Me and two weeks with the Charming m.c.

Oh man, what a ride it’s been these last couple of weeks.

This show about a Charming motorcycle club got it’s hooks into me like no other show has ever done. Never ever have I felt this much watching a show, not even Supernatural. This show has spun me upside down and tore my heart open. It’s been brutal, it’s been heart shredding but over all it’s been real. It felt real and that’s because of the incredible cast and crew. I’ll be forever grateful for them to create this.

As many of you know I love watching movies and TV shows. I love the characters and I connect with them, I learn form them and I grow tremendously while following them. With some characters there’s this bond that is so tight from the get go that I don’t know where it came from or how it happened. I’ve learned to trust these characters come in my life when I need them. There are also times that when I’m just doing my thing I feel and act like them, like I am them and even though I know I am not I feel me being them.


Sons of Anarchy is a series about Jax (Jackson) Teller being part of the motor cycle club Sons of Anarchy in a small town called Charming, California. The show is 7 seasons with 13 episodes (varying from 42 – 70+ minutes). I came across it a couple of weeks ago and the moment I started it got me. I watched it when I could and I was done exactly 2 weeks later. And it left me incredibly sad. These pivotal moments of the show left me literally crying and shaking and it’s been an experience to say the least.

The show is about an mc, drugs, guns and porn. It’s about family, bond, friendship, pain, strength, loss, fear, lies, betrayal, mc code and most of all about love. The love of a man who loves his club and his family so much and seeing it go down hill while he can’t do anything about it.

This is a thank you to Jax Teller, an incredible man with a huge heart who’s always tried to do the right thing.

Thank you Jax, you thought me how to cry again and how to feel again without stuffing it down. I owned it and I sat with all the hurt and that’s been new. As painful as it was, it was incredible all the same.

You showed me the struggle of wanting to do the right thing and trying to the best you can. You wanted to fix something that was already so broken even before you had a part in it. You thought me what it meant to be in a club with a code to unimaginable it’s still hard to wrap my head around. Being pulled into so many directions by the people in your life who all want something different for you. Who all claim to love you but all have different agendas.

You showed me a world I’d never given much thought about and made it real. The love you have for SAMCROW and what you believe it should stand for, where it should’ve gone back too but never quite got there. The love you have for the boys, your boys, your family and the way they all loved you. I’ve never seen so many hugs and “I love you”s in a show or even in real life. It’s inspiring and more people should be able to show that to others. The way you choose to forgive where you can and the hardship of “having to execute” the code is something I don’t know I’ll ever understand.

Your pain, your struggle and your love felt so real and all the crap you went through to try and make it better still breaks my heart. I’m so sorry this was your life, a life full of extremes, full of things that shouldn’t be normal. You might’ve not been able to be a good outlaw and a good father at the same time, but you are a good man, you’ve always been and always will be.

Thank you Jax Teller for changing and being part of my life, it’s going to be very hard letting you go. I love you deeply and will miss you terribly.


Feeling lost, epiphanies and letting go


This quote is so appropriate for me right now. I think I just let go of something I didn’t know I was clinging on to so much.

I’ve always had this feeling that I was meant to live in the US. I’ve been to the states a whole lot and it feels good being here. For some reason I always thought it was more spacey, it feels more roomy and yes I feel at home here. I never knew where that feeling came from, and it doesn’t really matter anyways, cause it is what it is. I had this strong urge to move here and I made a decision to do this about two years ago. I haven’t made any plans but last year this feeling about Austin came across and now I’m here. I haven’t moved, I am here on vacation and I’m halfway on my trip. I’ve done some things, explored a bit, made some friends (yay 😀 ), created a Austin Pro list, but I’ve also felt lost and very confused. It was hard and scary to get out of the house even just to go for a walk or to the lake to check it out.


I know that’s okay and I should just do what I want, even if that’s just relaxing on the couch watching movies or hanging around in the hammock. Being on vacation doesn’t mean I have to plan my whole day, but I’ve wrote about that in my previous post.

Today I told my friend about that, she’s in a retreat right now and doesn’t really have time or isn’t supposed to reach out, but she just send me a message. A message she’s thinking about me and when I told her I felt lost she said “You’ll find your way” and I know that’s true. I am also very very grateful that she send me that message, I think it was part of a little chain reaction. Almost right after I had a thought and maybe even an epiphany.


I think the lesson that I am learning is that it doesn’t matter where I live as long as I do whatever I want and love to do. Maybe this “I want to live in the US” goes back to before I was born into this world, maybe I got yanked out from a previous life and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it ever since. It might even predate me or maybe it was because I’ve never felt at home in Holland. It doesn’t really matter why, all it matters is that it was and now it’s not anymore. I have amazing people all over the world, I have family and friends in Holland and a good job which allows me to travel a lot. I appreciate that so much.

It feels totally okay not to know where I’m going now, I can be wherever and feel like me, I don’t feel I am a better person when I’m in de US, I don’t need to be accepted by everyone, cause the only person that matters is me and me accepting myself. And I’m accepting me, I am accepting and appreciating who I am, how I am, how I treat people, what I have, what I give, what I share and what I am becoming. And that is the truth and for me that’s all that matters.


