So 5 november I got a message through my MeetUp account from a photographer. He told me I would be eligible to model for him, he might be able to recommend me to others. First I was like whoa! Than I thought: okay but why me, what does it entail and what’s next? There wasn’t any other information about him in the message so I asked him where I could find information about him, his website and all that and what the meeting/ try out would entail. I got a message back with some information and it was all without any commitments, the information from the website looked okay. So I messaged him it was okay to meet and that I would try it out.
I’ve never really thought about modelling, didn’t know if it would be something for me, but this was a nice try to find out I thought. The funny thing was that that Monday of the first message my skin acted up and I was like: Yeah sure, why not now 🙂 But that was okay, I had it somewhat under control and I thought: Photoshop was not created for nothing 😛 So I didn’t pay to much attention to it. If I wasn’t good enough with how I looked, that was not my problem, it was his.
Feelings are over rated ….. or not?
On Friday he gave me a call if the meeting would still happen and I said yes. The moment I hung up though, my feelings where really weird. I got nervous or my intuition was telling me something else. I told myself it was just nerves, cause this came completely out of the blue and I didn’t know what to expect. I went to bed and slept good. The morning of the shoot I woke up with huge uncertainty in my gut. My mind kept telling my body to shut up, because it might’ve been just nerves for the unknown. I talked to my friend about it and she told me (what I already decided) to just feel it out, if it didn’t feel good I could just go back home, no strings attached, no consequences. I would just go in there for the experience, go on another adventure. I knew either choice would be fine, it would be my choice to go or not to go and it would be all good.
I wanted to know what the feeling was though: was it my gut trying to tell me something or was it just my insecurity?
My mind went back to the time I didn’t want to go to the last acting class I took. I was so nervous to make that decision, I didn’t want to go at all, but I didn’t want to look like a failure. In the end I made the choice just for me, not for anybody else, I made the decision not to go for me and the moment I did the feelings where gone and I didn’t think about it anymore after that.
So I decided to go and feel it out. My other friend told me I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to and if it didn’t feel right. And I told her I would be okay, I’d just feel out the situation and than just stick to my feeling and not doing things I don’t want to.
The day itself
So we met up in a coffee shop in a hotel. He told me some bits and pieces and gave me some advice. He told me something about where he was coming from. He used to be an actor in Hollywood and does a lot of photograph. If you get a recommendation from him, that apparently says a lot. He told me I could probably get project as background, military (cause my short hair) and business. He told me my skin might be a problem and he wanted to give me some advice, and I told him I tried anything and it gets better and worse sometimes. Then he kept saying that a reference from him would mean a lot, and that other people who take great pictures don’t know the business like he does. And I just sat there and knotted at him. Didn’t have any questions, I just went with the flow.
He told me that just because I’m new he wouldn’t shoot in a studio cause he doesn’t know if I’d do good or show up or something. And I said okay, didn’t expect that, but he should know right?
I told him about the 4th wall when he told me not to look into the camera. And than he’s like: it’s the 3rd wall actually. And he was impressed I knew that. But I he’s still wrong. It’s the 4th wall, cause you know Jim Michaels Tweeted that and I remember that 🙂 So yeah I got him on that one, and I knew I was right, but just let him believe it was the 3rd.
We went outside to take some picture and even though it rained it was pretty okay. I did what he asked, looked and posed how he wanted (mostly just smiled and that was good). He told me I did good, so that was okay. After a bit we went back inside. I changed in some business looking clothes and we shot some pics inside the hotel. There where some people looking, but for the first time ever I didn’t mind, so YAY! I just posed and smiled and followed his directions. And after a bit we were done.
He told me I could change into an other outfit or we could go check out the photo’s. I followed my instinct and said “looking at the pictures is fine for me”. Than we sat down, looking at the pictures. We went through the pics and there where only a few I liked. Mostly cause of the lighting that made my skin look very bad, even worse than it really is. A few of the pics where really out of focus and I was surprised by that. I’ve had a fashion photo shoot a couple of years back and even though a lot of those pictures didn’t turn out the way I liked, they where all of amazing quality.
