Oh sweet mother Ayahuasca

Sweet might be not the exact taste of you, you tasted more like wood and that’s because you come from plants/ vines so that’s understandable 😉

You send me to the darkest corner of my being, my pain, my hurt, my control, and you let me let it go. So thank you for letting me be able to go through it!

Ayahuasca

Ayahuasca is what they call a plant medicine. It’s also known as a hallucinogen/ psychedelic. What I’ve heard about it before I got to know it wasn’t much. I know someone who went to a retreat and had ceremonies for days. That was rough and she told me she think she died there and was reborn. She also had a lot of questions she wanted to get answered and she did.

The information I got after I signed up I read and told me to set a clear intention, go on a dieta (to clean my body before going onto this journey) and be prepared for my mind to be expanded, like all hallucinogen do.

We were told momma Ayahuasca only gives you what you need, ask for and what you can handle.

My experience with this incredible plant

There where two sessions planned on that day and we didn’t have to do them both if we didn’t want to. I was with another girl who wanted some answers about her past. My intention however was “With an open heart I want to let go of control and release everything that doesn’t serve me”. Be careful what you wish for! Cause I got it, not during the first session though but in the end, I got what I wanted and I’m so grateful I did this.

First session: We took it and it takes about 20-30 minutes for it to work. For me it didn’t. I felt my body going into deep rest, like a deep meditation, but my mind was still racing. I know now that that’s because thinking is my safety net and I obviously knew something big was going to happen which I (my ego) didn’t want. After about 45 minutes I got another shot but that didn’t work either. I just started to lay down and felt like going to sleep. I didn’t fall asleep but I got a bit more relaxed and at one point I heard a ringing in my ears. I know that sound, I hear that when I meditatie too and I know it’s either the sound of my soul or the sound of the universe. It was really loud and I, also, know now that it wanted me to listen and let go but at that point I still wasn’t ready.

After a huge giggle we both went into the second session and after taking the drink I laid down on the bed and I think the moment I closed my eyes it hit me. It hit me hard!

I thought I started to feel sick so I needed to sit up. The only way I could sit was in meditation pose. Luckily there where buckets available just in case we needed to throw up. The moment I sat up I pulled that bucked into my lap and had it there the whole time. Used it as a sort of pillow too, it was really comfy 🙂

I had to close my eyes cause if I opened them the only thing I could see was a distorted reality, everything was out of it’s normal boundaries and it freaked me out. It was not pleasant to have my eyes closed, cause inside was hard, really, really hard, but I know I needed to be there, just there and trust it was okay to be there.

In my journey there was a movie loop going on in my head. I don’t know exactly what it was but I do remember pieces of being on my own couch (which I wasn’t) and thinking about how much pain I’d have in my legs after sitting like that for so long. Right after that thought there was “Legs, what are legs? What are arms, what is water, what is air” and than I heard a weird sound which later I realised was my own breath. Than I heard someone (I think the other girl) stand up and ran to the bathroom where she was followed by our ‘mentor’. I heard some laughing and I got to thinking “It doesn’t matter cause it’s nice here with my bucket”  and than I laughed, took a deep breath and tried to relax in that moment. And that’s when the whole thing repeated itself again, and again, and again until I realised there was a loop going on. There was one difference during this whole loop though and that was the music. The music in the background was different and the moment I realised that I thought I could relax a bit more. The moment I felt I got out of it and smiled and relaxed a bit more I hit a deeper level. And again, and again, and again until at one point I knew it was too much. I said “This is too much, there is so much” and I knew it was about pain, pain and hurt. The moment I said that I also knew I had to go through it. I knew I would only get what I could handle and this too would pass. And it did. It got worse, really worse, but I also got through that.

Underneath all that though I felt some kind of peace. I think that might’ve been my open heart.

At one point I had to laugh at myself. “Just look at you, what have you gotten yourself into” thoughts came over me, while sitting in meditation pose with a bucket which I used as a pillow 🙂

And than at one point I was out. Just like I fell in, I got out and that was it. It was out, and it felt amazing! All the tension I had stored in my body over all those years, was gone, just gone, just like that. I had to go deep and I had to let go of control, but I did and it was worth it all!

What has it brought me?

I feel lighter, my body is free, free of tension, tension I didn’t knew I’ve built through my whole body. I never been able to feel my belly, to get in touch with it and to feel it while doing any meditation excersices. This has changed. I can feel it now and that’s huge! Also I feel more fluid for some reason. I have to learn to know my body again, I have to learn when I need food, when do I need food and when is it something else that I need. Is it a craving cause something happened or is it because my body really needs fuel? So I keep asking myself these questions and it helps me.

I’m also a lot more comfortable around other people. I used to always think about what they might think of me, that’s totally gone. I’m me and I really like being me and I feel like I’m finally able to be okay with that. I love what I love and some people might think I shouldn’t cause of various reasons, but that’s on them, it has nothing to do with me, it has to do with their truth and this is mine.

 

People commented on my that my eyes are brighter and that my energy field is a lot bigger and stronger than before. I take my place in the world now and I own my space and I don’t even know I’m doing this. It’s not intentional, I think it’s just my natural state of being, but it’s nice to have this pointed out by people.

I notice my jaws are relaxed, even after these couple of weeks. This also makes me think about where tension, pain and hurt is stored. I think my belly/ stomach was full pretty early on and than it went to the rest of my body, legs, than back (or the other way around) and lately my arm, which is totally disappeared as well. I’m more conscious about my body and need to re-align with myself and my energy field. I feel other peoples energy more now and also what that does to me. It is really amazing to realise that, although now I have to learn how to pull up my own shield again for it not to hurt or affect me.

I have been thinking about that constant loop during my journey and I know what that is. There’s so much going on in my mind and I realised I replay a lot, over and over and over again. I don’t need that and I am learning to stop these thoughts and replace them by either silence or things I want to think about.

The only drug I ever took was MDMA a couple of months back. That didn’t really do much, cause I had such pain in my stomach. Now I know I wasn’t ready for that, I wasn’t ready to open up that pandora’s box of hurt, pain, sadness.

What’s incredible is that the other girl I was with had such a different experience, she really went on a journey and got her answers to her questions. I never asked for answers I just needed to release control and emotions. And that’s what makes this so amazing. Everybody get’s what they ask for and only what they can handle.

And now it’s time I’m:

❤ to each and every one of you

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