Things change and so do dreams

Ever since I got back from my Ayahuasca trip my mind and body have been in movement. I’ve been more in touch with what my body wants and how it works, when there is tension and how I feel. My mind has been asking me a lot of questions and I have been thinking a lot about my life and how I want it to be. There’s been emotion ups and downs and I guess that’s normal, but sometimes I analyse too much about what’s going on and what I think I should do or how other people might think about how I live my life. I’ve learned that the way I cope with things and can get some perspective is to write it down so here it goes.

I’m tired off feeling like I have to explain why I do the things I do or don’t do things that others might expect me to do. Mainly I’m tired of trying to explain all this crap to myself and doubting myself. And thinking about what others might think about how I live my life. What do I want my life to become? I am not sure, not in the big scheme that is. I know what I want from life, but I don’t have big dreams.Β That’s probably what might bother me most is that I feel like I have to create this huge life for myself. I don’t know where that comes from, but I also sorta know I don’t have to create that even though my mind tricks me into believing that sometimes.

Even when writing these blogs I think about what others might think, if I hurt people by sharing my thoughts and feelings or how others might change their opinion about me. I have to remind myself that if I speak my truth I can’t hurt anybody, cause this is me and what’s going on in my head and heart. If people’s opinion me change for the better that’s fine, if they don’t and change for the worst that’s totally fine too, cause once again it ain’t about them, it’s about me. This is me and you either accept it or you don’t.

I’ve listened and watched a lot of interviews with an incredible actor and he believes that if you really, for 100%, know what you want and are passionate about it that the universe will show you the way. Without you needing to know what to do, the path will show itself.
That’s what I believe in too. The only thing is, is that I am not sure about what it is that I really want.Β I also know life is about the flow of it and thinking too much can ruin it and having fun is important, I just think I somehow lost that…. I want to go back to doing fun things and just be. Trying to live in the moment is something I started to do a while back and at the times I’m completely in the moment it’s amazing and that gives me so much ease and peace. It takes practice to set those intentions and that is something I have to let go off. The constant need to be in control and to want to do things instantly without them taking time.

Ever since I’ve was little I knew I wanted to move to the US to live there. Last year on my trip to Austin I had this realization that I don’t have to move to be happy. That I can live wherever I want and as long as I am me, and I like being me, it don’t matter where I live. The last 10 years whenever I’ve been on a vacation it was either the US or the UK and basically my vacation was visiting my friends who are my family. As I’m sitting here in Austin on this vacation I feel like this US period might come to an end. I love the family I’ve created that is scattered all over the US and I do love to hang out with them but I think it’s time to get in another direction with my vacations.

I love that wherever I go feels like home, cause that means I’m surrounded by good people and am content with myself and my surroundings. And as much as I enjoy being here now and it feels like home, it’s exactly that, it feels like home. Like things I need to do, I have to take care of the cat and the cars. And that’s okay cause that’s what the arrangement is, but still. Today I was thinking that I miss camping or just being in a beach house somewhere just to be, without having to do anything. I felt a bit sad thinking about this cause if I’m not coming over to the US I won’t be able to see and hang out with all these incredible people anymore. But even though I won’t be able to spend this time with them that don’t mean our connection will be lost. Maybe the part of me what knows how hard it is for them to come over and stay with me that that’s the reason I come over and spend time with them and whenever I come here I try to see as many people as I can. And until now that has been good for me, but it’s time for something new and different. I think it’s time for me to let go of my need to always come over here and have to see all these people.

Now I feel like taking that time off and just go wherever. Not necessarily the US but just to have time for myself. That’s not to say I won’t travel back to the US, cause I probably will and a bunch of times, but it means I’m going to take time for myself and what I feel like I need to do or want to do and not having that constant pull of “I need to see this or that person cause I haven’t seen them in so long”.

As hard this is for me to realize I think this is what I need to do. I set the intention during my Ayahuasca journey to let go of control and I’ve spend so much time controlling all the US adventures that I haven’t had space for other incredible things that I could invest my time and energy in.

I’m excited to see what space I’ve opened up by realizing this and what comes next. For now I’m going to enjoy the next 16 days in Austin and later this year an incredible wedding in Arizona. After that I’m going to figure out what’s going to be next in regards to traveling.

❀

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Dreams last week

A couple of things I dreamed last week, but don’t know when and how it ended/ started:

– My mom was looking for a good vain in my left arm. I don’t know if it was to take blood or to put some medicin in it. It feels like it was the first one. My vains are pretty on top in my arms so there shouldn’t be any difficulty to find a good one. I remember my mom reaching one (and pulling her index finger under it) and was wondering if that was a good one or a muscle. There wasn’t any thing to cut of the blood supply on my arm, but I knew we were in a hurry. I remember it was urgent, so it must have been that I was giving blood.

– There was a dream about a Tattoo on my right wrist. I found a picture for it, but it was too big. I want a small one on my wrist but the picture I found was round and very big. I remember there was an older guy wanted to set it, but I wasn’t convinced that I should. I don’t believe I did it.

The first one makes me feel more sure about helping people. I really felt the need to give the blood to someone in need so I did. The later one tells me that I want that tattoo on my right wrist. I’m not sure what it’s going to be, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be there someday, probably sooner than later and it’s going to be small. I also think that I’m going to draw it myself or pick it out and adjust to my liking, just as the one I have on my shoulder. I always thought it was going to be on my left wrist though and my dream showed my right. So I’m not sure which one it’ll be, but I know I’ll figure it out eventually πŸ˜‰

I wish I could remember more but I’m convinced that I remember the best parts and the parts that I should remember.

Any who that’s what I just remembered and wanted to write down.

Feelings while dreaming

Have you ever had a dream with a lot of feelings and when waking you still feel that for a while?

I dream a lot and I also remember most of them. Some I share here, others are too private to share.
I have a lot of weird dreams and dreams I can place, where we process the things happening to us during the day.
There are also some dreams with an intense sense of feeling. When that happends I mostly have that feeling stuck with me for a while and it’ll take me a while to let go of that feeling.
I love when that happends though, although I wish sometimes it was real. Most of those feelingy dreams with me are where I help people. I feel that they need something, words or a kind gesture or even a hug or a little touch. It gives me joy when I’m able to do that.

It might be a sign that I have to open op and try to look for that in my daily life…… Food for thought….