Acting class 2/8

Today was the second acting class I took and as promised a “little” story about how that went.

After last weeks class I was freaking out for the most of the week(end). During the weekend I looked at myself and said: Oh no you’re not getting that scared again. I imagined that this class would be better and more fun and that I wouldn’t be scared to stand in front of all those people. A few days ago I thought it might be a good idea to explain to the class what happened to me last week but after talking to a couple of people I decided not to. They said (and I have to remember that) that I don’t have to justify my action to anyone but me, there’s no need to explain to anyone other than myself what happened (if I have to explain it that is). But as someone who would like to have everything under control that is pretty hard.

This class we also started in a circle Β (I don’t remember if I wrote that down last time, but my brain was so scrambled and I was so hyper that I must’ve forgotten somethings πŸ˜‰ ) and make a sound and a movement. Someone started that sound and movement (lets just call it SoMo for now) and basically address that to someone else in the group. Than that person had to mimic the SoMo of the first and than threw his/ hers to someone else. In the beginning we went a little slow but it’s a good way to empty your brain and really get into the moment. Ohhh and when our professor counts 1, 2, 3 we have to do a karate movement and yell “Kung Fu” which is kinda fun.

Okay so that was part one, now part two. We were positioned in two groups of five opposite from each other, each facing someone on the other end of the room. Than first we had to be very angry at that person and curse and yell, only in gibberish, and be so angry that you wanted to punch that person in the face. The other people of your group had to hold you back, so that you wouldn’t actually kill the other person πŸ™‚ This was hard, probably because you couldn’t use real words and basically only had to use your anger so that the other person could feel it. The moment I got into it I just basically started yelling random gibberish but mostly the same words (I believe). I felt some of the anger bubbling up to the surface so that kinda worked. Next was that we had to (also in gibberish) tell our group we really liked someone of the other group and had to “talk” by movement and voices what you wanted to do to that other person. How they made you feel and how you would react to that. This was so much more difficult than that first exercise. The most difficult part was that the group had to follow your lead and that you had to get them on your side and let them follow your lead. It went okay, I still was thinking too much but I expressed myself more than last week, so that was good πŸ˜€

And then there was a “I’m standing at a bus stop and some person is waiting for the bus as well”. There were four waiting at the bus stop and one was waiting in the hall. The four of us were told who/ what that other person was and we had to “act” as if that really happened. There were some funny (Madonna and a cow) ones and a few weird ones (Marc Dutroux and God for example). Our group had the God one and that was the hardest of all. We had to figure out how we, in real life, would act. I would probably (and I’m not a believer) be dumbfounded when that would happen, so on the second try (we didn’t do much the first try) the first thing I did was faint. And I think so did the rest, but I couldn’t really see. It had to be bigger than that cause we all seemed like we thought we were going to hell, which was pretty funny. So the next try I fainted first, than crawled up to God (cause you know, what else are you gonna do when you see something you don’t believe in :)) and pleaded and hugged him (which must’ve been weird for the girl playing God, cause she didn’t know she was supposed to be that “character”), and I was proud I did that, cause that was out of my comfort zone, but I just rolled with it (like that saying πŸ˜€ ).

Our final exercise was to play a “home-made” scene in pairs. This was the 5W exercise, difficult but I thought it was a great one and I did that best. Me and my partner Nur were playing a scene between two sisters (I was at the office and she came in to talk to me cause I didn’t responded to any of her calls, texts etc) who got into a fight cause I didn’t see our mom that much, even though she was sick, and she came over for an explanation. The first Β few tries were okay but we didn’t really portrayed it right, I think. Than my sister went out of the room and our teacher talked to me about what happened to me (my character) in the past. We decided it wasn’t pleasant, it was a really bad (touchy, feelly dad) situation and my sister and mom knew about what daddy did to me all those times and all those years ago and that pissed me off and hurt me so much that I didn’t want to see my mom even though she was sick. I could grab that emotion pretty okay and I got sad, hurt, and started to yell a bit. I showed my feelings a lot and it felt good. It’s not that I started to scream at my sister that she new what happened and never did anything about it and she just basically said “hey, it’s your own fault” and didn’t want to listen. It pissed me off and I could show the hurt, but I couldn’t get pissed enough to really start yelling and screaming and cursing.

All in all I’m proud of today, I wasn’t afraid like I was last week, but I was nervous. Probably because I just don’t know how to act and can’t really handle uncomfortable situations, YET! I know next week will be better and today all I can say was that it was FUN to be there and I went out off my comfort zone and I really showed something good today. So I can sleep very well tonight and can’t wait what next week has in store for me.

Now I think about it I think I know what actors feel like when they do an emotional scene. They get out of there comfort zone, they really get into the moment and get the feelings they need to show what they want you to show. And that, my dear friends, is a great feeling. I’m just getting started and I know I have lots to learn, but I can say that I get it know πŸ˜€

That’s it for tonight, have a good one (day/ night whatever it is at your timezone) and I’ll keep you posted!



