This is me

I just watched The Greatest Showman for the second time and all I can say is WOW. The songs, yes it’s a musical, are so spot on and I got emotional a lot. With the songs and what happens in the story. For anyone who hasn’t seen it and don’t want to know anything about it, should not read further. I’m not spoiling much but I write a little outline of the story.

The story is basically about the man who invented the Circus, P.T. Barnum and how he created these amazing shows for people using “unusual” people, outcasts of society and how they became family. The story is still relevant to this day cause people who are different and do “life” different are still made to feel disgusted, shameful and bad about themselves. And that pisses me off and that is putting it lightly. So when I saw that in the film I got mad, really really angry at the people who set that off in me.

One of the songs in the film “This is me” is so good and powerful, it hits me every time I see it. There’s this video about studio pitch (a read through where they basically try to sell the movie to the studio) and it’s a make it or break it day for the whole cast and what happens during this song is, for me at least, pure magic. Everyone is feeling it and I can feel it through the video. There is so much power and so much vulnerability from basically everyone in the room and it’s so beautiful and raw and yes I LOVE it!

The lyrics are about accepting and loving yourself and breaking through the “shame” and barriers of people who “are” normal and that you shouldn’t listen to all those who cannot accept the differences between people and (but that’s the way I see it) are afraid of things they don’t see as beautiful and as basically human. The chorus is:

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

 

There’s a lot of people I know too are always looking at what is different about other people and laugh about it. I never got that. I’m different, I’ve always been different, I’ve never done life how you’re “supposed” to live life. Maybe I don’t have a “weird or strange” appearance, but I’ve not lived the way society is portrayed. Like having boyfriends in your teens, having a family in your 30’s and having a career (making good money) and a house in those years as well. I’ve never done that, I never really cared for it to be honest, but I’ve always felt the pressure from everyone about it. It felt like I was (am) doing life wrong. But that is the thing right, it’s MY life and I do it MY way. If you don’t like how I live it, don’t tell me or look at me funny, but just go, leave. If you can’t accept me for who I am and what I do I don’t want you in it. I’m not trying to change people, I like people the way they are. I don’t point out what’s different about that person to others, I don’t see it. All I see is a person, a human being who is living their life.

When I tell people I see movies or TV shows over and over again, I get this look, like “Oh come on, really, you’re weird” and people don’t understand it. But I don’t see the same movie or the same TV show. Every time I do I get this feeling, this amazing feeling (wether it’s really sad or happy or exciting, whatever) and I see a different movie or show. I see new things and I experience it differently.

Also people try and tell me, or explain and justify why they do things or don’t do things. When I talk about my tattoos I hear a lot “Well I might want to have one but……..” and that’s totally fine. Get one if you want to, or don’t if you don’t, I don’t care. I’m not trying to convince you to get one I’m just trying to explain what they mean to me and why I have them or get them.

The moment I start to talk about meditating I immediately feel a defence system going up and people get really really defensive about why they don’t. “Yeah I know I should do stuff like that, but………”, or “I want to try but I can’t empty my mind”, which is not how I look at meditation at all, or “It might be good for me but I don’t have the time….”. Okay that’s totally fine with me, but I’m not trying to tell you that you should do it, I’m just sharing my experiences. And yes sometimes they can be very different and hard to explain, which doesn’t mean I want a disapproving look or a look that I’m not “normal”. If you want me to explain what happens and how I do it, I’m happy to tell you. If you make fun of me about what happens during these sessions I’m not okay with that.

The same with songs or movies or shows. The fact that I like it doesn’t mean you have to like it, but don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I tell you I like One Direction or Bon Jovi or that I’ve seen King Arthur: Legend of the Sword like a 100 times and watched Sons of Anarchy over and over again. Don’t tell me it’s a waste of time and I should go to the gym or do something “useful”. You don’t know why I watch or listen to it, you don’t know what it’s giving me and what it does to me. What you think is “useful” I might think is a waste of time. Do I tell you that? No, cause it’s YOUR life and you live it the way you want to. I don’t have any say in it, and I’m not trying to. Would I tell you I’m worried about you if I am, YES, would I tell you what I think I would do in a certain situation, definitely, but I would NEVER ever tell you what you should do. I don’t know why you do the things you do and what it brings you and brought you to that point, so who am I to judge it or want to change it. I might ask why you made a choice like that, but just for me to try to understand or see where you came from, not so I can start telling you it’s wrong.

