The last few days I’ve had a little of a rough patch. A constant overthinking, analyzing, fighting against some things I didn’t want to experience. It was tiring and now that I am “out” of that rabbit hole, I feel the need to write it down and reflect.
One of the realizations I had was that I keep fighting some of the fears I have, I don’t love and accept myself unconditionally. It was a aha moment that was very welcoming 😊
What is it that we (or in this case me) are not able to completely and utterly love and accept ourselves. Is it because we keep being bombarded with all the things we need to do or have before we can be happy, healthy, smart and beautiful? Or is it something we have been slowly and surely imprinted with from the moment we’ve arrived on this planet? Or does go back even more, to our parents or ancestors or previous lives?
I know everyone has trauma and it’s up to each and everyone of us to see it, heal it, shift it or live with it as they see fit. For me I love to dive deep and see what else comes up and what other things can be released. My toolbox of all different kinds of tools is spread wide and I love to experience all the different tools that are out there. It used to be because I thought: “well if I have done that, than I’m complete” and then I’ve found another and another and, yep, another. I few years ago I finally had the insight that I AM COMPLETE already, I AM PERFECT the way I am. Yes there’s always things I can shift, heal and look at. That doesn’t mean I’m not good as I am right now, I cannot be anyone and anything else in THIS MOMENT than this. So rationally I can say all of that.
That being said; why is that I am not able (yet) to love and accept all of those things about me that I would like to release, shift, heal? That is an interesting question. And maybe because I don’t love and accept myself unconditionally, I cannot love and accept others conditionally.
The moment I tune into the present moment, take a breath, feel my body and check in, there’s nothing wrong, it’s all good. However when that thing in my head starts rambling all kinds of thoughts and starts all these programs, that moment is gone. I know I have a good set of brains, I love to think about things, I love to analyze, it’s even stated in my Human Design. That doesn’t mean I have to think about everything, have to analyze each and every thought or idea that comes up in my mind, that’s exhausting (I know!).
So what can I do to start loving and accepting myself unconditionally? I don’t know, I do believe that I’ve already took the first step: awareness. I know it, I don’t feel bad or sad about it and I also know it’ll work itself out. Maybe that is acceptance and (self)-love…….
Looking at my life right now I feel I’ve done a lot of things “wrong” or not right. And that made me think of what is right? I did what I did when I did it. I can’t turn back and do it all over again, well I could probably somehow but that’s another topic of conversation, cause then I wouldn’t be where I am right now and have the life that I have in this moment.
There are things that I want and that I wish were different and there’s also a lot of things I do have that I am not enjoying and appreciating as much as I could. I work 4 days (7 hours a day) a week from home, have an amazing team and wonderful co-workers, I have a good set of brains, my body works incredible, I have ways to get around and to get to places. I don’t own a car, however I get to use my parents’ when I need or want to. I live in a good neighborhood, with trees and water and greens. My apartment is big enough for me and for what I use it for, I have loads of plants, a great and big balcony, a beautiful bedroom, 2 storage places, 2 bikes, all the amenities I like (except a bath). I get to use the bath at my folks if I choose to too. My neighbors are kind, I have beautiful connections with my friends and their kids, my nephews and niece and I get along with my family well.
All the incredible friends around this earth is something I truly and deeply feel grateful for. The travel I get to do, the different experience I get to have with each and every one of them and even by myself is amazing. The way I get and do what I want is a huge strength and my iron will power and courage helps me along the way. The fact that I don’t always know what I want (and lately that’s a lot) makes it interesting and not always pleasant in my head. Have been thought “You need a goal in life and work towards it”, “You need to make a good amount of money and career”, “Dreams don’t come true unless you give it everything you have” and you have to know what you want has not been easy. I, often times, do not what I want, that’s not how my energetic system and energy works. I get to see, read or hear things that the universe puts in my path and I either resonate with that or I don’t. And if I resonate with that, even if it seems scary, I take action. Just like this writing, I felt I had to write what was on my mind and in my heart and so I started. I had no idea what would come out of it and if it would be something that I could or would share.
The way that I never felt I belonged with my family, and even my friends, doesn’t take away the fact that I am in good standing with any of them and that we are there for each other no matter what.
Love is a tricky thing in my mind and in my life. I find it a challenge to tell people I love them, I haven’t been thought to say it. I do say it to some of my friends, because I really believe that I do love them. I just don’t know how it feels. When I say it I get this feeling that makes my mind wonder “is this true or is it not?”. Love other people give me, in their kindness, in their way of being there for me, is something I’ve been practicing to accept. Wondering “what did I do to deserve this” makes the space around my heart heat up and I’m in awe of that kindness. I’m slowly but surely accepting other peoples kindness without thinking I have to do something in return.
As I said to my friend the other day “In this moment you are perfect” and I truly believe that. I have a beautiful habit of learning and unlearning, of taking in knowledge and tools to help me shift, change and heal that I don’t always truly feel that in this moment I am perfect too. Just like everyone else. I cannot be anyone else in this moment than who I am right now, so why the need to kick against it? Why not embrace the fact that Yes there are things I want to experience, there are certainly things I want to explore more in my inner world, shift when and if the time comes to release that tension AND that this is perfect right now.
Everybody lives their life the way they do, there’s no good way or bad way to do that. This is the path I am on and the way I got here is what it is. I get to make a decision that suits me every single moment of every single day and that is kind of wonderful is it? I get to make the decision to feel what I feel, to act how I act, to do what I do and to be if I choose to be. I can make a decision to change the way I feel and what I do in this moment too. I can bury what I don’t want to feel and I can decide to fully and truly embrace this emotion so it can move through me and away or I embrace it when it wants to stay.
I am not my thoughts, nor my emotions, these are experiences of this body. This life I have chosen to be here on this earth to experience what is in the now and to enjoy all of it. To not think about what others might think of me or what I do, that’s not up to me, that’s up to them. The way I see others comes solely from my perspective on them, that doesn’t mean I know them. I only know the parts of them that I get see and hear. As tuned into them I might be and can sense what they might feel at a moment, I am not experiencing their life as I don’t know what it’s like to be that person in that life. So there’s no need to judge what they are doing as I don’t know what I would do if I have lived their life and be in that particular situation. Do I have thoughts about specific subjects, of course I do. Do I like to share them? Obviously 😉 However I can only share them from my experience, if someone is open to hearing them.
Lang heb ik getwijfeld om mijn waarheid te delen en om te delen wat ik zie. Nu voelt het moment om dat toch te doen goed. Bij dit schrijven sta ik tevens op voor de waarheid, eerlijkheid, (keuze)vrijheid, vrijheid van kritisch mogen zijn en voor een angstvrije en liefdevolle verbonden samenleving. Een samenleving waarin we mogen zijn wie we zijn en ons mogen uiten op een manier waarop dat goed voelt voor en ieder.
Voor diegene die nog steeds voor de volle 100% achter de mainstream media = de politiek = Mark en Hugo = the World Health Organisation = het World Economic Forum staat, sla deze blog over en doe lekker je ding, je zult er niets aan hebben. Ik schrijf dit niet om mensen te overtuigen, die macht heb ik gelukkig niet. Iedereen heeft zijn eigen waarheid.
Ik schrijf dit 1. voor mijzelf om een keer op papier te zetten wat er al enige tijd in mijn hoofd zit en 2. voor diegenen die twijfelen en voelen dat er iets niet (helemaal) klopt, maar nog niet weten wat dat precies is. Voor deze mensen heb ik een grote lijst van punten toegevoegd waaraan je wellicht iets hebt. Tevens heb ik een aantal filmpjes toegevoegd van de enige partij die in je kamer vragen stelt. Hierbij gaat het over de INHOUD en is dit niet mijn bedoeling om je te overtuigen van een bepaalde politieke partij.
Allereerst: er zijn ongelofelijk veel Nederlanders het niet eens met de maatregelen. En niet alleen Nederlanders, maar miljoenen mensen wereldwijd staan op. Zij hebben zelf, na eigen onderzoek, geconcludeerd dat er zaken niet kloppen en dat de maatregelen totaal geen zin meer hebben. Zij/ wij strijden voor onze afgenomen vrijheden. Dit doen we allemaal op onze eigen manier, dit is er een van mij. Als je denkt dat jij de enige bent die er anders over denkt, dan heb je het gelukkig verkeerd want je bent NIET ALLEEN!
Volg je intuïtie, die heeft het namelijk nooit verkeerd! Maak keuzes vanuit je HART en NIET vanuit angst of chantage. Chantage zoals: ik neem het “vaccin” omdat ik dan weer lekker uit kan, kan reizen en de verwachting dat de maatregelen dan eindelijk teruggedraaid worden. De maatregelen zullen namelijk niet verdwijnen, ook niet als iedereen zich gevaccineerd heeft.