Acting = Scary? WHY???

As you know last Wednesday I had my first (out of eight) acting class. I wrote about how terrified I was during the class and that it was so nerve wrecking. As you can read in my post about that or the post the day after I wrote about my thoughts on the process.

I also talked to a few other colleagues and one of them said to me: “Why can’t you show other people what a great person you are? What is it that holds you back?” I can’t tell you that.

The rest of the week, until I think yesterday I was nervous every time I was thinking about acting. And than I thought “STOP IT!” I shouldn’t be afraid to act. I don’t know why I am afraid. Maybe it’s because deep down I don’t want to disappoint myself or other people Or maybe because I don’t want to make a fool out of my self, I’m embarrassed or something. I don’t know, but that is not the point. The point is that I signed up for this class to have fun, to learn how to entertain people, to learn how to portray someone other then myself. It doesn’t have to do anything about fear, I know there might be some exercises I’d rather not do, but I just want to have fun. I want to be creative, I want to come with a brilliant way to explain why someone needs to play tennis and not just 2 sentences and than go blank. I want my brain to take over and really get into the character that I am trying to portray. I might not be able to improvise as much as other people can, but that is because (for now at least) I feel like I need to know what I have to say, or at least have some sort of script. But that can change too, maybe in the end I love to improvise and be better at it.

I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve been trying to feel comfortable, I’ve been trying to Neuro Linguistic Program myself a bit and I think it’ll work. I have a tattoo on my shoulder which states: “No FEAR”, so why am I afraid. I have no idea. It might be because of the things I wrote down above, or it might be something completely else. The thing is that it shouldn’t matter.

I know I have this gift called HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality) which makes me able to feel other peoples feelings and understand what they go through, even if I haven’t experienced this myself. So again: why am I afraid for the acting class. Maybe I just felt all the nerves from everyone in the room, or it might be completely me. The thing is: I DIDNT LIKE IT! And I don’t want to feel like that anymore, it was exhausting and not fun at all, to feel sooooooo tense for 3 hours during the class and almost 2 hours after.

An other thing is that I did GISHWES last year and I had a photo taken of me in a tea bag bikini, and I didn’t mind that. That turned out great and I even presented the photo’s to my colleagues, so come to think about that it really isn’t realistic for me to be scared of acting or to be in front of a group. Especially when it’s a safe environment where everyone respects each other and wants the same thing I want: to ACT and learn how to be a different character/ person.

So I have decided that at the beginning of Wednesdays class I’ll ask if I can have a few minutes and than I’ll try to explain what happened last week and why I am there. I am there for the FUN not for the FEAR and I know it might get hard, but I also I will be able to act and perform in front of a group without being tense of fear for the whole time.

And that’s all folks πŸ˜‰

G’night! ❀


The day after: acting class 1/8

Yesterday I had my first acting class which was pretty intense. If you’re interested in that story please check it outΒ and let me know what you think. I was home late, made myself ready for bed and took my laptop with me so I could write down my experience.

Normally I feel weird about opening up this much in a group. I feel like people look at my funny and that it’s nonsense what I feel and how I act. Yesterday I didn’t, I felt secure in the group and could really look at people when I did the assignments, so that’s a big YAY for me πŸ˜€ And come to think about it i really looked people in the eye, which I also think is very scary in the beginning. I really looked at them and they looked at me fully understanding/ respecting and making me feel safe. That is looking back I think the biggest thing I think happened yesterday.

When I woke up this morning woke up kinda middle in a dream. That (those) dreams where so vivid that I had to write them down. I like writing down the things I dream about so I can reflect on what happens to me at night and how I feel when I wake up. Most of my dreams are private, but some I post here as well. But I just got sidetracked so back to what I was going to write down.

I woke up, got dressed and commuted to work by bus. Because my dream was so intense I wrote it down while commuting. When I did an other dream from a couple of days ago popped up in my head and I wrote that one down as well. I had the time to do that all in the hour I was commuting and it feels good to write about that. When I was at work I arranged the coffee and tea for the invigilators who were helping with exams this week. One of my colleagues (a teacher) came in to the room and when I was started walking away I told him I had my first acting class yesterday and I was still a bit shaken up about it. We talked about what acting is and why I started to act. I told him I knew it would be terrifying but that I needed it for myself, to grow break out of that shell. We talked about that we have to do some scary things when we are driven to accomplish something (it’s called being ambitious I just remembered). We all have dreams and if we want to make them real there are things we have to do that scared the hell out of us. I told him that I told the group that I said it was scary to stand there and that I showed my vulnerability and he said that was amazing. He asked if I think about what other people think of me, and I told them I used to but that is a lot less now. It’s still there and it probably won’t go away completely but that’s okay. Than we talked about the need for control, the need to know what we want to talk about and about the “blankness” I had when it was my turn on stage. That I couldn’t tell someone she had to play tennis in Arabic, cause I can’t talk Arabic (which totally isn’t the point in acting ;)). He told me that’s why I’m such a good back office person, cause there I have control and do what is necessary, think ahead and know what’s expected. So thank you for the compliment good sir πŸ˜‰

We had some conversation about what improvisation is and that I thought that was very hard. My mind went blank and I couldn’t come up with stuff on stage. He told me that every dialogue people have is improvisation, cause you always react on other people and you never know what other people say and how they will react. I thought that was a very good point he made and I never really thought about it that way.

