After a good nights sleep, yes I did sleep very well last night after writing. There were a couple of things I wanted to write down after, but I was to tired so I fell a sleep very quick.
One of the things that other people keep telling me about the nerves is: just let it go! Just letting go isn’t that easy and definitely not as easy at it sounds. It is so hard to let go and the people who say that the loudest are in fact the people who a) never had to let go something that is stuck in their whole human being, or b) can’t let go themselves so they scream it to the rest of the world.
There’s something else I realised about the acting class: I’m not the only one that struggles. I see it from the sidelines and I feel for the people standing ‘on stage’ and can’t get into the flow or emotion. I need to realize that i am not the only one and that I’m strong for the fact that i still show up and try my hardest to do good.
If i had taken these classes a few years back I know I wouldn’t have the balls come back after the first class, so that is huge and i should be proud of myself. I can also be proud of the fact that there are so many people who wouldn’t dare to take an acting course.
The thing is is that the feelings that I had last night weren’t mine. Well they were mine, but not mine of today. I think these feelings are still from a long time ago, feelings I haven’t been able to deal with. Feelings that are so deep, stuck and hidden in the core of me that its hard to find them, but even more important hard to let go, cause I didn’t know they were still here. Well I might’ve known they were still here, but not being this stuck and hidden as I have hoped.
And you know maybe these feelings are gone now, maybe I needed to feel them. Oh I most definitely know I had to go through this last night. It wasn’t fun, for sure, but everything happens for a reason so i probably needed this too 🙂 And it is not even a question if i needed it, i know i needed it to grow.
And than there’s this thing called explaining your actions. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, this is my process and I’m doing this first and foremost for myself, I knew it was going to be hard, difficult and probably painful, but I signed up anyway, cause you can’t grow without having difficulties in your live.
I’m always so glad when I write whatever is in my mind. It helps me to understand myself better and it definitely opens up my eyes about who I am and why I act the way I do, which is very interesting 🙂
I still think I need to go somewhere and try to scream, or go boxing to get rid of all the anxiety that’s still in my body. Luckily I do have a punching bag and I’ll probably give it hell tonight when I’m back from work.
Have an amazing day!!