Appearances

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The last couple of weeks I’ve talked to some people who said something about the clothes they wear that surprised me. I have always dressed for comfort and usability. When I go to work I usually wear jeans, sneakers (or shoes/ boots I can run in) and a shirt/top, because I dress for the weather and for the need to run for the bus if  I have to. When I am on my bike I dress warm, hats, gloves, scarves and all that. I also discovered recently that it is very nice to wear some sweats over jeans while biking in the middle of the night. So I started doing that and I also don’t care going to the grocery store in my sweats, hats, no make-up and a nice comfy jacket.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have skirts and dresses and heels, I just dress for comfort and sometimes I like to dress up for an occasion.

Pleasure

I told a few people about that I do this and they looked at me with a question mark on their face asking “Well what if you meet mister right, or something happens and there is cute doctor/ fireman/ whatever and you’re dressed like that” and my only response was “Well mister right won’t mind what I will wear and if something happens I couldn’t care less what I’m wearing as long as they help me”. So those where some funny conversations. Also about the sweats and going outside. I really don’t care wearing sweats to the grocery store, I wear my tennis outfit when I come back from a match or training and go get food in that. I don’t really see the problem and I’m surprised that other people do.

But that’s kind of the beauty about being human right, everyone thinks differently and has different opinions. It was nice to be reminded about that especially on a small subject like this 🙂

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Alternate universes: yay or nay?

Do you think there are alternate universes? I believe it could be true. That sounds like a very standard answer for every question you don’t know the answer too but I have some thoughts about it. I don’t know if they exist, cause nobody really does, but I do believe we on earth are not the only one in the Universe. The universe is huge so to say we are the only living creatures in the universe is hard to believe for me.

I think it would be amazing if there were alternate universes! Could you imagine what it would be like to live in something so completely different (like Avatar, well that was just a planet and not a different Universe but still) or so much the same (like Fringe where they cross Universes) with little differences. I don’t know if there would be a “person” like me in an other universe but it is cool to think other Universes can exist. This one is so big, there is no end (that we know of) but it is cool to think about the fact that our universe might consist in an even larger universe (Men in Black). Man that would be awesome 😀

If there are alternate Universes I would like to have a sneak peek behind the curtain just to see what’s what, how do people live there, what is life there like. Is it really so different than here or are there just minor differences? Maybe if there is a way to exchange people between other world, what could we learn from each other? I think the answers to these questions are interesting and I am dying to know the answers. Speaking of dying, what if we go to a different universe when we actually die? That’s a question I never really thought of, but that’s an interesting one as well. Do we remember which universe we came from, is that what Deja Vu is all about? They say it’s our brains trying to pull memories together from earlier experiences, but some things you never experienced and still feel like you do. Is that a glimpse in an other universe? Hmm those are some cool thoughts I will think about more, cause isn’t it fun to fantasise about things like this? I believe so 😉

-xoxo-

Who am I?

That’s a question I think a lot of people are asking themselves or get asked and don’t know the answer to right away. I think I know myself pretty well and I felt it was time to write it down. There’s a lot more to tell about me than this blog, but these are the thought’s that are keeping me up tonight so these are the ones I have to put on the screen.

Some of the things I write down might sound cruel or harsh, but this is the way I feel and if I keep it inside I’m only hurting myself. I never wanted to hurt people, I strongly believe in speaking your mind as long as it comes from the heart. And this one is.

It is okay to not knowing who you are. It’s hard to get a hold on yourself if society expects you to be someone who you think you are not. I have the same. I’m 32, single, with a decent job, an apartment (sort of) and great friends. A lot of people in their 30’s are settled down with a partner and kids and live in a house while having a good job, the job they wanted (or maybe just settled for). But that’s just not me. I don’t want to settle for a job that doesn’t make me happy. I don’t want to settle for a partner I am not completely in love with and know that person is the one (even though settling with someone who is great and you care about might be a lot easier). I don’t want to live in a house that doesn’t feel like it is mine. I want the world! And that might sound ridiculous but I have dreams, I have big dreams I know. But I also know that if I set my mind to it, work on everything that is still bothering me, I can have what I want and I will have what I truly desire 😀

People might call me a geek cause I love to watch Sci-fi shows and movies (like movies from Marvel, Buffy, Angel, The Tomorrow People, Arrow, Transformers and so on). I never thought of myself as a sci-fi geek, but I’ve always loved the science fictional TV shows and movies. Supernatural is THE TV show of my life. What that show is doing to me and other people I’ve been writing about in other blogs, but I can honestly say it changed my life. Maybe not the show directly but the cast, crew and other fans did for sure. I’ve made some amazing friends through that show and I am truly grateful that this show has changed my life. And I’m super exited that I can finally say my thanks to the cast and crew next year at their convention in Las Vegas. It’ll be an amazing start of my 2 month road trip 😀

I have never felt I belonged. Not with my family, not in Holland (where I’ve been born and bread) and not in the house that I live in. People keep saying “Oh you have such an amazing house/ apartment” and all I can think about is “Yes it is lovely, but it’s not my home, it is just for the time being”. The times where I do feel like home is when I’m in the USA. That might sound crazy but it is the truth. The first time I was there it felt like it should. I can’t explain it, but I remember to this day that when we where standing on The Strip in Las Vegas I was thinking “Yup, I knew it would feel like this, nothing special, feels like I belong”. And it felt like I have been there before. I was 17 at the time and at 19 I flew to Tallahassee and spend 5 weeks with a friend, when I was 23 I went to study Media and Theatre Arts at Montana Stated University in Bozeman for a year, the year after I came back, the same 2/3 years later and the last time was in 2011. Every time I have a trip planned to the US I feel like I’m going home.

That feeling is weird to have and I’ve been thinking about that for a long time. Why would that feel like home, is that because it’s a safe place, am I running away from here, is that truly home? How can it feel like home when I’ve been living in Holland for 30 years? That thought has haunted me for quite some time and someone just recently told me that it’s okay. He said “So what? What’s so wrong with running away to a place you feel like is home?” And that got me thinking too. My past hasn’t been very nice here and the US has always felt like home, so why is that a bad thing? For some unexplainable reason Holland has always felt like a lay-over for me, don’t know why but I’m done thinking about the why and just accepting that it is.

As I wrote down above I never felt I belonged, always felt out off place, never did what people expected (not even now), always had big dreams (even though most people never knew about them), always doing things my way (as far as I could). My family never felt like family. That doesn’t mean I have bad ties with my family, not at all, but it never felt I was part of it for some reason. I strongly believe in “Family don’t end with blood” and “Just because you’re blood, doesn’t mean your family”. And as hard as it was for me to realise or write down for me that’s what it is. I surround myself with a couple of amazing people (all around the world) who I call my family and for me they truly are. That doesn’t mean I don’t care for my relatives and that I don’t spend time with them, for me it’s just different.

Helping people is one thing I really want to do in my life. I believe I’ve always tried to help people, but maybe that was just pleasing others so the noticed me, I’m not sure, but I’ve always been someone people could rely on and trust. I am proud that I’ve established that with my friends as well, they come to me and they don’t have to tell me not to tell anyone else, cause they know I won’t. I feel strongly about not talking about other people. If you want to tell the whole world something you should, if you only tell me I won’t tell anybody else, cause that’s not my place and I don’t want it to be. I want to be a safe harbour where people can tell their stories without being misunderstood but feel welcome and listened too. One of my strengths is to being able to empathise with people even though I haven’t experienced it myself. I don’t judge and my friends keep saying that they love that about me. I kinda love that about myself too, but on the other hand, why would I judge? I don’t know why you made that decision, you must have had a reason to do that. I don’t want my friends to be hurt but I’m sure as hell not going to tell them they are making the wrong decision, I will tell them what I think and if I’m concerned or not and that I don’t want them to get hurt, but I’m not going to tell them what to do or not. I will tell them what I feel though, and they appreciate that as well.

