and on that night we stayed in our old condo. It’s weird to say it was my condo, because I only lived there for 6 weeks, the rest of the academic year I stayed on campus. My friends parents still own the condo and here brother lives there now. He was okay with us staying there for a night and it was amazing and freaky at the same time. They still had all the bedding and a table I brought over in the room and my friend suggested that I stayed in my old room. It was good and weird at the same time.

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I wanted to go to campus, and I could, but it felt off. One day I was on my way and it started raining so I turned around. The moment I turned around the rain stopped so I took it as a sing. I don’t miss not going to campus this this and I am glad I didn’t go.

While in Bozeman I also met some of my other friends and with each and everyone it felt like no time had passed. It’s been almost 9 years since I left Bozeman and since I’ve seen them and it is incredible that after all this time it feels like no time has passed and that we have such a strong bond.

I am glad I have so many amazing people that I can call my family all over this amazing continent 🙂

In a next blog I’ll write stuff that I’ve learned along the way, where to go from here and about expectations.

For now this is it 😉

The road so far

Here’s some stuff that happened after that epic 4 days in Vegas.

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Vegas done and moving on? Don’t think so 😀

After meeting some amazing people in Vegas and having to figure out where to go next I thought “No, I’m not done yet, this weekend is not over for me, so I’m going to follow one of them.” And that’s what I did. I followed a couple of them to Huachuca City in Arizona. We spend some amazing days together and we both had the post convention blues. We watched some Supernatural, of course, and just hung out and relaxed.

After that I figured I might as well go and visit one of the others nearby Kansas City in Missouri. I crossed about 5 states and 2 or 3 timezones in 3 days and the drive up there was, just like the others very beautiful. I have lost all connection with time and days so I am counting on my phone to tell me. I am not interested in knowing what time it is, cause there’s no need for it most of the time (no pun intended 🙂 ) The car’s clock is on Montana time, so I always know what time it is there, even though I’m about 2000 or 3000 miles away 😉

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Lawrence, Kansas

2,5 years ago a fandom broke into my house and said “Dad is on a hunting trip and hasn’t been home in a few days”. The first episode of Supernatural started in Lawrence, Kansas. Now 10 years later, I’ve actually visited downtown Lawrence. I know they shot the first episode in Los Angeles, nowhere near Kansas, but still it’s where the story started and therefor this town is special. Downtown Lawrence is actually pretty amazing! I might come back to check out some more 🙂

One of, many, great episodes of Supernatural is called Swan Song. It’s the season 5 finally and the last scene takes places in Stull Cemetery (a.k.a. “That’s that old boneyard right outside of Lawrence”: Dean’s words not mine 🙂 ). My friend pointed out I should check that one out, just cause I was close. So I got back in the car and drove towards a cemetery. Crazy? Definitely one of funniest things I’ve done so far. But I was glad I did. Graveyard was closed but I took a few pictures from outside the gate. The amazing thing is that the location scout of Supernatural did an incredible job building that set in Vancouver, cause I’m not actually sure if they actually shot in Stull Cemetery for those scenes. It looks like they had though so I’m really impressed.

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After not having any music playing for the previous 2 days I turned on the radio while being back in the car and this happened and made me laugh so hard!

I know that scene by heart and I think the song started at exactly that same moment and my mind went back to that scene. #Signs, you’ve got to love them 🙂

Anywho this was all on my way to see my friend near Kansas City. I stayed with her for about a week and in the weekend I finally was able to say “I need to leave, I have to go my own way”. Not that I didn’t want to be there, not at all, we had amazing times together, laughed so hard and were able to speak “our” own Supernatural language 😀 It felt like time to move on to wherever.

Wherever? I know, that was the big question, where am I going now? I knew I wanted to go towards Texas, but I didn’t know if now was the time. So I got a map, the only map that spoke to me at Barnes & Nobles, which was the only one of it’s kind. Next? Figuring out where to go and point it out. I had some ideas but also not so my dearest friend gave me a “Wish” stone and a leather cord to create a pendulum and we used that to show me the way. It pointed South East and I figured “Well I guess I’m going to Nashville”. Which I did…….

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Nashville, YAY? Or maybe Nay ……..

When I woke up I just had a bad vibe. I don’t know where it came from and I don’t really care. I figured I just had a bad day, maybe it was because I didn’t really have a plan and people I was going after. Who knows? I went and got into the car and drove to Nashville. The drive up there was amazing and I started playing Bon Jovi, cause it always calms me down and cheers me up.

The moment I drove into Nashville I knew I had to get out. I didn’t know why but it felt so wrong to be there. I didn’t know where to go so I just drove around looking for a park. Parks or river sides always calm me down and I wanted to get out of the car so I looked around and found a park and got out. I took a little stroll to look and than went to sit in the park for a bit. Talked to my friends, THANK YOU, you know who you are, and while doing that I realised I couldn’t and shouldn’t stay there. So I got up, took my map and pendulum and asked where to go next. It showed me to go to Charlotte, NC so that’s where I’m headed now.

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The moment I got in the car and turned on the radio amazing things started happening. First of all Fleetwood Mac came on with their “Go your own way” song and I got a huge smile on my face. I felt calmer and the bad vibe went away. When I wanted to get some food a sign for Ruby Tuesday showed up. Any Supernatural Fan can attest that that is pretty funny (Ruby = character and Tuesday is a day that plays a major role in one of the episodes) Later I found a motel in Lebanon TN, named Knight’s Inn (like Dean was a Knight of Hell, so I knew I had to stay there too 🙂 )

I like this, I like getting signs from the universe and following my own gut and intuition. The last couple of years I’ve been relying on my intuition and gut feeling more and more and this is what it tells me. It hasn’t left me down so far so I’m just going with it.

And all the people I’ve been talking to after Nashville where so nice. In Nashville I haven’t talked to anyone so it’s not the people that made it weird. I got help and lovely chats in Ruby Tuesday and the lady here at Knight’s Inn was so nice, we talked for about 10 minutes and she made me feel even better than I already felt.

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To sum it all up

As off Tuesday March 31 the numbers are as follows:

19 days

13 states

5 time zone changes

3200+ miles

Temperature varying from 40 – 80 Fahrenheit (4C – 26C)

Fun? Uncountable 😀

One of these days I’m going to buy a marker and mark it all on a physical map, take a pic and post it here, so y’all can see where I’ve been these last couple of weeks. #Memories

Till next time!

<3, me