Dingetjes over het spuitje waar de overheid zo ontzettend veel op aanstuurt:
Deze spuit zal er NIET voor zorgen dat je niet besmettelijk bent voor anderen als je een vorm van COVID krijgt
Deze spuit zal er niet voor zorgen dat je niet ziek wordt
Van deze spuit zijn nog lang geen lange termijn gevolgen bekend
Er is inmiddels al wel een hele waslijst met bijwerken te vinden (50000+ meldingen)
Het aantal doden wat valt na deze spuit wordt nu verscholen onder “onderliggend lijden/ ziektes”, terwijl het aantal bezweken COVID patiënten andersom worden gemeten en juist onderliggend lijden wordt geteld als COVID-19 dode. Wanneer daar kritische vragen over gesteld worden is dat niet de bedoeling (zie filmpje hieronder)
Naast al dit heerlijke gedoe om de spuit is ook het volgende erg opvallend:
Mensen met een kritisch geluid worden gecensureerd
Maurice de Hond
Artsen en juristen
BNRs en politici
Normale burgers die hun bezorgdheid uiten op social media
Alle maatregelen zijn ingevoerd onder het mom van het verbeteren van de volksgezondheid maar:
Waarom zijn sigaretten en alcohol nog volop te koop?
Waarom zijn de fastfoodketens nog gewoon open, waar ik ook lekker gebruik van blijf maken, maar “that’s beside the point”.
Waarom wordt er geen aandacht besteed aan het nemen van vitamines om je immuunsysteem te boosten?
Waarom mogen mensen boven de 27 niet sporten in de sportschool of in groepsverband?
Waarom mag ik niet knuffelen, dat dopamine (gelukshormoon) aanmaakt wat weer goed is voor ons immuunsysteem?
Waarom wordt er geen aandacht besteed aan psychische en innerlijke gezondheid waarin we leren om met onszelf om te gaan, hoe we gelukkig kunnen leven en waar we dankbaar voor kunnen zijn, zodat we betere keuzes maken en daardoor, op een natuurlijke manier, gezonder worden.
Waarom worden werkende medicijnen om COVID tegen te gaan/ genezen verbannen?
Het virus heeft een overlevingskans van 99,xx % Het mortaliteitscijfer staat gelijk aan het mortaliteitscijfer van een stevige griep, wat het uiteraard niet minder erg maakt als je er door geraakt wordt of als je het zelf krijgt
De groep die het op de IC beland zijn mannen van 65+ met overgewicht, ouderen in de 70/80 of mensen met onderliggend lijden
De griep is sinds 2020 plotseling verdwenen…….
Er is al vroeg aangegeven dat mondkapjes niet werken maar wellicht wel als gedragsbeïnvloeding ingezet kan worden
Aantoonbaar werkende medicijnen mogen niet gebruikt worden en de artsen die met deze medicijnen duizenden mensen hebben genezen worden voor de tuchtraad gesleept en gecensureerd.
Nevenschade van al deze maatregelen is vele malen hoger als de schade van dit virus:
Kindermishandeling stijgt de pan uit
Depressies en (poging tot) zelfdoding is nog nooit zo hoog geweest
Er zijn nog nooit zoveel mensen op de aarde geweest die geen eten hebben en honger lijden
De financiële gevolgen van bedrijven en ondernemers is niet te overzien
Rutte gaf aan naar groepsimmuniteit te willen werken, en ontkent dit later.
De Europese wetgeving geeft aan dat er binnen Europa geen discriminatie mag zijn voor ongevaccineerde inwoners, maar het vaccinatiepaspoort komt er toch aan……
PCR-test is nooit bedoeld om besmetting te meten, dat kan deze test ook niet. De test kan ALLEEN aangeven of er een deeltje van een virus aanwezig is in het lichaam van de geteste persoon. Dit geeft niet aan of de persoon ziek is, ziek wordt, of besmet is. Rutte geeft zelf aan dat testen zonder klachten geen zin heeft.
De demonstraties verlopen merendeels zonder geweld, het geweld dat gepleegd werd, was ingezet vanuit de gemeenten en de politie zelf. Inmiddels heerst bij de politie ook al een verdeeldheid en is zo’n 50% tegen de maatregelen.
Daarnaast worden ook The Great Reset en Build Back Better al geruime tijd door mensen genoemd, evenals Agenda 2030-2050 (World Economic Forum).
