Oh sweet mother Ayahuasca

Sweet might be not the exact taste of you, you tasted more like wood and that’s because you come from plants/ vines so that’s understandable 😉

You send me to the darkest corner of my being, my pain, my hurt, my control, and you let me let it go. So thank you for letting me be able to go through it!

Ayahuasca

Ayahuasca is what they call a plant medicine. It’s also known as a hallucinogen/ psychedelic. What I’ve heard about it before I got to know it wasn’t much. I know someone who went to a retreat and had ceremonies for days. That was rough and she told me she think she died there and was reborn. She also had a lot of questions she wanted to get answered and she did.

The information I got after I signed up I read and told me to set a clear intention, go on a dieta (to clean my body before going onto this journey) and be prepared for my mind to be expanded, like all hallucinogen do.

We were told momma Ayahuasca only gives you what you need, ask for and what you can handle.

My experience with this incredible plant

There where two sessions planned on that day and we didn’t have to do them both if we didn’t want to. I was with another girl who wanted some answers about her past. My intention however was “With an open heart I want to let go of control and release everything that doesn’t serve me”. Be careful what you wish for! Cause I got it, not during the first session though but in the end, I got what I wanted and I’m so grateful I did this.

First session: We took it and it takes about 20-30 minutes for it to work. For me it didn’t. I felt my body going into deep rest, like a deep meditation, but my mind was still racing. I know now that that’s because thinking is my safety net and I obviously knew something big was going to happen which I (my ego) didn’t want. After about 45 minutes I got another shot but that didn’t work either. I just started to lay down and felt like going to sleep. I didn’t fall asleep but I got a bit more relaxed and at one point I heard a ringing in my ears. I know that sound, I hear that when I meditatie too and I know it’s either the sound of my soul or the sound of the universe. It was really loud and I, also, know now that it wanted me to listen and let go but at that point I still wasn’t ready.

After a huge giggle we both went into the second session and after taking the drink I laid down on the bed and I think the moment I closed my eyes it hit me. It hit me hard!

I thought I started to feel sick so I needed to sit up. The only way I could sit was in meditation pose. Luckily there where buckets available just in case we needed to throw up. The moment I sat up I pulled that bucked into my lap and had it there the whole time. Used it as a sort of pillow too, it was really comfy 🙂

I had to close my eyes cause if I opened them the only thing I could see was a distorted reality, everything was out of it’s normal boundaries and it freaked me out. It was not pleasant to have my eyes closed, cause inside was hard, really, really hard, but I know I needed to be there, just there and trust it was okay to be there.

In my journey there was a movie loop going on in my head. I don’t know exactly what it was but I do remember pieces of being on my own couch (which I wasn’t) and thinking about how much pain I’d have in my legs after sitting like that for so long. Right after that thought there was “Legs, what are legs? What are arms, what is water, what is air” and than I heard a weird sound which later I realised was my own breath. Than I heard someone (I think the other girl) stand up and ran to the bathroom where she was followed by our ‘mentor’. I heard some laughing and I got to thinking “It doesn’t matter cause it’s nice here with my bucket”  and than I laughed, took a deep breath and tried to relax in that moment. And that’s when the whole thing repeated itself again, and again, and again until I realised there was a loop going on. There was one difference during this whole loop though and that was the music. The music in the background was different and the moment I realised that I thought I could relax a bit more. The moment I felt I got out of it and smiled and relaxed a bit more I hit a deeper level. And again, and again, and again until at one point I knew it was too much. I said “This is too much, there is so much” and I knew it was about pain, pain and hurt. The moment I said that I also knew I had to go through it. I knew I would only get what I could handle and this too would pass. And it did. It got worse, really worse, but I also got through that.

Underneath all that though I felt some kind of peace. I think that might’ve been my open heart.

At one point I had to laugh at myself. “Just look at you, what have you gotten yourself into” thoughts came over me, while sitting in meditation pose with a bucket which I used as a pillow 🙂

And than at one point I was out. Just like I fell in, I got out and that was it. It was out, and it felt amazing! All the tension I had stored in my body over all those years, was gone, just gone, just like that. I had to go deep and I had to let go of control, but I did and it was worth it all!