I do a lot of things by myself, always have and always will. I go on trips by myself, go to concerts abroad, movies, dinner, whatever it is, if I want to do something and there aren’t people who want to tag along I just go by myself. The fact that I’m alone doesn’t mean I am not going to do the things that I love. People say they admire that about me, for me that’s just who I am, nothing more, nothing less.

I don’t take credit for anything and status doesn’t do me much. After all I’ve been through I did go to school and college and the moment it was time to pick up my Bachelors Diploma I was like “Do I have to go there?” It didn’t do me much, I went to school, I made it and I was out. I have the same with every accomplishment in my life. The fact that I arranged the whole exchange program for me and a few other classmates didn’t do me much. It was how it was supposed to be. That’s what everything in my life is like. If I think I need help, I go out and seek it. If I think something needs to be done, I do it. If I want to do something (like skydiving or go to a concert abroad) I don’t hesitate and take action and do it (alone or not), no big deal. What I need to learn more is that these things DO MATTER, these are great accomplishments and when I think about it I know it rationally but I don’t really feel it. It was what was supposed to happen that time, so it did.

I know I trust my instincts and I have to rely on them more. My feelings and my gut are always right, I just need to trust them more. It was just a few years back that I started to notice what my gut was telling me and just started to do what I wanted and if I didn’t feel like doing something that I chose for myself in stead of just saying yes and feeling bad after. This change was a good one and also a scary one, I was never the one saying no, and now I was the one that said no most of the time. But I decided that I should choose me instead of pleasing others. It’s my life and I have to be happy with what I do, so there ya go 😉 It is still hard sometimes to choose me, but when I’ve made that decision I know I’ve been right and that gives me peace of mind.

So why am I so afraid to take the next step in my life and take action on a move to the US? I tell you why and it doesn’t make that much sense. I think too much about what other people think about me. There’s a lot of people that hate the US and always bitch about it (“It’s not easy to go there”, “You know health care is horrible”, “What are you going to do there, what kind of job”, “How are you going to arrange everything”, “The government is crazy”, “Wages aren’t fair” and so on). I’m afraid of the reactions from other and also the fact that I don’t have the answers, I don’t know what I’m going to do there, what job I’m going to have, where I’m going to live. That’s a scary thought, but I feel it’ll all work out, even though I don’t have the answers yet. An other thing is that I am going to have to leave every safe aspect of my life behind if I do (my house, job, friends and family). That’s a part that makes me nervous, but on the other hand I can get back here if it doesn’t turn out. I’ve been keeping this dream for myself and only a couple of other people that are very close to me, but I’m done keeping it a “secret”. For most of the people who know me, this shouldn’t come as a surprise, if it is they don’t know me very well. I want to go there, I need to go there, it is my home. I don’t care about when, how or what, I’m not going to worry about it, because I know it’ll happen. Maybe soon,maybe in a few years, I don’t know, but I know it’ll happen and I’m ready for it. I’m not going to keep this in any longer, cause it’s only hurting me to keep this inside. I know for a fact that I can finally go home and that it all makes sense, whatever it is, whatever I’m going to do it will be great! And next years road trip will have a huge part to play but again I’m ready “Bring it on!!!”:D

-xoxo-

Ils

Acting class 6/8

Oh boy what a night!!! Man oh man, I’m still wired. When I was done with class I wanted to scream so freaking loud or kick something to damn hard, or just cry like a baby……

This was such hard class today. I’m going to try and stay positive but I can’t guarantee that I will..