Het was een lange lijst en wellicht ben je wat wijzer. Wil je nog meer weten, ga zelf op onderzoek uit en bespreek dit met anderen. Laat je niet leiden door alleen de mainstream media of de politiek, zeker niet als je voelt dat er meer aan de hand is. Volg je intuïtie, ga zoeken, ga praten en deel je bezorgdheid. En houd vooral moed en leef, leef je leven, geniet van dingen, ga niet in op de angst die gewekt wordt, maar blijf bij jezelf. En als je voelt dat het tijd is om op te staan, sta dan op, op je eigen manier net zoals zovelen voor jou dat deden.
Heel veel liefde voor alles en iedereen vanuit het diepste van m’n hart.
💜❤️💜
Als laatste nog wat leuke en interessante mensen en sites om te volgen (Instagram):
I just saw it’s been more than 1,5 years since I last wrote a post. I have been wanting to write, but I couldn’t find a topic I wanted to write about.
The last year has been draining. I took a course for work, which I passed, yay 🙂 and there’s been some changes in my work which is all good, but it took energy. Energy that apparently I didn’t really had in the first place. I couldn’t get back energy, I wasn’t able to rest up in the weekends of during my days off of work. And that’s been going on for a while, at least a year also. I just didn’t really realize it and pushed through.
After the summer I realized I couldn’t really get through with all of this and was done being drained of energy so I took steps to figure out for once and for all why and where that comes from.
Last week I got the answer and it made me happy that I finally knew and it also made so much sense about how my life had turned out so far. Today I had more insight’s and it was and is very emotional. It’s 1.40 am on a Saturday night and I’ve been awake for a while, with thoughts in my head about time slipping away and things and experiences I haven’t been able to go through because of it all.
This will be my most personal and vulnerable post I’ve written but I feel the urge to share it.
As you know I only write from the heart and I write for me to get some insights and also write it for you, if you read this and it helps you or it gives you insight or understanding that’s all I can hope for.
So lets start at the beginning. I’ve written about being bullied in primary and high school. I wrote that I closed the book on that chapter of my life and at the time that was true. I still believe I closed that chapter, but I also know now that a traumatic experience as a child has more repercussions than I thought.
I’ve always been tired, I cannot remember a day where I wasn’t or haven’t been. I was able to function properly, but I’ve been tired for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on vacation, I’ve lived abroad for a year, I’ve been sky-diving, I’ve been playing tennis or other sports but nothing I’ve done made a difference. I’ve tried excising more, eating more healthy, meditating, but all those things didn’t have any effect.
After this summer, where I had 4 weeks to recharge, I was even more empty than ever. I went to look for a place, a therapy, that could give me answers. My doctor, last year, said a lot of people are tired and there was nothing he could do. So I tried the alternative route, not the western medicine route and I found an answer that explains everything.
I set an appointment with a natural medicine specialist and they send me a neurotransmitter questionnaire. This will help determine which neurotransmitter needs to be recharged and how to do that. I found out two of the 4 neurotransmitters work well the other two not so much. Dopamine and GABA levels are too low. We found out that I’ve been running on adrenaline for a long time and that I have been in my flight or flight mode since I was bullied. In that time I wanted to be safe and the only way to do that was to be in a constant state of checking each and every situation and each and every person. The bullying stopped after 10 years but I’ve never shut down that fight or flight mode. I’ve never realized I’ve been running on constant fear and adrenaline until last week. Because of this my energy levels are so low that I’ve never been able to refuel. This all made so much sense to me and I finally was able to let another weight off of my shoulders. I’m taking natural supplements which will change the levels of these neurotransmitters so that I can get my energy back and I have a few appointments with her to see what else we can do. I’ve also cut back on work so that I can heal faster.
Days after the appointment I felt some adrenaline triggers. As I was walking into the school that I work at I felt my breath higher and faster, I felt my body temperature rise, I felt unease and I felt fear. I was checking all the students and thought “What will they think of me” and the kind of thoughts I usually don’t pay attention to. I immediately knew those where my adrenaline triggers, those are my fight and flights triggers. It felt good knowing and a day later I didn’t have that. I’ve been having these realizations for the last week and I’m very happy that I know them now. I know these might not be all of them but I know these are the big ones. Knowing it makes me feel better and I know I can finally do something about them.