Does all of this mean I won’t think about people and all the thoughts I have about people are good thoughts? No, it just means if I think about someone in a certain way, I keep it to myself. They way I see someone is based on my relationship with that person and the energy between us and what is in the past, it doesn’t have anything to do with you so why would I try and put my thoughts about that person on you so you can form an opinion about someone based on what has happend to me? You should try and from your own opinion about someone based on your experiences with that person. And you can change that too. The fact that you don’t like someone now or that you have had a bad experience with someone doesn’t mean that you have to keep that point of view. If you change the way you feel about someone and try and look at it from a different perspective you can change the relationship and have good experiences with that person. You never know why someone is doing something. Someone might accidentally have hurt you because they where in a bad mood or something bad happend to them. Doesn’t mean they meant to hurt you and maybe they don’t even know they did. If you keep holding on to the one instance something bad happend, you will never ever be able to change it to what might become a great relationship.

What I would like in this brand new year is that people would stop looking at other people so much and just experience their own life to the fullest. Why would you want to make fun of someone else and how they look and what they do? Would you like it if someone would make fun of you? NO you wouldn’t. For me that is intentionally hurting people and if you want to do that in my company, you can leave it. If you talk bad about someone in front of me and try to make me go along, keep moving, cause I’m not having it. Be nice to people, be kind, act out of love, share good experiences, ask for help if you need it, try and look at different perspectives, see the good in life and in people and things. I know we’ve been raised with looking at things that aren’t good, but if you look at all the good in life, you can change yours, you can make it better, even if you have bad days.

I would also like to see people try and talk more about how they see things from their own perspective and not like it is like the way they see it. For instance when people say “that is a bad movie or a bad idea, or that person is a bad person”, I would like to see/ hear them say “I think ……. ” and maybe with an explanation or maybe not, maybe depending on the situation. And if people speak from themselves they can maybe open doors into another persons life or at least see where someone’s coming from.

Anyway I think I’ve gotten everything out that I held on to 😉

Go with love, go with life, go with happiness.

Much ❤

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Things change and so do dreams

Ever since I got back from my Ayahuasca trip my mind and body have been in movement. I’ve been more in touch with what my body wants and how it works, when there is tension and how I feel. My mind has been asking me a lot of questions and I have been thinking a lot about my life and how I want it to be. There’s been emotion ups and downs and I guess that’s normal, but sometimes I analyse too much about what’s going on and what I think I should do or how other people might think about how I live my life. I’ve learned that the way I cope with things and can get some perspective is to write it down so here it goes.

I’m tired off feeling like I have to explain why I do the things I do or don’t do things that others might expect me to do. Mainly I’m tired of trying to explain all this crap to myself and doubting myself. And thinking about what others might think about how I live my life. What do I want my life to become? I am not sure, not in the big scheme that is. I know what I want from life, but I don’t have big dreams. That’s probably what might bother me most is that I feel like I have to create this huge life for myself. I don’t know where that comes from, but I also sorta know I don’t have to create that even though my mind tricks me into believing that sometimes.

Even when writing these blogs I think about what others might think, if I hurt people by sharing my thoughts and feelings or how others might change their opinion about me. I have to remind myself that if I speak my truth I can’t hurt anybody, cause this is me and what’s going on in my head and heart. If people’s opinion me change for the better that’s fine, if they don’t and change for the worst that’s totally fine too, cause once again it ain’t about them, it’s about me. This is me and you either accept it or you don’t.

I’ve listened and watched a lot of interviews with an incredible actor and he believes that if you really, for 100%, know what you want and are passionate about it that the universe will show you the way. Without you needing to know what to do, the path will show itself.
That’s what I believe in too. The only thing is, is that I am not sure about what it is that I really want. I also know life is about the flow of it and thinking too much can ruin it and having fun is important, I just think I somehow lost that…. I want to go back to doing fun things and just be. Trying to live in the moment is something I started to do a while back and at the times I’m completely in the moment it’s amazing and that gives me so much ease and peace. It takes practice to set those intentions and that is something I have to let go off. The constant need to be in control and to want to do things instantly without them taking time.