It doesn’t mean I can’t live here in the states or that I have to leave Holland, it also doesn’t mean I will never make this move, it means I am going to focus on finding out what’s making my spark light up and finding my way, while I keep traveling whenever I can 🙂

❤ always,


Project update: One drawing a day

A few months ago I decided I wanted to draw a picture a day and post it. As it turns out this is pretty difficult task. I love to draw and colour and just being creative but to “have” to draw every day is rough. And before I get annoyed with myself and don’t like to draw anymore I decided it is time to change my course in this project.

I do love to draw and be creative but it shouldn’t be a requirement for a day. I know myself and if I impose this on myself I get cranky and in the long haul I’ll either dislike being creative or I start feeling guilty I can’t hold on to this promise I made. Neither one is something I want so I’m going to change the course.

My course will be to draw/ colour/ sketch whenever I feel like, as I noticed that is multiple times a week. Sometimes I have more than one item done in one day and other days there’s nothing, so I’m going to leave it with that. What I think will happen is that the more this is a “want” for me, the more I’m inspired to create something. I also think that at the end of the year I’ll have roughly 365 pieces/ items on this blog, maybe a little less, maybe a little more. And that will be my aim for this project, to just have fun and create without any obligations to myself or others.

I’ll keep counting the items when I post them, so in the end I’ll know how many I’ve actually posted.

That’s all for now and I hope I can show you all some great items in the coming year!

Have some amazing last days of 2014 and a great start of 2015!

Inspiring weekend

Last weekend me and some colleagues took a two day course for inspiring entrepreneurs at the HvA Studio in Amsterdam. Hereby I would like to share my story of this amazing weekend.

I’ve always been interested in what drives a person to be an entrepreneur and why people want to start their own business (two different things I’ve learned ;)). When I got the invitation to this weekend I immediately signed up and told some of my close colleagues to do the same. 

First I signed up cause I was really interested in learning how you become an entrepreneur and secondly I was curious if I would fit the profile.

What I learned was that you don’t have to start your own business to be an entrepreneur. You do have to follow your dreams and follow up on your ideas. If you have a great idea for a product you don’t need to set up a business, no you just have to workout how you could implement/ sell and create it. If you have an idea and have the guts to explore more and follow up, you are an entrepreneur.

This weekend was full of inspiring people and crossing boundaries. There were amazing concepts of ideas/ new products/ startup companies. The group of people were great, we helped each other any way possible and were there for each other when we needed someone. The coaches and speakers were great also. It wasn’t all theoretical, more things to consider and explanations on how to fill out the concepts.

Besides workshops and getting us to work out our own ideas there was an other important part of the weekend. We had to do karaoke. I was nervous a week before, we had to hand in our own karaoke song and I felt quit nervous about it. During the day some people told me they wouldn’t do the karaoke and the first thing I thought was “Well it’s part of the programme right”. I never thought about backing out, but I could feel the nervers stirring. When it was my turn first of all the music started, but the video with the lyrics didn’t pull through. I was playing with the mic nonchalantly and tried to “sing” without the text. When the text finally appeared the song was half way there so I asked to rewind to the beginning. I’m doing it all the way or no way at all 😉

The moment I stood with the microphone though all my nerves where gone, which was pretty cool, cause I felt totally relaxed and at ease (for some unexplained reason). That might’ve been cause I told the people that I was “Freaking nervous and scared” to stand there. My song “Blue Suede Shoes” was good and I could “sing” along pretty well 🙂 The feedback during the song and after was amazing! That group off people were so supportive. I know I had to take this step to feel such serenity and realize nothing is impossible.

If you face your fears you can cross boundaries you never even thought about breaking. 

I am going to start and workout all of my ideas and maybe I even follow up and create/ co create them 😉

The Mayans and the end of the world

So everbody thought the world would en 21-11-2012/ 11-21-2012 right? Why did we think that? Probably because one person said it so sincerely that people believed it.

I read that it wasn’t the end of the world but that at that time the poles energies would shift, start shifting.

So what do I believe? Obviously I don’t believe the world would end. I do think that the whole world is changing and that we might even be in the end of an era it start of a new one.
Look at what’s happening. Climate is changing all over the world, voilence is becoming more and more important. There’s so much negativity going on and I think all these sick people commiting these horrible crimes do that be because they know they’ll get plenty of news coverage. But that’s a side track.

I really do think we’re in a transition period of some sort. I think its an end of an era. Hopefully we leave this one soon so we can enjoy all the positivity and beautiful things in life, each other and this planet.
I don’t know how and when we reach it and in what state we’ll be in when it happens, but I’m looking forward to experience it!

For now you all have an amazing weekend and look for the things that make you happy/ smile/ laugh and even cry. Life’s beautiful and we all should enjoy it!


Buying CDs on Amazone

So finally I found an amazing band and I wanted to buy their CDs. So I went and looked at where they had them. I was excited until I realised it was just the MP3 CDs.
After a minute I thought: why the hell not and just buy them.

When I tried to order them I found out that the download this CD only works in the US! WTF! I live I. Europe and luckily I have some amazing friends in the US who are able to buy them for me and then send them to me in some sort of way, but I don’t get that I’m not able to buy a cd that I really like!

Thanks a lot Amazon for letting me buy amazing CDs while not living in the US!