Before class we had to learn a piece of text we would have to do a monologue of today. I learned my lines (prologue of Twilight) and I knew them by heart. I also said them out loud this morning a couple of times and at lunch to one of my colleagues. I knew them, I might’ve switched a couple of words, but I knew them. And I still do. I was kinda exited about this class and I pictured in my head how I would perform the monologue. I also knew that I was gonna do it today no matter what…

First couple of exercises where the same as previous and I think I did kinda good. I was slow with the Ho Min Chack (or something), but I’m always slow with that one so that is okay. Than we had to change turns in weird expressions. There where two people acting out a place they were at (the moon, under water, supermarket a.i.) and when Hugo said freeze the would freeze, two other people took the places of the previous and continued into a new place. This was kind of fun, but also hard because it went so fast. I think I did good at that one, I let go a bit more and that was okay.

Than there was an exercise where Hugo had a card saying what bad thing one of the two actors on stage did. One of the players had to wait outside with the card (not peeking at it) and the other one was handed card by their loved one. It was interesting to see how people reacted of each other. I sat that one out, for an unexplainable reason..

After that one there was the monologue part. There were two people doing good before me and when Hugo asked the next one I thought: it’s now or never, so I stood up and tried to bring out the words. I think I came to the second or paragraph and than I chocked. I had to do it over again, sit in a chair this time and address the story to a girl in our group. I could feel some of the feelings bubbling up, but I lost my lines. I took my time to find them, and I could picture them in front of my eyes but they didn’t come out. Than there was a whole lot of trying to do it differently, in a horny voice, as a fish, Smurf or in a seductive way. I don’t know what happened, but I freaked out, my brain was mush and I couldn’t even think anymore…. I don’t know but maybe it was because the text is so much better in English than in Dutch, but still it shouldn’t matter. I know Dutch and English and even though it is different I could tweak it a bit so it would flow more and is more my style, but still it is so hard to learn even a little piece of text.

So we went on with something else, maybe the card thing was after, but I really can’t remember. I think it was after the monologue thing, cause we were having a break after the cards and than we were doing a scene like every class.

Before my monologue I said I was nervous and luckily Hugo said that every time he had to perform he was nervous as well. That didn’t help me black out though… I know everybody must’ve been nervous, but I couldn’t really see it in the other two. I know I’m glad when I do a scene (the 5w scene) and I get into the feelings and really give it what I need, but I don’t know today I just broke or something. And like I said last time I don’t pay attention to the people sitting in front of me, I’m not nervous for that at all. I notice them when I’m done with a scene.

After class I didn’t hang out, like last time, I got a ride to the bus and I took it. When I was at the bus stop it hit me! I felt shame. I don’t know what happened but I felt ashamed about myself. Of that I couldn’t get out 10 freaking sentences and get into the right mindset and feeling? I also felt very small when that feeling of shame came over me. Me and a colleague of mine where talking about feelings earlier that day and I think it’s still all old feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy, about not being able to do what I want or something like that. That almost made me cry. It also made me want to scream so loud or punch something so damn hard but I didn’t. I did what I always do when waiting for the bus: dance on the music that on and play back with that. This I don’t have a problem with, even though other people can see that and look at me whatever way they can, but in front of trusted people in an acting class, not being able to get out the words or let go of all the tension is so hard. I still don’t get why. And I don’t even have any explanation for it. I also don’t have any idea how to get out of this circle. I know I’m going to the 5w’s next week, that’s for sure and I might even do my monologue again, if I get the courage and I hope I can finally let go, cause this sucks in so many ways, it’s not even funny…..

There is a silver lining though, I know right after that?? I was one of the three that did do the monologue and the rest didn’t. So that means 7 other people didn’t do it and I got the guts to get up there and at least try it. And I got into the feeling a little bit, so that’s a good thing too 😉 It wasn’t all bad, I got up, did my thing, it didn’t work out, so be it! Who cares!! Me obviously, but seriously, why am I making this so freaking hard for myself???