Ever since I’ve was little I knew I wanted to move to the US to live there. Last year on my trip to Austin I had this realization that I don’t have to move to be happy. That I can live wherever I want and as long as I am me, and I like being me, it don’t matter where I live. The last 10 years whenever I’ve been on a vacation it was either the US or the UK and basically my vacation was visiting my friends who are my family. As I’m sitting here in Austin on this vacation I feel like this US period might come to an end. I love the family I’ve created that is scattered all over the US and I do love to hang out with them but I think it’s time to get in another direction with my vacations.

I love that wherever I go feels like home, cause that means I’m surrounded by good people and am content with myself and my surroundings. And as much as I enjoy being here now and it feels like home, it’s exactly that, it feels like home. Like things I need to do, I have to take care of the cat and the cars. And that’s okay cause that’s what the arrangement is, but still. Today I was thinking that I miss camping or just being in a beach house somewhere just to be, without having to do anything. I felt a bit sad thinking about this cause if I’m not coming over to the US I won’t be able to see and hang out with all these incredible people anymore. But even though I won’t be able to spend this time with them that don’t mean our connection will be lost. Maybe the part of me what knows how hard it is for them to come over and stay with me that that’s the reason I come over and spend time with them and whenever I come here I try to see as many people as I can. And until now that has been good for me, but it’s time for something new and different. I think it’s time for me to let go of my need to always come over here and have to see all these people.

Now I feel like taking that time off and just go wherever. Not necessarily the US but just to have time for myself. That’s not to say I won’t travel back to the US, cause I probably will and a bunch of times, but it means I’m going to take time for myself and what I feel like I need to do or want to do and not having that constant pull of “I need to see this or that person cause I haven’t seen them in so long”.

As hard this is for me to realize I think this is what I need to do. I set the intention during my Ayahuasca journey to let go of control and I’ve spend so much time controlling all the US adventures that I haven’t had space for other incredible things that I could invest my time and energy in.

I’m excited to see what space I’ve opened up by realizing this and what comes next. For now I’m going to enjoy the next 16 days in Austin and later this year an incredible wedding in Arizona. After that I’m going to figure out what’s going to be next in regards to traveling.

Some more Sons of Anarchy

What is it with th  is damn TV show?

I know, I know, I know, I just wrote about Sons of Anarchy a few weeks ago and now there’s another. Why? Because I have to write it, I can’t keep this inside, cause it keeps my mind too busy and I can’t think or feel anything else but this show, these characters, these bonds, this love and hurt. So my only option is to write it down. I don’t know if it’s redundant, but I don’t really care, cause I need to get it out.

The hurt

I think the thing that gets me the most is that it’s about forgiveness and about love. There’s so much stuff going on, so much betrayal, so much hate, so much deception and so much fear about losing the people they think they own. There’s backstabbing, there’s lying and controlling others, there’s “you can’t win because I am better” and “you can’t have that/ that person cause they/it belong(s) to me and me only” that sometimes it overwhelms me how people can be so cruel and intentionally try to hurt other people.

The “I hurt you because you hurt me” and the “look at all that I’ve done for you so you need to do this for me or……” are too common on this show and I wish there was less of that going on. I somewhat understand why they make the choices they make and where that hurt comes from, but I feel bad for them that they can’t seem to find another way to fix whatever it is that’s broken or hurt. I strongly believe the lack of love for themselves is one of the reasons there’s so much hurt or so much needed of possession that it breaks my heart for most of them.

To have such a bad history in your family that the only way out you feel like is to do some horrible things that take away parts of your humanity. And then little by little by the one you love giving you back some parts of what you used to have you get it back. To not being able to talk to each other anymore when you used to tell each other everything.

The way some of those people use people and play with their lives like it is a game and don’t care about the consequences for those people is something I don’t think I will ever be able to understand.