Than he also said that if I could and was willing to I could practice at work to. That I could easily tell one of my colleagues I go out of the room, come back in, be pissed as hell and create an argument with that person. He named someone and told me she would play along and that it would be cool to do. He also told me he could be my test person and I told him I would, but not just yet. So we made an agreement that I would do that after the sixth class. Which kind off freaks me out right now, but I know I will be able to do it. I told him I would come in his office unexpected and be so upset (angry or something else) and start screaming and yelling at him, so I know it’s going to be fun.

What I also said to him is that I wrote down what I experienced yesterday and he said that is a good thing. Talking and writing about it are the best ways to process experiences and looking back on them. So again it’s been a great experience and I can’t wait to see what next week has in store for me. I’m still a little woozy in my gut, but that might also be the antibiotics I’m taking at the moment πŸ˜‰


Acting class 1/8

Tonight I had my first acting class ever. My friend and I decided it would be fun to follow an eight week course called: Introduction in Acting.

I thought, dunno what she thought though, that it was the principles of acting, starting slow and move onward. WOW was I wrong! We were thrown in a pool and that was scary. My other friend told me, when I told her I didn’t know what to expect, that it was going to be fun and you know “Act like a tree” so I was pretty amazed that it was noting like that at all!

So we didn’t do a introduction round no we just started right away. One by one we had to come into the room (or on the stage) and tell us about our day. After that we got an assignment. This wasn’t after everybody told their story and then we started over with that assignment. No the first person who told about their day immediately was asked to get out of their comfort zone and do an assignment. The people before me were amazing, and I was like: Oh hell what is he going to ask of me. I felt all the tension from everybody and the nerves also, and also my own nerves, so it was pretty intense.

When it was my turn I came in and told them about my day. He asked me how it was like to do that and I told him I was nervous and felt scared. I also told him I was super sensitive and I could everybody else’s feelings as well. He then asked me what my hobbies were and when I said Tennis he said: Convince somebody that they have to play Tennis. And I was so nervous and confused about what to say. I blacked out. He then told me that I am a person who needs to control the situation and always have to know what is going on. My brain went blank, and blank. He asked me not to talk to the wall and also asked me to convince someone to play Tennis in Arabic, which I told I can’t do, cause I don’t speak Arabic (which really isn’t necessary when you’re acting, cause you’re acting and you only have to bring the message along (this comes up when I’m typing this)). After that didn’t work he asked me why it was scary to stand there and than I broke down a little. I told the group it was scary to perform in front of a group cause people look at you. I told them I afraid of not doing a good job, that the people wouldn’t like what they were seeing. He asked why and I told the group: Cause I had a shitty past and almost started crying. Then he asked me to tell a joke, in that moment. And I had to think for a second and came up with the lamest joke there was, but the point he made is that even if you get emotional there’s always a way out. You have to keep going. So that’s what I learned.

After that we were doing another round but than to have a conversation with someone else. One person was waiting till someone came into the room and then started a conversation. No one knew what it was going to be about only the person coming into the room was. This was a “listen and look” exercise, you have to listen, look and react about the other person and that first person wanted something from the other one. The think is we, as a second person, needed to find out what it was they wanted from us. With that exercise it felt a lot the people brought in a real experience. I was the receiving end (second person, who waited for the first one to come into the room) and I thought it was really hard to come up with answers to the questions I got asked. Now (about 2 hours after the lesson) I figured that my reaction time is long, my brain is empty when I have to improvise. I’ve never been able to get an answer on the spot, especially when I’m dumbfounded about the question or, as our “teacher” so politely told me: when I don’t have control of the situation.

So I’ve learned quite a bit about myself today and even though it scares me I am going back, cause I can’t wait what he has in store for me next week. I know there’s more boundaries to cross and that it’s going to be painful, he told us he’s not a psychologist and that’s good, but its going to be good. I made a little progress and I am certain I am able to shed of more next week and the week after.

Thinking about the class today a feeling of trust is also coming up. There where these little moments when other people where “on stage” and once a while there was a little eye contact. I thought that was pretty amazing. When I stood in front of the group and looked at the people there also was a feeling of trust and understanding. They respected me and that was a good feeling as well. So all in all a good experience, scary, funny, crazy, heart beating out of my chest nerve wrecking, but GOOD.

So now I’m going to sleep and see what tomorrow will bring at work.

Excited for next week!

Sleep well/ have a great night/ day! ❀ -me

Ps. For my own head: He teaches with the 5 W values of acting: Who, What, Where, Why and When