What has it brought me?

I feel lighter, my body is free, free of tension, tension I didn’t knew I’ve built through my whole body. I never been able to feel my belly, to get in touch with it and to feel it while doing any meditation excersices. This has changed. I can feel it now and that’s huge! Also I feel more fluid for some reason. I have to learn to know my body again, I have to learn when I need food, when do I need food and when is it something else that I need. Is it a craving cause something happened or is it because my body really needs fuel? So I keep asking myself these questions and it helps me.

I’m also a lot more comfortable around other people. I used to always think about what they might think of me, that’s totally gone. I’m me and I really like being me and I feel like I’m finally able to be okay with that. I love what I love and some people might think I shouldn’t cause of various reasons, but that’s on them, it has nothing to do with me, it has to do with their truth and this is mine.

 

People commented on my that my eyes are brighter and that my energy field is a lot bigger and stronger than before. I take my place in the world now and I own my space and I don’t even know I’m doing this. It’s not intentional, I think it’s just my natural state of being, but it’s nice to have this pointed out by people.

I notice my jaws are relaxed, even after these couple of weeks. This also makes me think about where tension, pain and hurt is stored. I think my belly/ stomach was full pretty early on and than it went to the rest of my body, legs, than back (or the other way around) and lately my arm, which is totally disappeared as well. I’m more conscious about my body and need to re-align with myself and my energy field. I feel other peoples energy more now and also what that does to me. It is really amazing to realise that, although now I have to learn how to pull up my own shield again for it not to hurt or affect me.

I have been thinking about that constant loop during my journey and I know what that is. There’s so much going on in my mind and I realised I replay a lot, over and over and over again. I don’t need that and I am learning to stop these thoughts and replace them by either silence or things I want to think about.

The only drug I ever took was MDMA a couple of months back. That didn’t really do much, cause I had such pain in my stomach. Now I know I wasn’t ready for that, I wasn’t ready to open up that pandora’s box of hurt, pain, sadness.

What’s incredible is that the other girl I was with had such a different experience, she really went on a journey and got her answers to her questions. I never asked for answers I just needed to release control and emotions. And that’s what makes this so amazing. Everybody get’s what they ask for and only what they can handle.

And now it’s time I’m:

❤ to each and every one of you

Feelings, Oh Canada and some road kill

This clip reminds me of what happened after Nashville. I started towards Charlotte, North Carolina, cause that’s what my pendulum told me 😉 When I arrived however I had no idea what to do. I found a parking spot, went into the city and felt totally lost. Normally I like to wander about and see what comes up, but this time it felt different. I was looking for a Chamber of Commerce and couldn’t find it in the first place, which must’ve been a sign. I asked a security guard at the old building where I could find it and walked over to the new place. Normally the Chamber of Commerce have people that work there to help you out, see where you can go and advice you. This new Chamber however was a small place in the Convention Centre, with no people around to ask questions. I looked at maps and flyers and nothing really stood out. I didn’t know what to do so I got out and crossed the street to get some lunch.

I texted my friends and I felt completely crazy. I didn’t know what to do, what I wanted, where to go and basically it was a tornado in my head spitting out randomness and craziness without having any clue what to do. I got a couple of replies and most of the suggestions of my friends where “Go do something for you, do what you love, rest and clear your head”. As I’ve been either driving towards my friends or spending time with them I basically had no time for myself and I was a little overwhelmed with everything I’ve done so far. I looked up a movie theatre watched a movie and after that I asked google for extended stay hotels. I booked one in Matthews, which was amazing cause that pendulum I used pointed at a street right across the street I stayed at, which I found out the day after I booked the room 😉 That week I basically locked myself up in my room, watched TV, slept a lot and I realised I have been running on fumes. I was exhausted and I hadn’t noticed that until I stopped and took a breath. At the end of the week I knew I had to leave, cause I didn’t want to stay there.

