Feeling lost, epiphanies and letting go

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This quote is so appropriate for me right now. I think I just let go of something I didn’t know I was clinging on to so much.

I’ve always had this feeling that I was meant to live in the US. I’ve been to the states a whole lot and it feels good being here. For some reason I always thought it was more spacey, it feels more roomy and yes I feel at home here. I never knew where that feeling came from, and it doesn’t really matter anyways, cause it is what it is. I had this strong urge to move here and I made a decision to do this about two years ago. I haven’t made any plans but last year this feeling about Austin came across and now I’m here. I haven’t moved, I am here on vacation and I’m halfway on my trip. I’ve done some things, explored a bit, made some friends (yay 😀 ), created a Austin Pro list, but I’ve also felt lost and very confused. It was hard and scary to get out of the house even just to go for a walk or to the lake to check it out.

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I know that’s okay and I should just do what I want, even if that’s just relaxing on the couch watching movies or hanging around in the hammock. Being on vacation doesn’t mean I have to plan my whole day, but I’ve wrote about that in my previous post.

Today I told my friend about that, she’s in a retreat right now and doesn’t really have time or isn’t supposed to reach out, but she just send me a message. A message she’s thinking about me and when I told her I felt lost she said “You’ll find your way” and I know that’s true. I am also very very grateful that she send me that message, I think it was part of a little chain reaction. Almost right after I had a thought and maybe even an epiphany.

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I think the lesson that I am learning is that it doesn’t matter where I live as long as I do whatever I want and love to do. Maybe this “I want to live in the US” goes back to before I was born into this world, maybe I got yanked out from a previous life and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it ever since. It might even predate me or maybe it was because I’ve never felt at home in Holland. It doesn’t really matter why, all it matters is that it was and now it’s not anymore. I have amazing people all over the world, I have family and friends in Holland and a good job which allows me to travel a lot. I appreciate that so much.

It feels totally okay not to know where I’m going now, I can be wherever and feel like me, I don’t feel I am a better person when I’m in de US, I don’t need to be accepted by everyone, cause the only person that matters is me and me accepting myself. And I’m accepting me, I am accepting and appreciating who I am, how I am, how I treat people, what I have, what I give, what I share and what I am becoming. And that is the truth and for me that’s all that matters.

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It doesn’t mean I can’t live here in the states or that I have to leave Holland, it also doesn’t mean I will never make this move, it means I am going to focus on finding out what’s making my spark light up and finding my way, while I keep traveling whenever I can 🙂

❤ always,

Me

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Expectations and realizations

Austin

So I’m sitting here in Austin as my second week of the summer vacation is about to start and I’m having this incredible realization. I’ve been here for a week, house and dog sitting my friends house and dogs (obviously 🙂 ). They took me to a couple of places before they left for Europe and after that I felt like I fell in a hole.

Last year I picked Austin as a city I would like to live in, even though I haven’t been there yet, all these signs about Austin kept coming up and finally I decided I wanted to move here. I didn’t have or wanted to make rush plans and just let it sink in. A few months ago my colleague told me her mom was going on a Europe trip with them and they would probably wanted someone to take care of their house and their dogs. I’d happily said yes. And now I’m here and I love the weather, yesterday we had some Houston weather (which meant more humidity than normal here in Austin) but overall I like it. Yes it gets hot, it gets really hot, but it’s not the hotness of not being able to breath anymore.

I figured that when I move here I’d be indoors most of these hot days anyways, cause I’d probably have to work here too 🙂 I think the hottest hours are from 11.00 – 17.00, which usually means it’s between business ours and in the weekends there’s a ton of places to cool of, like lakes and pools and oh yeah airconditioned houses 😛

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Back to that whole hole falling episode. My friends took me out to a couple of places and the moment I was alone I didn’t know what to do. I was kind of afraid of getting out of the house. Why? I don’t know! Maybe because I had to “defrost” and just getting used to the fact that I’m actually here. I loved the places my friends took me too and I went out to the store for some groceries and to the movies (which is always a huge safe haven for me). I got online and RSVP’ed to MeetUp events and I did a Yoga class. After that class I felt a lot better. The atmosphere there was great, it was a good sweat!

The day after however I felt the same. It felt like I had to do more. I told a lot of people I was going to the place I want to live and I felt pressure (which I put onto myself, let’s be honest about that) to fill my days up with exploring Austin. Cause I felt like I had to have stories when I’d come back to Holland. I also asked myself these funny questions like: “but where are you gonna eat” or “where are you going to park” and that made the “fear” and doubt greater. It is a bit overwhelming figuring out what to do without having someone else with me. I usually don’t plan on holidays, I want to relax and if the friend who’s with me has plans or wants to do stuff I just tag along. I don’t need much.

I called one of my friends the other day and she asked me what’s wrong with not doing anything? I honestly couldn’t tell her… I don’t care if people have an active vacation or a vacation they just hang at the beach and relax. So why do have to do stuff? Don’t know. I’ve been around, driving bits and I loved it. I took the DuckTour yesterday and I ate on 6th Street in de Bikini bar, which was amazing. I experienced the traffic here and I know I can handle that too. I love how green it is here, there’s so many trees, there’s lakes and the river so I don’t have anything to complain about. She also told me, very wise that friend of mine, part of moving to a new city is experiencing it and figuring out what’s there. That’s part of the fun of moving and living in a new city. I don’t have to know everything about it, I just have to know if it feels right.

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I want to relax when I’m on a vacation and I don’t want the pressure of having to do anything. And that’s something I realized today. I am here in the amazing garden, sitting in the shade, listening to birds and crickets and I’m relaxed. Yes I am to experience Austin, but part of that is also being able to be here with just me and be okay with just being me and with me.

I got a couple of things plans for the next coming days and I’d like to go to the beach next week. I don’t have too much planned for this week, but that’s okay cause I still got 3 weeks left and I can do whatever I want. I don’t need to come back with huge stories, I want to come back relaxed and really for whatever comes next in my life. If it’s moving to Austin, I don’t know, but I do know I can live here. It feels good and that’s basically all I wanted to know, so it’s safe to say: Mission Accomplished 😀

ToDoList  EnjoyLife