Also the jumping to conclusions man! People know half of the truth and create a story around it. They see something and jump to conclusions before they even know what’s really going on. That’s why most of the people get hurt. Maybe that’s why most people in life get hurt, because they either don’t know the whole story or listen to others telling them a story they don’t know the truth about. There is so much judgement and assumption around that sometimes it’s really hard to see what’s really going on. Maybe we want to hear that particular story to make us feel how we need to feel. Maybe we choose to listen to someone while we don’t really believe them or want to believe them but don’t know where to look for to find the real truth.

The love

There’s a lot of collateral damage and unintentional hurting of others but besides all that and all that hurt and basically people lacking love there is much love in this show. There’s a brotherhood, there’s a deep love between Jax and Tara, there’s trying to be good and trying to do the right think cause you want to do better. The love between the brothers in the MC is incredible. It didn’t start out like it, but around S4/ 5 it becomes more and more clear how much they all love each other. Not that in the earlier seasons that didn’t exist but it was different.

Because of all the incredibly hard choices that have to be made and all the horrible things people feel like they have to do there’s a lot of forgiving. Understanding why people have to do certain things and forgiving them for them. To feel like you have to do horrible things to protect the people that you love and forgiving them when they feel like they see no other way.

Accepting kindness and being grateful for it while turning into something or someone you would rather not become keeps you from totally losing yourself into the darkness.

Jax and Tara have an incredible bond and such an incredible love that it’s inspiring. How it all ended broke my heart, it still breaks my heart thinking about all the things that happened to them and how they tried over and over again to make a right decision, to get out of the live, but also to love each other so deeply that it hurts and you want to do right by the other, to want to stay with each other even though you know something awful might happen. To be so honest to each other that you know every single detail, all the bad and all the good and still stand by each other and that it doesn’t matter. All the little things they do, the looks, the hugs, the honesty, the touches as little as they are, mean so much. And that even though in the end they had such an incredible hard time they still let their love for each other win. Jax making the sacrifice to give himself up so that Tara and their boys could be safe and out of trouble. It makes it feel real and something to aim for.

To have a group of people you spend time with daily who love you so much is something I wish I had. I have a lot of love in my live, I have so many friends/ family scattered over the NL, UK and US and I love them dearly but I wish I had them all closer. To have a clubhouse we’d hang out after work or whenever and could sleep there if we wanted it too. To have gatherings, parties and just plain fun with the people I love the most. I should try and figure out how to accomplish something like that and to set up such a community will be something I’m really going to think about and set my mind to.

For now it’s time to let this show go. Let the characters go, give them a place in my heart and move on. It’s been an emotional ride for a few weeks and even though it hurt like hell, I’m so glad I found Jax and was a part of his journey.

Me and two weeks with the Charming m.c.

Oh man, what a ride it’s been these last couple of weeks.

This show about a Charming motorcycle club got it’s hooks into me like no other show has ever done. Never ever have I felt this much watching a show, not even Supernatural. This show has spun me upside down and tore my heart open. It’s been brutal, it’s been heart shredding but over all it’s been real. It felt real and that’s because of the incredible cast and crew. I’ll be forever grateful for them to create this.

As many of you know I love watching movies and TV shows. I love the characters and I connect with them, I learn form them and I grow tremendously while following them. With some characters there’s this bond that is so tight from the get go that I don’t know where it came from or how it happened. I’ve learned to trust these characters come in my life when I need them. There are also times that when I’m just doing my thing I feel and act like them, like I am them and even though I know I am not I feel me being them.

  

Sons of Anarchy is a series about Jax (Jackson) Teller being part of the motor cycle club Sons of Anarchy in a small town called Charming, California. The show is 7 seasons with 13 episodes (varying from 42 – 70+ minutes). I came across it a couple of weeks ago and the moment I started it got me. I watched it when I could and I was done exactly 2 weeks later. And it left me incredibly sad. These pivotal moments of the show left me literally crying and shaking and it’s been an experience to say the least.

The show is about an mc, drugs, guns and porn. It’s about family, bond, friendship, pain, strength, loss, fear, lies, betrayal, mc code and most of all about love. The love of a man who loves his club and his family so much and seeing it go down hill while he can’t do anything about it.

This is a thank you to Jax Teller, an incredible man with a huge heart who’s always tried to do the right thing.

Thank you Jax, you thought me how to cry again and how to feel again without stuffing it down. I owned it and I sat with all the hurt and that’s been new. As painful as it was, it was incredible all the same.

You showed me the struggle of wanting to do the right thing and trying to the best you can. You wanted to fix something that was already so broken even before you had a part in it. You thought me what it meant to be in a club with a code to unimaginable it’s still hard to wrap my head around. Being pulled into so many directions by the people in your life who all want something different for you. Who all claim to love you but all have different agendas.

You showed me a world I’d never given much thought about and made it real. The love you have for SAMCROW and what you believe it should stand for, where it should’ve gone back too but never quite got there. The love you have for the boys, your boys, your family and the way they all loved you. I’ve never seen so many hugs and “I love you”s in a show or even in real life. It’s inspiring and more people should be able to show that to others. The way you choose to forgive where you can and the hardship of “having to execute” the code is something I don’t know I’ll ever understand.

Your pain, your struggle and your love felt so real and all the crap you went through to try and make it better still breaks my heart. I’m so sorry this was your life, a life full of extremes, full of things that shouldn’t be normal. You might’ve not been able to be a good outlaw and a good father at the same time, but you are a good man, you’ve always been and always will be.

Thank you Jax Teller for changing and being part of my life, it’s going to be very hard letting you go. I love you deeply and will miss you terribly.

Oh sweet mother Ayahuasca

Sweet might be not the exact taste of you, you tasted more like wood and that’s because you come from plants/ vines so that’s understandable 😉

You send me to the darkest corner of my being, my pain, my hurt, my control, and you let me let it go. So thank you for letting me be able to go through it!

Ayahuasca

Ayahuasca is what they call a plant medicine. It’s also known as a hallucinogen/ psychedelic. What I’ve heard about it before I got to know it wasn’t much. I know someone who went to a retreat and had ceremonies for days. That was rough and she told me she think she died there and was reborn. She also had a lot of questions she wanted to get answered and she did.

The information I got after I signed up I read and told me to set a clear intention, go on a dieta (to clean my body before going onto this journey) and be prepared for my mind to be expanded, like all hallucinogen do.

We were told momma Ayahuasca only gives you what you need, ask for and what you can handle.

My experience with this incredible plant

There where two sessions planned on that day and we didn’t have to do them both if we didn’t want to. I was with another girl who wanted some answers about her past. My intention however was “With an open heart I want to let go of control and release everything that doesn’t serve me”. Be careful what you wish for! Cause I got it, not during the first session though but in the end, I got what I wanted and I’m so grateful I did this.

First session: We took it and it takes about 20-30 minutes for it to work. For me it didn’t. I felt my body going into deep rest, like a deep meditation, but my mind was still racing. I know now that that’s because thinking is my safety net and I obviously knew something big was going to happen which I (my ego) didn’t want. After about 45 minutes I got another shot but that didn’t work either. I just started to lay down and felt like going to sleep. I didn’t fall asleep but I got a bit more relaxed and at one point I heard a ringing in my ears. I know that sound, I hear that when I meditatie too and I know it’s either the sound of my soul or the sound of the universe. It was really loud and I, also, know now that it wanted me to listen and let go but at that point I still wasn’t ready.

After a huge giggle we both went into the second session and after taking the drink I laid down on the bed and I think the moment I closed my eyes it hit me. It hit me hard!

I thought I started to feel sick so I needed to sit up. The only way I could sit was in meditation pose. Luckily there where buckets available just in case we needed to throw up. The moment I sat up I pulled that bucked into my lap and had it there the whole time. Used it as a sort of pillow too, it was really comfy 🙂

I had to close my eyes cause if I opened them the only thing I could see was a distorted reality, everything was out of it’s normal boundaries and it freaked me out. It was not pleasant to have my eyes closed, cause inside was hard, really, really hard, but I know I needed to be there, just there and trust it was okay to be there.

