Who am I?

That’s a question I think a lot of people are asking themselves or get asked and don’t know the answer to right away. I think I know myself pretty well and I felt it was time to write it down. There’s a lot more to tell about me than this blog, but these are the thought’s that are keeping me up tonight so these are the ones I have to put on the screen.

Some of the things I write down might sound cruel or harsh, but this is the way I feel and if I keep it inside I’m only hurting myself. I never wanted to hurt people, I strongly believe in speaking your mind as long as it comes from the heart. And this one is.

It is okay to not knowing who you are. It’s hard to get a hold on yourself if society expects you to be someone who you think you are not. I have the same. I’m 32, single, with a decent job, an apartment (sort of) and great friends. A lot of people in their 30’s are settled down with a partner and kids and live in a house while having a good job, the job they wanted (or maybe just settled for). But that’s just not me. I don’t want to settle for a job that doesn’t make me happy. I don’t want to settle for a partner I am not completely in love with and know that person is the one (even though settling with someone who is great and you care about might be a lot easier). I don’t want to live in a house that doesn’t feel like it is mine. I want the world! And that might sound ridiculous but I have dreams, I have big dreams I know. But I also know that if I set my mind to it, work on everything that is still bothering me, I can have what I want and I will have what I truly desire 😀

People might call me a geek cause I love to watch Sci-fi shows and movies (like movies from Marvel, Buffy, Angel, The Tomorrow People, Arrow, Transformers and so on). I never thought of myself as a sci-fi geek, but I’ve always loved the science fictional TV shows and movies. Supernatural is THE TV show of my life. What that show is doing to me and other people I’ve been writing about in other blogs, but I can honestly say it changed my life. Maybe not the show directly but the cast, crew and other fans did for sure. I’ve made some amazing friends through that show and I am truly grateful that this show has changed my life. And I’m super exited that I can finally say my thanks to the cast and crew next year at their convention in Las Vegas. It’ll be an amazing start of my 2 month road trip 😀

I have never felt I belonged. Not with my family, not in Holland (where I’ve been born and bread) and not in the house that I live in. People keep saying “Oh you have such an amazing house/ apartment” and all I can think about is “Yes it is lovely, but it’s not my home, it is just for the time being”. The times where I do feel like home is when I’m in the USA. That might sound crazy but it is the truth. The first time I was there it felt like it should. I can’t explain it, but I remember to this day that when we where standing on The Strip in Las Vegas I was thinking “Yup, I knew it would feel like this, nothing special, feels like I belong”. And it felt like I have been there before. I was 17 at the time and at 19 I flew to Tallahassee and spend 5 weeks with a friend, when I was 23 I went to study Media and Theatre Arts at Montana Stated University in Bozeman for a year, the year after I came back, the same 2/3 years later and the last time was in 2011. Every time I have a trip planned to the US I feel like I’m going home.

That feeling is weird to have and I’ve been thinking about that for a long time. Why would that feel like home, is that because it’s a safe place, am I running away from here, is that truly home? How can it feel like home when I’ve been living in Holland for 30 years? That thought has haunted me for quite some time and someone just recently told me that it’s okay. He said “So what? What’s so wrong with running away to a place you feel like is home?” And that got me thinking too. My past hasn’t been very nice here and the US has always felt like home, so why is that a bad thing? For some unexplainable reason Holland has always felt like a lay-over for me, don’t know why but I’m done thinking about the why and just accepting that it is.

As I wrote down above I never felt I belonged, always felt out off place, never did what people expected (not even now), always had big dreams (even though most people never knew about them), always doing things my way (as far as I could). My family never felt like family. That doesn’t mean I have bad ties with my family, not at all, but it never felt I was part of it for some reason. I strongly believe in “Family don’t end with blood” and “Just because you’re blood, doesn’t mean your family”. And as hard as it was for me to realise or write down for me that’s what it is. I surround myself with a couple of amazing people (all around the world) who I call my family and for me they truly are. That doesn’t mean I don’t care for my relatives and that I don’t spend time with them, for me it’s just different.

