I just saw it’s been more than 1,5 years since I last wrote a post. I have been wanting to write, but I couldn’t find a topic I wanted to write about.
The last year has been draining. I took a course for work, which I passed, yay 🙂 and there’s been some changes in my work which is all good, but it took energy. Energy that apparently I didn’t really had in the first place. I couldn’t get back energy, I wasn’t able to rest up in the weekends of during my days off of work. And that’s been going on for a while, at least a year also. I just didn’t really realize it and pushed through.
After the summer I realized I couldn’t really get through with all of this and was done being drained of energy so I took steps to figure out for once and for all why and where that comes from.
Last week I got the answer and it made me happy that I finally knew and it also made so much sense about how my life had turned out so far. Today I had more insight’s and it was and is very emotional. It’s 1.40 am on a Saturday night and I’ve been awake for a while, with thoughts in my head about time slipping away and things and experiences I haven’t been able to go through because of it all.
This will be my most personal and vulnerable post I’ve written but I feel the urge to share it.
As you know I only write from the heart and I write for me to get some insights and also write it for you, if you read this and it helps you or it gives you insight or understanding that’s all I can hope for.
So lets start at the beginning. I’ve written about being bullied in primary and high school. I wrote that I closed the book on that chapter of my life and at the time that was true. I still believe I closed that chapter, but I also know now that a traumatic experience as a child has more repercussions than I thought.
I’ve always been tired, I cannot remember a day where I wasn’t or haven’t been. I was able to function properly, but I’ve been tired for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on vacation, I’ve lived abroad for a year, I’ve been sky-diving, I’ve been playing tennis or other sports but nothing I’ve done made a difference. I’ve tried excising more, eating more healthy, meditating, but all those things didn’t have any effect.
After this summer, where I had 4 weeks to recharge, I was even more empty than ever. I went to look for a place, a therapy, that could give me answers. My doctor, last year, said a lot of people are tired and there was nothing he could do. So I tried the alternative route, not the western medicine route and I found an answer that explains everything.
I set an appointment with a natural medicine specialist and they send me a neurotransmitter questionnaire. This will help determine which neurotransmitter needs to be recharged and how to do that. I found out two of the 4 neurotransmitters work well the other two not so much. Dopamine and GABA levels are too low. We found out that I’ve been running on adrenaline for a long time and that I have been in my flight or flight mode since I was bullied. In that time I wanted to be safe and the only way to do that was to be in a constant state of checking each and every situation and each and every person. The bullying stopped after 10 years but I’ve never shut down that fight or flight mode. I’ve never realized I’ve been running on constant fear and adrenaline until last week. Because of this my energy levels are so low that I’ve never been able to refuel. This all made so much sense to me and I finally was able to let another weight off of my shoulders. I’m taking natural supplements which will change the levels of these neurotransmitters so that I can get my energy back and I have a few appointments with her to see what else we can do. I’ve also cut back on work so that I can heal faster.
Days after the appointment I felt some adrenaline triggers. As I was walking into the school that I work at I felt my breath higher and faster, I felt my body temperature rise, I felt unease and I felt fear. I was checking all the students and thought “What will they think of me” and the kind of thoughts I usually don’t pay attention to. I immediately knew those where my adrenaline triggers, those are my fight and flights triggers. It felt good knowing and a day later I didn’t have that. I’ve been having these realizations for the last week and I’m very happy that I know them now. I know these might not be all of them but I know these are the big ones. Knowing it makes me feel better and I know I can finally do something about them.
Since the session I’ve been emotional, I’ve had good days and really really bad days, but I’m accepting each and every day as it comes. I know this is also a process I need to go through and I’m proud I’ve made it this far. I feel strong for all the things I’ve been able to do so far and how much I’ve been able to do without energy. It all feels weird and far away but also very close for reasons I cannot explain.
Yesterday was rough and as I’ve been watching Glee for the last week I put that on when I got home. Today I’ve been watching it too and I realized that because I’ve been in this fight or flight mode ever since being a kid I’ve pushed away from everyone and everything. I’ve missed all the stuff “normal” teens and young adults experience and it sucks that this happened. I’ve been content with the life that I have now and the amazing people that I call my friends and family, but I feel really sad for all the things I wasn’t able to experience. Like go on adventures with friends, having a group of friends to hang out with, sneaking out to do fun stuff with, love, first loves, relationships, intimacy, doing crazy things, having crushes on people, staying up all night dancing, knowing that people have my back, teen drama, flings, experimenting with all kinds of things. I haven’t been able to do all those things and I can’t go back to do them cause I will never be that age again. I know I’ve done this myself, I let myself be like that and I know there was a good reason for it, but it feels like I’ve been robbed of these experiences that I will never be able to get. And that is something that makes me feel sad. I cried about that earlier this night, while watching Glee and I appreciated the show even more. The way they portray the songs and the amount of feelings they put into them is incredible. I’ve always loved music, it’s my escape and has been forever. I can get into a song and nothing else matters. I can listen to the same song over and over again for hours, days and it can make me feel something else each time. I love to see artist get into their music and performance and take me with them into a song.
I know I can’t change the past and I am happy with the person I am today. I am proud of who I am and what kind of person I’ve become and it can only get better. And it will get even better when I break the triggers and I get a hold on them. In a few months I will go to hypnotherapy. I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to get hypnotized. On the other hand I know it’s a way I can break triggers and conditions I’ve set up for myself that I’m not conscious about. I’m looking forward to those sessions and I’m also looking forward to all the things I’m going to do in my life. The days that I choose to stay in bed just because I want to stay in bed, not because I don’t have the energy to get up. The days that when I have done a lot I can come home and wound down and look back on an incredible day without being drained, just exhausted. These days will come and I am really exited about them.
With sharing this story I hope that people will realize what effects a trauma early on in life can have later in life. I knew bullying could lead to mental problems, I’ve experienced them, but that they could also trigger physical and even neurotransmitters is something I didn’t know. I think no one knows or realizes this and that’s why I think it’s important to share. Science has come so far these days and I know in the time of me being bullied this science wasn’t there or not out in the open. I really hope people will realize what they to do to each other and what the effects can be later in life.
For now I’m saying good night!
As always,
Much ❤
Some of my Random Thoughts and Ideas 