Since the session I’ve been emotional, I’ve had good days and really really bad days, but I’m accepting each and every day as it comes. I know this is also a process I need to go through and I’m proud I’ve made it this far. I feel strong for all the things I’ve been able to do so far and how much I’ve been able to do without energy. It all feels weird and far away but also very close for reasons I cannot explain.
Yesterday was rough and as I’ve been watching Glee for the last week I put that on when I got home. Today I’ve been watching it too and I realized that because I’ve been in this fight or flight mode ever since being a kid I’ve pushed away from everyone and everything. I’ve missed all the stuff “normal” teens and young adults experience and it sucks that this happened. I’ve been content with the life that I have now and the amazing people that I call my friends and family, but I feel really sad for all the things I wasn’t able to experience. Like go on adventures with friends, having a group of friends to hang out with, sneaking out to do fun stuff with, love, first loves, relationships, intimacy, doing crazy things, having crushes on people, staying up all night dancing, knowing that people have my back, teen drama, flings, experimenting with all kinds of things. I haven’t been able to do all those things and I can’t go back to do them cause I will never be that age again. I know I’ve done this myself, I let myself be like that and I know there was a good reason for it, but it feels like I’ve been robbed of these experiences that I will never be able to get. And that is something that makes me feel sad. I cried about that earlier this night, while watching Glee and I appreciated the show even more. The way they portray the songs and the amount of feelings they put into them is incredible. I’ve always loved music, it’s my escape and has been forever. I can get into a song and nothing else matters. I can listen to the same song over and over again for hours, days and it can make me feel something else each time. I love to see artist get into their music and performance and take me with them into a song.
I know I can’t change the past and I am happy with the person I am today. I am proud of who I am and what kind of person I’ve become and it can only get better. And it will get even better when I break the triggers and I get a hold on them. In a few months I will go to hypnotherapy. I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to get hypnotized. On the other hand I know it’s a way I can break triggers and conditions I’ve set up for myself that I’m not conscious about. I’m looking forward to those sessions and I’m also looking forward to all the things I’m going to do in my life. The days that I choose to stay in bed just because I want to stay in bed, not because I don’t have the energy to get up. The days that when I have done a lot I can come home and wound down and look back on an incredible day without being drained, just exhausted. These days will come and I am really exited about them.
With sharing this story I hope that people will realize what effects a trauma early on in life can have later in life. I knew bullying could lead to mental problems, I’ve experienced them, but that they could also trigger physical and even neurotransmitters is something I didn’t know. I think no one knows or realizes this and that’s why I think it’s important to share. Science has come so far these days and I know in the time of me being bullied this science wasn’t there or not out in the open. I really hope people will realize what they to do to each other and what the effects can be later in life.
I just watched The Greatest Showman for the second time and all I can say is WOW. The songs, yes it’s a musical, are so spot on and I got emotional a lot. With the songs and what happens in the story. For anyone who hasn’t seen it and don’t want to know anything about it, should not read further. I’m not spoiling much but I write a little outline of the story.
The story is basically about the man who invented the Circus, P.T. Barnum and how he created these amazing shows for people using “unusual” people, outcasts of society and how they became family. The story is still relevant to this day cause people who are different and do “life” different are still made to feel disgusted, shameful and bad about themselves. And that pisses me off and that is putting it lightly. So when I saw that in the film I got mad, really really angry at the people who set that off in me.
One of the songs in the film “This is me” is so good and powerful, it hits me every time I see it. There’s this video about studio pitch (a read through where they basically try to sell the movie to the studio) and it’s a make it or break it day for the whole cast and what happens during this song is, for me at least, pure magic. Everyone is feeling it and I can feel it through the video. There is so much power and so much vulnerability from basically everyone in the room and it’s so beautiful and raw and yes I LOVE it!
The lyrics are about accepting and loving yourself and breaking through the “shame” and barriers of people who “are” normal and that you shouldn’t listen to all those who cannot accept the differences between people and (but that’s the way I see it) are afraid of things they don’t see as beautiful and as basically human. The chorus is:
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I’m meant to be, this is me Look out ’cause here I come And I’m marching on to the beat I drum I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me
There’s a lot of people I know too are always looking at what is different about other people and laugh about it. I never got that. I’m different, I’ve always been different, I’ve never done life how you’re “supposed” to live life. Maybe I don’t have a “weird or strange” appearance, but I’ve not lived the way society is portrayed. Like having boyfriends in your teens, having a family in your 30’s and having a career (making good money) and a house in those years as well. I’ve never done that, I never really cared for it to be honest, but I’ve always felt the pressure from everyone about it. It felt like I was (am) doing life wrong. But that is the thing right, it’s MY life and I do it MY way. If you don’t like how I live it, don’t tell me or look at me funny, but just go, leave. If you can’t accept me for who I am and what I do I don’t want you in it. I’m not trying to change people, I like people the way they are. I don’t point out what’s different about that person to others, I don’t see it. All I see is a person, a human being who is living their life.