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I figured I just got onto a highway and drove to the coast. So there I went on the road again, just driving and chilling. When I got to the coast I arrived at a haven. If  I am going to a coast, I want to go to the beach and not a haven. I didn’t really check out where beaches where cause I wanted to just go and see where I’d end up, without a plan or expectations (which obviously I had, otherwise I couldn’t be disappointed I ended up there). I looked for a hotel and booked a room for a night. When I got into the room I, again, felt lost. I talked to my friends that I didn’t know what I was doing and that I wanted to take this trip without any planning. Just go with the flow. I found out I am not a person who can do that. I need some sort of direction and if plans change that’s fine with me, I am very adjustable, but I need some sort of direction to go on.

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Oh Canada

So I figured I’d go towards Wisconsin where I have another friend. It would take me about 3 or 4 days and all I needed to figure out was which way to go. Do I go all the way up Michigan and than drop down to Green Bay or do I go towards Chicago and than drive up that way? I figured I just drive up to the point where I needed to make a decision to go North or West. I knew someone in Cincinnati, drove up there, we hung out for a couple of hours and my decision was made. I’d go up so I could go to Canada, which was about 1,5 hours out of my way, but hey I was so close so why the hell not right 🙂

I drove all the way up to Canada, crossed the border, got a stamp in my passport, ate a burger and drove back. “You drove back? Just got food and didn’t stay?” I hear you say and question. That’s right, I just popped into Canada for a hot minute, ate at a road side bar and jumped back in the car towards the US.

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On my way to Michigan and in Michigan was the first time it felt like I was on a vacation. That state didn’t feel like home, all the other states did. There wasn’t anything wrong with the state it was just a feeling I got. I drove all the way up to Canada and back in one day and than it was time to look for a motel. As upper Michigan is a ski area not a lot of places where open, so I had to search a little before I found a place to crash. I found one that was pretty nice and I was amazed that not a lot of other places where open. It was still very cold and the lakes where still frozen so it was beautiful in that area. There was not a lot of snow anymore so there’s no skiing but for the rest I was amazed that there weren’t a lot of people in that area.

Birthday bowling

19 April was my birthday and I was very glad I got to spend it with my friend in Wisconsin. I knew I was going to get a new tattoo on this trip but didn’t know when. My friend and I where talking about tattoos and she said there was a good tattoo place near here. We went on a Saturday and it felt good so I decided to get my tattoo right there. My dad texted me around 5:05pm to wish me a happy birthday so on Dutch time I had my tattoo done on my birthday, which is awesome!

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On my actual US time birthday we went for breakfast/ lunch, did some bowling and what’s a birthday without a proper pie? Not a birthday, so we did the whole pie thing too 😀

The last town

It would take me about 3 days to get from my friend in Wisconsin to my friends in Bozeman, Montana. On my way I actually participated in some road kill. Seriously??? Yes, there was some little tiny animal crawling right across the interstate and popped up and I couldn’t stop or swerve around. I tried to avoid it, but I drove straight over it and I felt sad…. I didn’t know what the rules where so I kept driving and the way I hit I believe it got killed instantly. That’s what I choose to believe anyway. A little later I saw a rattlesnake on the interstate and now I know how I’m gonna act when I see a snake in real life 🙂

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In Bozeman I stayed with my college friend, hung out with some other friends and on that night we stayed in our old condo. It’s weird to say it was my condo, because I only lived there for 6 weeks, the rest of the academic year I stayed on campus. My friends parents still own the condo and here brother lives there now. He was okay with us staying there for a night and it was amazing and freaky at the same time. They still had all the bedding and a table I brought over in the room and my friend suggested that I stayed in my old room. It was good and weird at the same time.

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I wanted to go to campus, and I could, but it felt off. One day I was on my way and it started raining so I turned around. The moment I turned around the rain stopped so I took it as a sing. I don’t miss not going to campus this this and I am glad I didn’t go.

While in Bozeman I also met some of my other friends and with each and everyone it felt like no time had passed. It’s been almost 9 years since I left Bozeman and since I’ve seen them and it is incredible that after all this time it feels like no time has passed and that we have such a strong bond.

I am glad I have so many amazing people that I can call my family all over this amazing continent 🙂

In a next blog I’ll write stuff that I’ve learned along the way, where to go from here and about expectations.