I am going back next week and I’m gonna try again to be better, I already have a good 5w’s scene in my head so that is going to be good. And for the rest of it, I don’t know. As long as I can leave most of the tension outside and jut trying to have fun and be good at what I do and try to let go a little more, it would be a success. Today is a success cause of the things written above, so next week there’ll be an other success, which you will read than 😉

Have a good night, sleep well and enjoy the dreams 😀

Acting class 5/8

So as I wrote down earlier I got nervous about going to class tonight. I’m always nervous, but if you want to read more about that check out the earlier blog of today.

I never feel like going to class cause I get nervous. Nervous about not knowing what to do, not being prepared well enough and so on. It is not that I get nervous standing in front of people, it’s more the nerves about not knowing what the hell I’m doing. I don’t really like the improvisation part of the classes and the “go nuts” part, cause that’s just me. I don’t like to go overboard and that’s exactly what you have to do when you’re acting (sometimes, at least in our classes).

As I wrote in an earlier blog, I’m not taking these classes cause I want to act. I’m taking these classes cause I want to try and challenge myself to do things I would normally not do.

The class today started as the previous classes and it went a bit better. I’m still having trouble letting my brain work on impuls, so I can’t keep up that fast. It’s okay though cause I’m starting to like these exercises 🙂

We did a different exercise in the middle of the class. We had to tell each other what we thought was beautiful about the other person and the things that we liked. Than the other person had to say thank you and than compliment you. And that went on for a bit, till it got awkward. And that was exactly the point! We had to come up with stuff to say, and maybe not rationalize the situation (which apparently I do). It was a though exercise but I’m glad I stood up without me being the last person.

We didn’t do anything with the texts we had to bring. I didn’t know we had to memories them and play a monologue. I thought just bring it and than we’re going to do something with the text. So for next week I’m going to prepare my text and it’ll be good!

When we were done with class our coach Hugo told me to stand up sooner. Right as he called the exercise out I have to get up there and start doing. He told me it gets harder the night progresses and I’ll get more nervous. And he’s right about that. It felt good to stand up and not waiting for everybody else to get their turn (which is what I always do in any situation, I don’t claim my place to to say and I just realized that too (wow this has been a very mind opening day ;)). I am going to do that next week too. He also said that I can act and that he was really impressed with a scene I did three weeks ago (second class). I told him that was because it was so close to home, that it didn’t feel that hard to do.

One of my class mates told me that I’m doing some great things. Mainly the listening to my co-player and than reacting off of that. She told me she doesn’t do that well enough. That is not my hardest part. I’ve always been a listener and I’ve always kept quit till everybody else was done talking. When I had something to say I try to say it when I want to, but if I’ve tried two times and they won’t let me say what I want I’m like “okay, whatever, couldn’t care less”. And that’s a habit I still haven’t been able to break. So with acting that’s a good thing, in real life I’d like to learn how to do that more. She also told me that I need to “not give a shit and just let go” which is the hardest thing to do though.

I like that Hugo always gives us cases that are so not us, that you have to really try to work it out. Today wasn’t the best day, but I was really nervous before hand. Last week I wasn’t that much. We had a nice hangout after class and it’s good to talk to the other players and Hugo about the class. I’m going to hang out after next class as well, cause that’ll give you some insights as well and you’ll learn from each other.

When I walked home from the bus I thought “I need to break out of this shell, this bubble and just go with it” and I wanted to start running. Because I really hate to fight or stand my ground it’s hard for me to act that too. I feel bad for the other person who I’m supposed to be calling names, but the thing is (I just realized that on my way home too 😉 ) they are acting too. I shouldn’t care about hurting their feelings cause that’s what they signed up for. I shouldn’t feel bad personally when an other actor is calling me out and cursing and yelling at me, cause it’s not personal. They are yelling to the character I’m playing. I would feel all the emotions, and that’s good cause you can act off of that, but I won’t take it personally.