In my journey there was a movie loop going on in my head. I don’t know exactly what it was but I do remember pieces of being on my own couch (which I wasn’t) and thinking about how much pain I’d have in my legs after sitting like that for so long. Right after that thought there was “Legs, what are legs? What are arms, what is water, what is air” and than I heard a weird sound which later I realised was my own breath. Than I heard someone (I think the other girl) stand up and ran to the bathroom where she was followed by our ‘mentor’. I heard some laughing and I got to thinking “It doesn’t matter cause it’s nice here with my bucket”  and than I laughed, took a deep breath and tried to relax in that moment. And that’s when the whole thing repeated itself again, and again, and again until I realised there was a loop going on. There was one difference during this whole loop though and that was the music. The music in the background was different and the moment I realised that I thought I could relax a bit more. The moment I felt I got out of it and smiled and relaxed a bit more I hit a deeper level. And again, and again, and again until at one point I knew it was too much. I said “This is too much, there is so much” and I knew it was about pain, pain and hurt. The moment I said that I also knew I had to go through it. I knew I would only get what I could handle and this too would pass. And it did. It got worse, really worse, but I also got through that.

Underneath all that though I felt some kind of peace. I think that might’ve been my open heart.

At one point I had to laugh at myself. “Just look at you, what have you gotten yourself into” thoughts came over me, while sitting in meditation pose with a bucket which I used as a pillow 🙂

And than at one point I was out. Just like I fell in, I got out and that was it. It was out, and it felt amazing! All the tension I had stored in my body over all those years, was gone, just gone, just like that. I had to go deep and I had to let go of control, but I did and it was worth it all!

What has it brought me?

I feel lighter, my body is free, free of tension, tension I didn’t knew I’ve built through my whole body. I never been able to feel my belly, to get in touch with it and to feel it while doing any meditation excersices. This has changed. I can feel it now and that’s huge! Also I feel more fluid for some reason. I have to learn to know my body again, I have to learn when I need food, when do I need food and when is it something else that I need. Is it a craving cause something happened or is it because my body really needs fuel? So I keep asking myself these questions and it helps me.

I’m also a lot more comfortable around other people. I used to always think about what they might think of me, that’s totally gone. I’m me and I really like being me and I feel like I’m finally able to be okay with that. I love what I love and some people might think I shouldn’t cause of various reasons, but that’s on them, it has nothing to do with me, it has to do with their truth and this is mine.

 

People commented on my that my eyes are brighter and that my energy field is a lot bigger and stronger than before. I take my place in the world now and I own my space and I don’t even know I’m doing this. It’s not intentional, I think it’s just my natural state of being, but it’s nice to have this pointed out by people.

I notice my jaws are relaxed, even after these couple of weeks. This also makes me think about where tension, pain and hurt is stored. I think my belly/ stomach was full pretty early on and than it went to the rest of my body, legs, than back (or the other way around) and lately my arm, which is totally disappeared as well. I’m more conscious about my body and need to re-align with myself and my energy field. I feel other peoples energy more now and also what that does to me. It is really amazing to realise that, although now I have to learn how to pull up my own shield again for it not to hurt or affect me.

I have been thinking about that constant loop during my journey and I know what that is. There’s so much going on in my mind and I realised I replay a lot, over and over and over again. I don’t need that and I am learning to stop these thoughts and replace them by either silence or things I want to think about.

The only drug I ever took was MDMA a couple of months back. That didn’t really do much, cause I had such pain in my stomach. Now I know I wasn’t ready for that, I wasn’t ready to open up that pandora’s box of hurt, pain, sadness.

What’s incredible is that the other girl I was with had such a different experience, she really went on a journey and got her answers to her questions. I never asked for answers I just needed to release control and emotions. And that’s what makes this so amazing. Everybody get’s what they ask for and only what they can handle.

And now it’s time I’m:

❤ to each and every one of you

End of a trip; start of a new beginning

Wow! These last four weeks have flown by. This trip to Austin has opened my eyes, I found something I didn’t even know I was looking for (even though I knew I’d find something, this trip was meant for something).

