Oh boy what a night!!! Man oh man, I’m still wired. When I was done with class I wanted to scream so freaking loud or kick something to damn hard, or just cry like a baby……
This was such hard class today. I’m going to try and stay positive but I can’t guarantee that I will..
Before class we had to learn a piece of text we would have to do a monologue of today. I learned my lines (prologue of Twilight) and I knew them by heart. I also said them out loud this morning a couple of times and at lunch to one of my colleagues. I knew them, I might’ve switched a couple of words, but I knew them. And I still do. I was kinda exited about this class and I pictured in my head how I would perform the monologue. I also knew that I was gonna do it today no matter what…
First couple of exercises where the same as previous and I think I did kinda good. I was slow with the Ho Min Chack (or something), but I’m always slow with that one so that is okay. Than we had to change turns in weird expressions. There where two people acting out a place they were at (the moon, under water, supermarket a.i.) and when Hugo said freeze the would freeze, two other people took the places of the previous and continued into a new place. This was kind of fun, but also hard because it went so fast. I think I did good at that one, I let go a bit more and that was okay.
Than there was an exercise where Hugo had a card saying what bad thing one of the two actors on stage did. One of the players had to wait outside with the card (not peeking at it) and the other one was handed card by their loved one. It was interesting to see how people reacted of each other. I sat that one out, for an unexplainable reason..
After that one there was the monologue part. There were two people doing good before me and when Hugo asked the next one I thought: it’s now or never, so I stood up and tried to bring out the words. I think I came to the second or paragraph and than I chocked. I had to do it over again, sit in a chair this time and address the story to a girl in our group. I could feel some of the feelings bubbling up, but I lost my lines. I took my time to find them, and I could picture them in front of my eyes but they didn’t come out. Than there was a whole lot of trying to do it differently, in a horny voice, as a fish, