Friendships

A hand full of people is the amount of people I call my family. Next to my family I have a circle of good friends. Some of my friends I see once a few months, some more, some less. Every friendship is different and it amazes me how a friendship can evolve and the bonds between some get stronger.

Here’s a couple of amazing things I want to share with you. First of all the fact that I never had many friends. The people surrounding me where always talking about so many people and hanging out with groups of friends. I never had that and I was a bit jealous of those people. Later I learned that most of those big group friendships where jut people to hang out with, nothing more. They didn’t care to care much about people, they just wanted to hang out. That’s okay, I’m not saying it isn’t but that’s not friendship for me. Friendship for me is the people in my life who are here unconditionally, no matter how crazy I am, no matter what. They are here for me because they want to be in my life. They want to share my highs and go with me through the lows and I’m oh so grateful I have these amazing people in my life now!

Some friends I don’t see a lot, only a couple of times a year (or for my international friends even once a couple of years) but when we are together it’s like we’ve never parted. With some I just hang, relax, talk a bit but are able to just be. Just sit and not talk, don’t feel obligated to talk at all, and I like that. With some I go deep, deep conversations, amazing ideas and just going crazy, which I love too 😀 Cause let’s face it: We’re all a little wacky, we’re all a little weird 😉

There’s one lady that truly is my soulmate (I’ve wrote about her before). She’s my sister, and when I need a brother she’s that for me too 🙂 Every time we are together, on the phone or just via text or e-mail I feel we’re growing closer to each other. And that’s such an amazing feeling to have. And I don’t know where our friendship will go but I’m sure she will always be there.

With other friends I feel some distance, but that’s okay. I believe that the people who are in your life are there for a reason. They have to be there at that stage in your life and when it’s time to grow or leave this stage you might have to leave those people too. I’m not saying you have to get rid of your friends when you step into a different stage in your life, I’m just saying the friendships will be different accordingly. I used to pull about friendships when I thought people were going to leave. I’ve put so much effort in previous friendships that really weren’t friendships, cause they didn’t treat me like I did them. And it has cost me so much energy that I’m not doing that any more. I get in touch with people of course, but if they don’t reply I’m not going to think much of it any more. They either want to be part of my life or they don’t it’s that simple. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with my friends, I’m just not going to be pull so hard anymore.

An other story is about a friend I made online, through Twitter to be exact. I don’t know exactly how we got to talking, well it started with tweets about SPN but than it came to poems I believe. I saw a poem of hers and she asked if I could look at the English and help her out with that. So I did and than we got to talking and now we’re e-mailing a whole lot. And about everything! I truly feel like she’s part of my family, she knows everything about me and knows exactly who I am and that’s something amazing. She sent me the following a couple of weeks back that got me teared up.

“And I am really glad that I have you in my life, there are only few people who really get me and you are one of them. You are special! 🙂 There are so many things that I share only with you! With you I can be myself. I can say whatever I want and you have helped me in so many ways..so Thank you! 🙂

You are a great human being and an awesome friend. You are an angel who brightens everyone’s life 🙂 You have your own problems to deal with yet you take time to listen to other people’s problems and try to help them. You are different because we never met, never actually spoke and still you care about me and that’s something I have never seen in anyone in my entire life! You could have avoided me or just reply to me casually but you really cared and helped and you were there when I needed some one to motivate me..I don’t know how many times I have said this but you really are a part of my life and I’m really glad that we get along and became friends! 🙂

You are the strongest person I have know, You had a pretty rough past but you didn’t let it ruin your future, You did find your way and keep your self away from all the negativeness..only a strong person can do that.

You should share your feelings and problems with the ones who cares for you and I bet there are so many people who really care about YOU! You..just you, the way you are..you are perfect.. and believe me you can change people..and if you can change a person like me than you can definitely change the world if you want. 😉

“Don’t ever change” “

I feel the same about her. I know that with all of my friends I can talk about my problems, but I’m fortunate that I found people online that I can truly call my friends who I know will also always be there. And it is not just her it’s a bunch of other people too, their not as close as this amazing lady but that doesn’t mean it’s not special and I’m not grateful. I’m grateful for all the people in my life, the once that were and the ones that are.

So for all of you: Thank you!

-xoxo-

This is it, this is what I want ;)

After seeing an amazing performance (check the link) of Gil McKinney at Supernatural’s #DCCon and an interesting talk I figured out what I want. I want to feel like the lyrics of this song about someone. That must be such an incredible feeling to have, I never had that about anybody. I’d give my life for my friends but that’s different than finding that one special person, who I’m sure is out there for everybody 😀

I found the lyric’s of John Legend’s amazing song All of  Me and I started to listen to them and it almost made me cry. Such beautiful lyrics and I started thinking that I miss this sometimes. Sometimes I wish I had someone I could feel this about, I don’t miss it all of the time but deep down I really want something like this. There are so many amazing songs that have such incredible lyrics and this one just hit me.