So basically I want to break free and perform (Queen is playing in my head really really loud this moment :D), cause I have to say I kind of enjoy it too 😀 It’s hard and it’s difficult, but that’s life so 😉 And I don’t care about the people on the side lines. I can focus on what I have to do “on stage” and be in that moment (as I think I described in an earlier post) and I couldn’t care less who’s watching. My focus is on that moment and on doing good. So that’s a step up for me as well and I’m proud of me for taking that one!

The thing I still don’t really get is that I can have a photograph taken of me in a tea bag bikini and or a home made Superhero costume out of plastic and wall paper and that photo is available world wide but I can’t break out of this shell and perform. Okay I have to say I had a couple of wines that day (see my GISHWHES post) so that is a bit different, but the feeling I had that day was so much fun and excitement that was overwhelming. I am going to try to excite myself for next weeks class. I really want to enjoy it and break free of the “normalcy” which I still have. There’s only three weeks left so I might as well break out now right 😉

That’s all for now, so sleep well or have an amazing day!

The affect of acting classes: Thing that make me nervous

So I just realized the thing that makes me nervous is the unknown and the unknown of doing something right. I am waiting to go my acting class and we had to pick out a text that we thought was beautiful. As I don’t read in Dutch (it had to be Dutch) I figured I borrow Twilight in Dutch and take the part that impresses me the most.

Now I’m thinking if I did okay, cause you know ‘it’s Twilight”. On the other hand no other book than this one grabbed me and didn’t let me go. As I am also not a reader of a lot of books I thought I’d just pick this. The think that I’m nervous about is if I did the right thing. On the other hand I don’t have any other texts that spoke to me like that piece did, so I shouldn’t doubt my decision. It is about me and not about what other people might think.
Come to think of it I think this is my main “problem”. I think to much about if I’m doing it right in stead of just doing it. I think I’ve always had that feeling, even when I had to turn in homework at school. It’s funny to realize this now and not back than. Now that I know this, I know I can work on this and try not to care about it to much. I know I want to do the best that I can, which I always am, so why am I still nervous about these things? Of why do I still care so much about what other people might think of me. I don’t mind whatever text someone else brings tonight, so why do they care what I bring. It’s about my development and not about them. They are there for their own reasons and to develop themselves so why would I judge them? I’m not, cause I don’t judge people (or at least I’m trying as hard as I can to not judge, cause lets face it “everybody judges, some more than others” but I try to keep it to a minimum). When I find myself thinking a thought about someone I recognize that thought and immediately try to stop that train of thought and think about something else. I don’t like to judge and you can’t look into someone else’s mind/ live so who am I to have an opinion about that person? Okay I’m getting of track here…… As I said, I shouldn’t worry to much about what other people think about my text. It’s an important text for me, so I’m bringing it 🙂

The other thing I’m nervous about for acting class is that I don’t know what to expect. I think that is the other issue I’m having. Every time I try something I get nervous. And every time I go to a course/ class/ meet up I get the same feelings. I think I am not necessarily nervous about the acting class itself but about not knowing what’s expected of me, so I can prepare. As our coach told me the first class I want to have everything under control, and he’s right. But I also want to learn how not to have something under control. I think that’s why I signed up as well.

It is funny that I come to think off it now. Now that I’m really listening to my body/ feelings/ mind. I think it is very interesting how the brain works and how feelings impact the things that you do in everyday life. I know for sure that if I didn’t start these acting classes I wouldn’t realize these things. Everything happens for a reason and I know for a fact that these classes were meant to help me understand myself and grow more.

So I think I have a pretty good feeling what my biggest issues are relating to having and fulfilling my dreams. It’s the “fear” of the unknown and the fear of not succeeding. I have a positive attitude and I know everything happens for a reason so now that I know these two issues (that apparently sometimes still hold me back), I can do something about it. And I will! I don’t know how yet, but luckily I work with amazing coaches that undoubtedly will help me with this 😀

So that’s all for now. I’m curious about tonight’s class and even though I’m nervous to go I can’t wait to write about it, cause I love to write down and share my experiences and thoughts with you!