First of all I love this city, it’s an amazing city and even though I am not planning on moving soon, if opportunity comes this city will be at the top of my list. I love the nature, I love the openness, I love the acceptance of people, I love live music, I love that there’s so much to do, I love the weather, I love how it feels spacious, I love the people that I’ve met.

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What I’ve learned is, and maybe you’ve read it in my previous post, that as long as I stay who I am, love what I do and accept myself for who I am, I can live everywhere I want. I don’t need the states (anymore) to find myself, I found myself and I like being me. I like the person who I am and who I aim to be. I found love, love in myself, love in new found friendships, love for an incredible city.  I learned it was totally okay to do absolutely nothing when I didn’t feel like doing anything and I learned to accept others to take care of me. People kept buying me food and the friends who’s house I took care of took incredibly care of me when they were around.

I also learned that even though I really didn’t mind dog sitting, I don’t speak dog 🙂 Kids I can understand if they keep yelling/ crying cause they have facial expressions, the dogs didn’t so after feeding them, petting them and giving them treats I didn’t know what they wanted. Which is totally okay, but it could be a bit frustrating not knowing what to do.

Something else I figured out about myself is that I can pinpoint people who I connect with right away. I get this feeling and I know this person is going to be my friend. There’s this energy, or attraction to certain people who I instantly connect with. Also those people trust me instantly and it is amazing. I can tell them anything and they can tell me anything too.

Overall this was an incredible trip. I knew I was going to find something, but I didn’t know exactly what it was, except for the cowboy boots 😛

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Thanks to everyone who supports me and I can call my family, blood related or otherwise. I know I got to this point all by myself, but it’s incredible how much support I have in my life.

 

Feeling lost, epiphanies and letting go

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This quote is so appropriate for me right now. I think I just let go of something I didn’t know I was clinging on to so much.

I’ve always had this feeling that I was meant to live in the US. I’ve been to the states a whole lot and it feels good being here. For some reason I always thought it was more spacey, it feels more roomy and yes I feel at home here. I never knew where that feeling came from, and it doesn’t really matter anyways, cause it is what it is. I had this strong urge to move here and I made a decision to do this about two years ago. I haven’t made any plans but last year this feeling about Austin came across and now I’m here. I haven’t moved, I am here on vacation and I’m halfway on my trip. I’ve done some things, explored a bit, made some friends (yay 😀 ), created a Austin Pro list, but I’ve also felt lost and very confused. It was hard and scary to get out of the house even just to go for a walk or to the lake to check it out.

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I know that’s okay and I should just do what I want, even if that’s just relaxing on the couch watching movies or hanging around in the hammock. Being on vacation doesn’t mean I have to plan my whole day, but I’ve wrote about that in my previous post.

Today I told my friend about that, she’s in a retreat right now and doesn’t really have time or isn’t supposed to reach out, but she just send me a message. A message she’s thinking about me and when I told her I felt lost she said “You’ll find your way” and I know that’s true. I am also very very grateful that she send me that message, I think it was part of a little chain reaction. Almost right after I had a thought and maybe even an epiphany.

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I think the lesson that I am learning is that it doesn’t matter where I live as long as I do whatever I want and love to do. Maybe this “I want to live in the US” goes back to before I was born into this world, maybe I got yanked out from a previous life and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it ever since. It might even predate me or maybe it was because I’ve never felt at home in Holland. It doesn’t really matter why, all it matters is that it was and now it’s not anymore. I have amazing people all over the world, I have family and friends in Holland and a good job which allows me to travel a lot. I appreciate that so much.

It feels totally okay not to know where I’m going now, I can be wherever and feel like me, I don’t feel I am a better person when I’m in de US, I don’t need to be accepted by everyone, cause the only person that matters is me and me accepting myself. And I’m accepting me, I am accepting and appreciating who I am, how I am, how I treat people, what I have, what I give, what I share and what I am becoming. And that is the truth and for me that’s all that matters.

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It doesn’t mean I can’t live here in the states or that I have to leave Holland, it also doesn’t mean I will never make this move, it means I am going to focus on finding out what’s making my spark light up and finding my way, while I keep traveling whenever I can 🙂

❤ always,

Me