Gil’s performance was just mind blowing! I think I love his version even better than John Legend’s and that one is incredible! I have this song on repeat the whole day as of today and I can’t get enough, but than again that is soooo me too 😉 I can listen to a song for days and not getting tired of it at all.

So here’s the lyrics:

What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright

My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing in my head for you

My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
Give me all of you, ohohoh

Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all though it’s hard

Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all, of you, ohh

Have a good night y’all.

Much of ❤

-xoxo-

Ils

Who am I?

That’s a question I think a lot of people are asking themselves or get asked and don’t know the answer to right away. I think I know myself pretty well and I felt it was time to write it down. There’s a lot more to tell about me than this blog, but these are the thought’s that are keeping me up tonight so these are the ones I have to put on the screen.

Some of the things I write down might sound cruel or harsh, but this is the way I feel and if I keep it inside I’m only hurting myself. I never wanted to hurt people, I strongly believe in speaking your mind as long as it comes from the heart. And this one is.

It is okay to not knowing who you are. It’s hard to get a hold on yourself if society expects you to be someone who you think you are not. I have the same. I’m 32, single, with a decent job, an apartment (sort of) and great friends. A lot of people in their 30’s are settled down with a partner and kids and live in a house while having a good job, the job they wanted (or maybe just settled for). But that’s just not me. I don’t want to settle for a job that doesn’t make me happy. I don’t want to settle for a partner I am not completely in love with and know that person is the one (even though settling with someone who is great and you care about might be a lot easier). I don’t want to live in a house that doesn’t feel like it is mine. I want the world! And that might sound ridiculous but I have dreams, I have big dreams I know. But I also know that if I set my mind to it, work on everything that is still bothering me, I can have what I want and I will have what I truly desire 😀

People might call me a geek cause I love to watch Sci-fi shows and movies (like movies from Marvel, Buffy, Angel, The Tomorrow People, Arrow, Transformers and so on). I never thought of myself as a sci-fi geek, but I’ve always loved the science fictional TV shows and movies. Supernatural is THE TV show of my life. What that show is doing to me and other people I’ve been writing about in other blogs, but I can honestly say it changed my life. Maybe not the show directly but the cast, crew and other fans did for sure. I’ve made some amazing friends through that show and I am truly grateful that this show has changed my life. And I’m super exited that I can finally say my thanks to the cast and crew next year at their convention in Las Vegas. It’ll be an amazing start of my 2 month road trip 😀

I have never felt I belonged. Not with my family, not in Holland (where I’ve been born and bread) and not in the house that I live in. People keep saying “Oh you have such an amazing house/ apartment” and all I can think about is “Yes it is lovely, but it’s not my home, it is just for the time being”. The times where I do feel like home is when I’m in the USA. That might sound crazy but it is the truth. The first time I was there it felt like it should. I can’t explain it, but I remember to this day that when we where standing on The Strip in Las Vegas I was thinking “Yup, I knew it would feel like this, nothing special, feels like I belong”. And it felt like I have been there before. I was 17 at the time and at 19 I flew to Tallahassee and spend 5 weeks with a friend, when I was 23 I went to study Media and Theatre Arts at Montana Stated University in Bozeman for a year, the year after I came back, the same 2/3 years later and the last time was in 2011. Every time I have a trip planned to the US I feel like I’m going home.

That feeling is weird to have and I’ve been thinking about that for a long time. Why would that feel like home, is that because it’s a safe place, am I running away from here, is that truly home? How can it feel like home when I’ve been living in Holland for 30 years? That thought has haunted me for quite some time and someone just recently told me that it’s okay. He said “So what? What’s so wrong with running away to a place you feel like is home?” And that got me thinking too. My past hasn’t been very nice here and the US has always felt like home, so why is that a bad thing? For some unexplainable reason Holland has always felt like a lay-over for me, don’t know why but I’m done thinking about the why and just accepting that it is.

As I wrote down above I never felt I belonged, always felt out off place, never did what people expected (not even now), always had big dreams (even though most people never knew about them), always doing things my way (as far as I could). My family never felt like family. That doesn’t mean I have bad ties with my family, not at all, but it never felt I was part of it for some reason. I strongly believe in “Family don’t end with blood” and “Just because you’re blood, doesn’t mean your family”. And as hard as it was for me to realise or write down for me that’s what it is. I surround myself with a couple of amazing people (all around the world) who I call my family and for me they truly are. That doesn’t mean I don’t care for my relatives and that I don’t spend time with them, for me it’s just different.

Helping people is one thing I really want to do in my life. I believe I’ve always tried to help people, but maybe that was just pleasing others so the noticed me, I’m not sure, but I’ve always been someone people could rely on and trust. I am proud that I’ve established that with my friends as well, they come to me and they don’t have to tell me not to tell anyone else, cause they know I won’t. I feel strongly about not talking about other people. If you want to tell the whole world something you should, if you only tell me I won’t tell anybody else, cause that’s not my place and I don’t want it to be. I want to be a safe harbour where people can tell their stories without being misunderstood but feel welcome and listened too. One of my strengths is to being able to empathise with people even though I haven’t experienced it myself. I don’t judge and my friends keep saying that they love that about me. I kinda love that about myself too, but on the other hand, why would I judge? I don’t know why you made that decision, you must have had a reason to do that. I don’t want my friends to be hurt but I’m sure as hell not going to tell them they are making the wrong decision, I will tell them what I think and if I’m concerned or not and that I don’t want them to get hurt, but I’m not going to tell them what to do or not. I will tell them what I feel though, and they appreciate that as well.

I do a lot of things by myself, always have and always will. I go on trips by myself, go to concerts abroad, movies, dinner, whatever it is, if I want to do something and there aren’t people who want to tag along I just go by myself. The fact that I’m alone doesn’t mean I am not going to do the things that I love. People say they admire that about me, for me that’s just who I am, nothing more, nothing less.

I don’t take credit for anything and status doesn’t do me much. After all I’ve been through I did go to school and college and the moment it was time to pick up my Bachelors Diploma I was like “Do I have to go there?” It didn’t do me much, I went to school, I made it and I was out. I have the same with every accomplishment in my life. The fact that I arranged the whole exchange program for me and a few other classmates didn’t do me much. It was how it was supposed to be. That’s what everything in my life is like. If I think I need help, I go out and seek it. If I think something needs to be done, I do it. If I want to do something (like skydiving or go to a concert abroad) I don’t hesitate and take action and do it (alone or not), no big deal. What I need to learn more is that these things DO MATTER, these are great accomplishments and when I think about it I know it rationally but I don’t really feel it. It was what was supposed to happen that time, so it did.

I know I trust my instincts and I have to rely on them more. My feelings and my gut are always right, I just need to trust them more. It was just a few years back that I started to notice what my gut was telling me and just started to do what I wanted and if I didn’t feel like doing something that I chose for myself in stead of just saying yes and feeling bad after. This change was a good one and also a scary one, I was never the one saying no, and now I was the one that said no most of the time. But I decided that I should choose me instead of pleasing others. It’s my life and I have to be happy with what I do, so there ya go 😉 It is still hard sometimes to choose me, but when I’ve made that decision I know I’ve been right and that gives me peace of mind.

So why am I so afraid to take the next step in my life and take action on a move to the US? I tell you why and it doesn’t make that much sense. I think too much about what other people think about me. There’s a lot of people that hate the US and always bitch about it (“It’s not easy to go there”, “You know health care is horrible”, “What are you going to do there, what kind of job”, “How are you going to arrange everything”, “The government is crazy”, “Wages aren’t fair” and so on). I’m afraid of the reactions from other and also the fact that I don’t have the answers, I don’t know what I’m going to do there, what job I’m going to have, where I’m going to live. That’s a scary thought, but I feel it’ll all work out, even though I don’t have the answers yet. An other thing is that I am going to have to leave every safe aspect of my life behind if I do (my house, job, friends and family). That’s a part that makes me nervous, but on the other hand I can get back here if it doesn’t turn out. I’ve been keeping this dream for myself and only a couple of other people that are very close to me, but I’m done keeping it a “secret”. For most of the people who know me, this shouldn’t come as a surprise, if it is they don’t know me very well. I want to go there, I need to go there, it is my home. I don’t care about when, how or what, I’m not going to worry about it, because I know it’ll happen. Maybe soon,maybe in a few years, I don’t know, but I know it’ll happen and I’m ready for it. I’m not going to keep this in any longer, cause it’s only hurting me to keep this inside. I know for a fact that I can finally go home and that it all makes sense, whatever it is, whatever I’m going to do it will be great! And next years road trip will have a huge part to play but again I’m ready “Bring it on!!!”:D

-xoxo-

Ils