Helping people is one thing I really want to do in my life. I believe I’ve always tried to help people, but maybe that was just pleasing others so the noticed me, I’m not sure, but I’ve always been someone people could rely on and trust. I am proud that I’ve established that with my friends as well, they come to me and they don’t have to tell me not to tell anyone else, cause they know I won’t. I feel strongly about not talking about other people. If you want to tell the whole world something you should, if you only tell me I won’t tell anybody else, cause that’s not my place and I don’t want it to be. I want to be a safe harbour where people can tell their stories without being misunderstood but feel welcome and listened too. One of my strengths is to being able to empathise with people even though I haven’t experienced it myself. I don’t judge and my friends keep saying that they love that about me. I kinda love that about myself too, but on the other hand, why would I judge? I don’t know why you made that decision, you must have had a reason to do that. I don’t want my friends to be hurt but I’m sure as hell not going to tell them they are making the wrong decision, I will tell them what I think and if I’m concerned or not and that I don’t want them to get hurt, but I’m not going to tell them what to do or not. I will tell them what I feel though, and they appreciate that as well.

I do a lot of things by myself, always have and always will. I go on trips by myself, go to concerts abroad, movies, dinner, whatever it is, if I want to do something and there aren’t people who want to tag along I just go by myself. The fact that I’m alone doesn’t mean I am not going to do the things that I love. People say they admire that about me, for me that’s just who I am, nothing more, nothing less.

I don’t take credit for anything and status doesn’t do me much. After all I’ve been through I did go to school and college and the moment it was time to pick up my Bachelors Diploma I was like “Do I have to go there?” It didn’t do me much, I went to school, I made it and I was out. I have the same with every accomplishment in my life. The fact that I arranged the whole exchange program for me and a few other classmates didn’t do me much. It was how it was supposed to be. That’s what everything in my life is like. If I think I need help, I go out and seek it. If I think something needs to be done, I do it. If I want to do something (like skydiving or go to a concert abroad) I don’t hesitate and take action and do it (alone or not), no big deal. What I need to learn more is that these things DO MATTER, these are great accomplishments and when I think about it I know it rationally but I don’t really feel it. It was what was supposed to happen that time, so it did.

I know I trust my instincts and I have to rely on them more. My feelings and my gut are always right, I just need to trust them more. It was just a few years back that I started to notice what my gut was telling me and just started to do what I wanted and if I didn’t feel like doing something that I chose for myself in stead of just saying yes and feeling bad after. This change was a good one and also a scary one, I was never the one saying no, and now I was the one that said no most of the time. But I decided that I should choose me instead of pleasing others. It’s my life and I have to be happy with what I do, so there ya go 😉 It is still hard sometimes to choose me, but when I’ve made that decision I know I’ve been right and that gives me peace of mind.

So why am I so afraid to take the next step in my life and take action on a move to the US? I tell you why and it doesn’t make that much sense. I think too much about what other people think about me. There’s a lot of people that hate the US and always bitch about it (“It’s not easy to go there”, “You know health care is horrible”, “What are you going to do there, what kind of job”, “How are you going to arrange everything”, “The government is crazy”, “Wages aren’t fair” and so on). I’m afraid of the reactions from other and also the fact that I don’t have the answers, I don’t know what I’m going to do there, what job I’m going to have, where I’m going to live. That’s a scary thought, but I feel it’ll all work out, even though I don’t have the answers yet. An other thing is that I am going to have to leave every safe aspect of my life behind if I do (my house, job, friends and family). That’s a part that makes me nervous, but on the other hand I can get back here if it doesn’t turn out. I’ve been keeping this dream for myself and only a couple of other people that are very close to me, but I’m done keeping it a “secret”. For most of the people who know me, this shouldn’t come as a surprise, if it is they don’t know me very well. I want to go there, I need to go there, it is my home. I don’t care about when, how or what, I’m not going to worry about it, because I know it’ll happen. Maybe soon,maybe in a few years, I don’t know, but I know it’ll happen and I’m ready for it. I’m not going to keep this in any longer, cause it’s only hurting me to keep this inside. I know for a fact that I can finally go home and that it all makes sense, whatever it is, whatever I’m going to do it will be great! And next years road trip will have a huge part to play but again I’m ready “Bring it on!!!”:D

-xoxo-

Ils

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One thought on “Who am I?

  1. Not everyone is brave enough to follow their dreams..You are doing the right thing..I’m not gonna say much because you know exactly how i feel about it.. 🙂
    I’m gonna quote Paulo Coelho “Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure…”

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