When I tell people I see movies or TV shows over and over again, I get this look, like “Oh come on, really, you’re weird” and people don’t understand it. But I don’t see the same movie or the same TV show. Every time I do I get this feeling, this amazing feeling (wether it’s really sad or happy or exciting, whatever) and I see a different movie or show. I see new things and I experience it differently.
Also people try and tell me, or explain and justify why they do things or don’t do things. When I talk about my tattoos I hear a lot “Well I might want to have one but……..” and that’s totally fine. Get one if you want to, or don’t if you don’t, I don’t care. I’m not trying to convince you to get one I’m just trying to explain what they mean to me and why I have them or get them.
The moment I start to talk about meditating I immediately feel a defence system going up and people get really really defensive about why they don’t. “Yeah I know I should do stuff like that, but………”, or “I want to try but I can’t empty my mind”, which is not how I look at meditation at all, or “It might be good for me but I don’t have the time….”. Okay that’s totally fine with me, but I’m not trying to tell you that you should do it, I’m just sharing my experiences. And yes sometimes they can be very different and hard to explain, which doesn’t mean I want a disapproving look or a look that I’m not “normal”. If you want me to explain what happens and how I do it, I’m happy to tell you. If you make fun of me about what happens during these sessions I’m not okay with that.
The same with songs or movies or shows. The fact that I like it doesn’t mean you have to like it, but don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I tell you I like One Direction or Bon Jovi or that I’ve seen King Arthur: Legend of the Sword like a 100 times and watched Sons of Anarchy over and over again. Don’t tell me it’s a waste of time and I should go to the gym or do something “useful”. You don’t know why I watch or listen to it, you don’t know what it’s giving me and what it does to me. What you think is “useful” I might think is a waste of time. Do I tell you that? No, cause it’s YOUR life and you live it the way you want to. I don’t have any say in it, and I’m not trying to. Would I tell you I’m worried about you if I am, YES, would I tell you what I think I would do in a certain situation, definitely, but I would NEVER ever tell you what you should do. I don’t know why you do the things you do and what it brings you and brought you to that point, so who am I to judge it or want to change it. I might ask why you made a choice like that, but just for me to try to understand or see where you came from, not so I can start telling you it’s wrong.
Does all of this mean I won’t think about people and all the thoughts I have about people are good thoughts? No, it just means if I think about someone in a certain way, I keep it to myself. They way I see someone is based on my relationship with that person and the energy between us and what is in the past, it doesn’t have anything to do with you so why would I try and put my thoughts about that person on you so you can form an opinion about someone based on what has happend to me? You should try and from your own opinion about someone based on your experiences with that person. And you can change that too. The fact that you don’t like someone now or that you have had a bad experience with someone doesn’t mean that you have to keep that point of view. If you change the way you feel about someone and try and look at it from a different perspective you can change the relationship and have good experiences with that person. You never know why someone is doing something. Someone might accidentally have hurt you because they where in a bad mood or something bad happend to them. Doesn’t mean they meant to hurt you and maybe they don’t even know they did. If you keep holding on to the one instance something bad happend, you will never ever be able to change it to what might become a great relationship.
What I would like in this brand new year is that people would stop looking at other people so much and just experience their own life to the fullest. Why would you want to make fun of someone else and how they look and what they do? Would you like it if someone would make fun of you? NO you wouldn’t. For me that is intentionally hurting people and if you want to do that in my company, you can leave it. If you talk bad about someone in front of me and try to make me go along, keep moving, cause I’m not having it. Be nice to people, be kind, act out of love, share good experiences, ask for help if you need it, try and look at different perspectives, see the good in life and in people and things. I know we’ve been raised with looking at things that aren’t good, but if you look at all the good in life, you can change yours, you can make it better, even if you have bad days.
