I wrote this one last Saturday. It was an emotional day and at the end I needed to write it down. At fist I only shared it with a specific close group on Facebook, but after thinking about it I want to share it to anyone who knows and is following me on any platform. So here it goes.
Today was my grandpa’s funeral and it’s been a really weird but beautiful experience. He died, at his request, last Tuesday and that was special. I wasn’t physically with him on Tuesday but I felt him leaving this earth. I remember I sat in the bus home and started to feel nauseous and couldn’t breath for a bit. My mom texted the time of death a little later and I knew I felt him leaving at he moment I didn’t feel great and that is a special moment to remember. When I talked to my cousin later he told me it was amazing that my grandpa really got his wish and had a clear mind on the day he died. He wanted to die, but his body didn’t listen so they set up an appointment to end it. The last couple of weeks he was out of it most of the time but on Tuesday he was clear as a whistle and his wife and kids and partners were able to really say goodbye to him. And he died the way he wanted it too and he got his wish, which is really nice. At first I hoped he’d go before this appointment but after the talk to my cousin I believe he is right. My grandpa wanted to die and wanted to do it his own way, and that’s what he did, that’s what happened and that’s beautiful.
Today in the church I broke down while my mom and my eldest sister said their words. They were so beautiful and the moment I broke down and let myself break down I could picture my grandpa standing next to me (a younger version of him anyway) and say “It’s okay” and that was so great cause it really felt okay.
The speeches where lovely and it was amazing to see how many people there were. He’d touched so many people’s live cause the church was full of people and I feel humbled for all of us that we’ve known this amazing man.
My grandpa just turned 93 in June and I’m truly grateful to have had him with us for so long. I feel so lucky to have had him in my life till I was 32, not a lot of people can say that and I realise that whole heartedly. That’s what also made it special.
An other thing that caught me of guard where my cousins. They are both very strong guys with a “give ’em hell” attitude and it was amazing to see them both break down. They just kept crying and it was beautiful. I love that these days make you stronger as a family (even if it’s just the one day) and that everyone just lets go and doesn’t care what other people do or don’t.
I’m not religious but I broke bread for my grandpa, to honour him and his believes and that was special too. I noticed my sisters and my cousins did the same and I believe we are all in the same boat on this too 🙂
I live in Holland but the US has always been my home (I’m born and raised Dutch, but my heart has always been in the US) and I know in my heart that very soon I will be living in the US. I don’t know how or where, but I know it’s going to happen. I realised, walking to the bus with my cousin, that the reason I don’t live in the US yet is because this had to happen first. I needed to say goodbye to grandpa, I needed to be here for him and that feels weird. Cause even though I still have two grandma’s I think now I can go now. I don’t know why but it feels like that now. I’ll be in the US for a road trip in March and April 2015 and I know when I come back I have everything figured out. I told my cousin and he broke down again, he said it was beautiful that I related that to grandpa. That was a nice chat. And I’m not going to think about the why, cause I can’t explain it. My feelings are always right and for me it doesn’t matter how and where, just that it is.
So even though there’s been a ton of crying today there’s also been great things. I’m not saying crying isn’t good, cause crying is great 🙂 Grandpa was the best, he was proud of all of his grandchildren and I have a lot of good memories (my dads shed smells like my granddads used to smell 😉 ) and I know his soul has started somewhere fresh. He moved on to a new adventure and that is amazing.
All I can now is have a great night/ day/ morning wherever you are and you all!