And there it was …………
He than told me that if I wanted to do this, I could (of course) go for his special discount package. I’d get a recommendation, all the photo’s, a couple of photoshopped ones, and unlimited time of being showed on his website. And the difference between others and him was that he was well known and that the pics he takes were really great and not shot with a compact camera. And his package deal was only 550 euros. And I was like “Woah, I have to think about that” and that threw him off. He said he was a great judge of character and he could pick up on that and thought I’d say yes in a second. Hahaha guess he didn’t read me that well than, did he 🙂
Than he asked if I had my ATM card and he asked me what I was willing to pay and that he could see what he could do for me now. And I’m like “Well my ATM card is empty, I don’t have any money” and than he asked me if I had cash on me and I said no. And that was pretty disappointing for him, cause I know he knew I’d pay him.
Beforehand we never discussed any payments or any plans for that matter. This was just an audition to see if he could use me as a model for some of his projects and for others to look me up. And to see if I liked it, so this threw me off a bit too. But I also knew it was coming, and that’s what my gut was telling me that day and the night of the phone call. It told me something was up, and it was correct.
I told him I have to think about it and he said okay, but the price will go up because he has to keep the pictures for a while and I said I understood. At that moment I already decided I didn’t want any of it, but I wanted to have some time to think about what just happened. I think I knew while we finished up the second shoot, cause if I really wanted to do it I’d go for an other outfit.
A couple of things I noticed, but just realised while typing this down. Most of the pictures where okay but they where not stunning or so amazing that I wanted to have them anyway. I have amazing talented friend who could take better and more beautiful photo’s than the ones I saw from him.
Also his laptop wasn’t clean. I don’t know, but if I’m professional and I show people my laptop or something else I want it to look good. My screen is completely clear and his wasn’t. I expected a MAC, but he had a “simple” laptop, maybe that’s personal as well, but I know MAC’s are the best for visual editing, whether it’s photo’s or video.
He was a bit too full of himself. Which is okay, but it doesn’t impress me. I don’t care for status and having a lot of money or any of that so when he kept saying he was the best and he didn’t want to brag but it was the truth I just kept looking at him and say “okay” and thinking “whatever dude, I don’t care” hahaha. He kept telling the same over and over again and it felt (looking back) to rehearsed. If you want to impress me, than at least take amazing pictures and have a great pitch for me. And tell me beforehand that there might be money involved. Not at the last minute cause than it’s a waste of both of our times. You put effort in to impress and sell me something, which won’t happen, and I’ll be just like “well I ain’t gonna pay for this, this was an audition just to see what it was and that’s just it”.
His website wasn’t a real website. It was not a ….photography.com or something, neither is his e-mail, that was hotmail.com. If I was a professional I would have a professional website with a unique e-mail address, not a hotmail of a gmail account. But that might be personal.
What I noticed about me during this whole experience is that I can count on my intuition. I can just go with the flow and my body will tell me what’s going on. I also notice that I didn’t care if anyone was looking while we took the pictures, so that was new one for me. I was aware of what I was doing and it felt maybe a little awkward sometimes (you know with posing, leaning towards the camera and sucking in that tummy and all that 🙂 ) but I felt confident just standing there. Holding a pose is much more difficult though but I think I did fine. I don’t want to do this anyway, so it was a good experience to try. I’m proud that I went and took on this adventure. I changed by doing that for the better and I know what I want and I know my limits and I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do or feel uncomfortable with.
So all in all it was a good experience, I have no regret, I’m glad I went there and just let it wash over me, search out what and where my feelings where and came from. And now I’ve learned something new, I can really trust my gut and these feelings don’t come along often. I know I can handle myself and I’m proud that I am that way. No one can change my mind and no one can make me feel less than I am. That power is in my hands and I know that now. The only person who can make me feel bad is myself and I choose not too.
So if you ever have a feeling in your gut and don’t know what to do with it, you can do what I did, check out what it means but be prepared for something unexpected. You can also stop what you’re doing, cancel what you had for plans and just accept that your intuition is right and you can trust it.