I would also like to see people try and talk more about how they see things from their own perspective and not like it is like the way they see it. For instance when people say “that is a bad movie or a bad idea, or that person is a bad person”, I would like to see/ hear them say “I think ……. ” and maybe with an explanation or maybe not, maybe depending on the situation. And if people speak from themselves they can maybe open doors into another persons life or at least see where someone’s coming from.
Anyway I think I’ve gotten everything out that I held on to 😉
Ever since I got back from my Ayahuasca trip my mind and body have been in movement. I’ve been more in touch with what my body wants and how it works, when there is tension and how I feel. My mind has been asking me a lot of questions and I have been thinking a lot about my life and how I want it to be. There’s been emotion ups and downs and I guess that’s normal, but sometimes I analyse too much about what’s going on and what I think I should do or how other people might think about how I live my life. I’ve learned that the way I cope with things and can get some perspective is to write it down so here it goes.
I’m tired off feeling like I have to explain why I do the things I do or don’t do things that others might expect me to do. Mainly I’m tired of trying to explain all this crap to myself and doubting myself. And thinking about what others might think about how I live my life. What do I want my life to become? I am not sure, not in the big scheme that is. I know what I want from life, but I don’t have big dreams. That’s probably what might bother me most is that I feel like I have to create this huge life for myself. I don’t know where that comes from, but I also sorta know I don’t have to create that even though my mind tricks me into believing that sometimes.
Even when writing these blogs I think about what others might think, if I hurt people by sharing my thoughts and feelings or how others might change their opinion about me. I have to remind myself that if I speak my truth I can’t hurt anybody, cause this is me and what’s going on in my head and heart. If people’s opinion me change for the better that’s fine, if they don’t and change for the worst that’s totally fine too, cause once again it ain’t about them, it’s about me. This is me and you either accept it or you don’t.
I’ve listened and watched a lot of interviews with an incredible actor and he believes that if you really, for 100%, know what you want and are passionate about it that the universe will show you the way. Without you needing to know what to do, the path will show itself.
That’s what I believe in too. The only thing is, is that I am not sure about what it is that I really want. I also know life is about the flow of it and thinking too much can ruin it and having fun is important, I just think I somehow lost that…. I want to go back to doing fun things and just be. Trying to live in the moment is something I started to do a while back and at the times I’m completely in the moment it’s amazing and that gives me so much ease and peace. It takes practice to set those intentions and that is something I have to let go off. The constant need to be in control and to want to do things instantly without them taking time.
Ever since I’ve was little I knew I wanted to move to the US to live there. Last year on my trip to Austin I had this realization that I don’t have to move to be happy. That I can live wherever I want and as long as I am me, and I like being me, it don’t matter where I live. The last 10 years whenever I’ve been on a vacation it was either the US or the UK and basically my vacation was visiting my friends who are my family. As I’m sitting here in Austin on this vacation I feel like this US period might come to an end. I love the family I’ve created that is scattered all over the US and I do love to hang out with them but I think it’s time to get in another direction with my vacations.
I love that wherever I go feels like home, cause that means I’m surrounded by good people and am content with myself and my surroundings. And as much as I enjoy being here now and it feels like home, it’s exactly that, it feels like home. Like things I need to do, I have to take care of the cat and the cars. And that’s okay cause that’s what the arrangement is, but still. Today I was thinking that I miss camping or just being in a beach house somewhere just to be, without having to do anything. I felt a bit sad thinking about this cause if I’m not coming over to the US I won’t be able to see and hang out with all these incredible people anymore. But even though I won’t be able to spend this time with them that don’t mean our connection will be lost. Maybe the part of me what knows how hard it is for them to come over and stay with me that that’s the reason I come over and spend time with them and whenever I come here I try to see as many people as I can. And until now that has been good for me, but it’s time for something new and different. I think it’s time for me to let go of my need to always come over here and have to see all these people.
Now I feel like taking that time off and just go wherever. Not necessarily the US but just to have time for myself. That’s not to say I won’t travel back to the US, cause I probably will and a bunch of times, but it means I’m going to take time for myself and what I feel like I need to do or want to do and not having that constant pull of “I need to see this or that person cause I haven’t seen them in so long”.
As hard this is for me to realize I think this is what I need to do. I set the intention during my Ayahuasca journey to let go of control and I’ve spend so much time controlling all the US adventures that I haven’t had space for other incredible things that I could invest my time and energy in.
I’m excited to see what space I’ve opened up by realizing this and what comes next. For now I’m going to enjoy the next 16 days in Austin and later this year an incredible wedding in Arizona. After that I’m going to figure out what’s going to be next in regards to traveling.
I know, I know, I know, I just wrote about Sons of Anarchy a few weeks ago and now there’s another. Why? Because I have to write it, I can’t keep this inside, cause it keeps my mind too busy and I can’t think or feel anything else but this show, these characters, these bonds, this love and hurt. So my only option is to write it down. I don’t know if it’s redundant, but I don’t really care, cause I need to get it out.
The hurt
I think the thing that gets me the most is that it’s about forgiveness and about love. There’s so much stuff going on, so much betrayal, so much hate, so much deception and so much fear about losing the people they think they own. There’s backstabbing, there’s lying and controlling others, there’s “you can’t win because I am better” and “you can’t have that/ that person cause they/it belong(s) to me and me only” that sometimes it overwhelms me how people can be so cruel and intentionally try to hurt other people.
The “I hurt you because you hurt me” and the “look at all that I’ve done for you so you need to do this for me or……” are too common on this show and I wish there was less of that going on. I somewhat understand why they make the choices they make and where that hurt comes from, but I feel bad for them that they can’t seem to find another way to fix whatever it is that’s broken or hurt. I strongly believe the lack of love for themselves is one of the reasons there’s so much hurt or so much needed of possession that it breaks my heart for most of them.
To have such a bad history in your family that the only way out you feel like is to do some horrible things that take away parts of your humanity. And then little by little by the one you love giving you back some parts of what you used to have you get it back. To not being able to talk to each other anymore when you used to tell each other everything.
The way some of those people use people and play with their lives like it is a game and don’t care about the consequences for those people is something I don’t think I will ever be able to understand.
Also the jumping to conclusions man! People know half of the truth and create a story around it. They see something and jump to conclusions before they even know what’s really going on. That’s why most of the people get hurt. Maybe that’s why most people in life get hurt, because they either don’t know the whole story or listen to others telling them a story they don’t know the truth about. There is so much judgement and assumption around that sometimes it’s really hard to see what’s really going on. Maybe we want to hear that particular story to make us feel how we need to feel. Maybe we choose to listen to someone while we don’t really believe them or want to believe them but don’t know where to look for to find the real truth.
The love
There’s a lot of collateral damage and unintentional hurting of others but besides all that and all that hurt and basically people lacking love there is much love in this show. There’s a brotherhood, there’s a deep love between Jax and Tara, there’s trying to be good and trying to do the right think cause you want to do better. The love between the brothers in the MC is incredible. It didn’t start out like it, but around S4/ 5 it becomes more and more clear how much they all love each other. Not that in the earlier seasons that didn’t exist but it was different.
Because of all the incredibly hard choices that have to be made and all the horrible things people feel like they have to do there’s a lot of forgiving. Understanding why people have to do certain things and forgiving them for them. To feel like you have to do horrible things to protect the people that you love and forgiving them when they feel like they see no other way.
Accepting kindness and being grateful for it while turning into something or someone you would rather not become keeps you from totally losing yourself into the darkness.
Jax and Tara have an incredible bond and such an incredible love that it’s inspiring. How it all ended broke my heart, it still breaks my heart thinking about all the things that happened to them and how they tried over and over again to make a right decision, to get out of the live, but also to love each other so deeply that it hurts and you want to do right by the other, to want to stay with each other even though you know something awful might happen. To be so honest to each other that you know every single detail, all the bad and all the good and still stand by each other and that it doesn’t matter. All the little things they do, the looks, the hugs, the honesty, the touches as little as they are, mean so much. And that even though in the end they had such an incredible hard time they still let their love for each other win. Jax making the sacrifice to give himself up so that Tara and their boys could be safe and out of trouble. It makes it feel real and something to aim for.
To have a group of people you spend time with daily who love you so much is something I wish I had. I have a lot of love in my live, I have so many friends/ family scattered over the NL, UK and US and I love them dearly but I wish I had them all closer. To have a clubhouse we’d hang out after work or whenever and could sleep there if we wanted it too. To have gatherings, parties and just plain fun with the people I love the most. I should try and figure out how to accomplish something like that and to set up such a community will be something I’m really going to think about and set my mind to.
For now it’s time to let this show go. Let the characters go, give them a place in my heart and move on. It’s been an emotional ride for a few weeks and even though it hurt like hell, I’m so glad I found Jax and was a part of his journey.
Some of my Random Thoughts and Ideas 