For now this is it 😉

17/365: Doodle “Feelings”

I drew this after an amazing, magical night with an incredible person. We always have such deep conversations and it’s always magical and good at the same time. We always lift each other to a whole new level and we are different the day after. She’s one of my soul mates and our bond is very special (but you must’ve figured that out before 🙂 )

I started drawing this without any clear picture in mind. It looks simple, but that’s what it was. It was a quick draw but with everything that I wanted to say.

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Acting class 4/8

If you are following me you’ve noticed I haven’t blogged about acting class 3/8. Last week I was sick so I skipped it, I was not feeling well enough to go to class and I learned to listen to my body so I got home and slept 😉

So even though this week was class 4 for me it was my third. We began as we always begin: making up a word/ sound & movement and then copy the one you get and throw yours to someone else. As I am sick again my brain didn’t catch on so it was pretty hard. You have to do that exercise on impuls and that is hard, even harder when you’re not feeling well. The next one was similar but only with an imaginable samurai sword. This one was with three words and 3 movements in sequence. You had to give the first to someone, they did the next and the two people next to them did the third. This one was really really confusing. I wasn’t there last week, so it was pretty hard to catch, but I finally got it.

The third exercise was that he told us a story and we had to feel and live that story while he was telling it. We had to walk through the room (all of us together) and be in your own world and create what he said was going on. This was an exercise I really liked. I could get into the story and feel and see most of it before my eyes. These are the things I like to do, so I think I’ll like working with a script.

The final exercise was the same as last week and the week before. Make up a scene in a pair and perform it. The 5W’s: Who, What, When, Where and Why. My friend and I came up with something and thought if we’d go last we might not get a turn, cause we had a story that was already played before (not in details, but the basics that is). Our trainer was walking behind us back to class (after the break) and told us to begin. Which I thought was a good move. He told us that if we just sat there waiting for our turn it would be more difficult. And he probably was right. I think he did us (well at least me) a favor by doing that, cause I wasn’t that nervous to play our little scene. The thing is that I don’t know enough details so that makes me nervous. Improvisation is pretty hard (still) for me but I wasn’t afraid of the people who were watching. I didn’t notice them while being in my scene. The thing that scares me or makes me nervous is that I don’t know what I’m doing and if I get really emotional I don’t know how to get that out. If I get emotional in real life or feel like I’m getting into a fight, I just walk away. I don’t want to fight and I hate conflict so that’s my way out. When things are calm again we can talk it out, if there’s still things going on. In these exercises though we have to let out these feelings, or let them in to say it better. We have to feel them and act on it, not walking away. Just yell, scream, curse, throw things (don’t hurt people ;)), kick things, whatever. It doesn’t matter as long as the emotion is released and shown. These last couple of things I just realized by writing about this process. I am not afraid to go to the classes any longer (YAY ME 😀 ) but I still get nervous. I think the things I get nervous about are the things I’ve written down above: not knowing what I need to say and adjusting the way I feel and the way I act upon my feelings.

The group is great, supportive and really good. I feel safe so that’s an other great thing about this.

For next week we have homework. We need to find a text that we love. Not a poem or a song, but a book or letter. The thing is that it has to be in Dutch and I don’t read Dutch or watch anything that is Dutch, so that’s going to be fun to find. I thought: hey I love the start of Twilight so I use those lines, but than I thought I’ve read them in English and not in Dutch. For me know is to find the Twilight book, in Dutch and see if those lines speak to me in Dutch as they do in English or otherwise I just have to find an other text…… Challenge!!! 🙂

That’s all for now, if there’s something more on my mind, you know I’ll post it 😉

For now sleep well (or have a great day) and cya next week!

Feelings while dreaming

Have you ever had a dream with a lot of feelings and when waking you still feel that for a while?

I dream a lot and I also remember most of them. Some I share here, others are too private to share.
I have a lot of weird dreams and dreams I can place, where we process the things happening to us during the day.
There are also some dreams with an intense sense of feeling. When that happends I mostly have that feeling stuck with me for a while and it’ll take me a while to let go of that feeling.
I love when that happends though, although I wish sometimes it was real. Most of those feelingy dreams with me are where I help people. I feel that they need something, words or a kind gesture or even a hug or a little touch. It gives me joy when I’m able to do that.

It might be a sign that I have to open op and try to look for that in my daily life…… Food for thought….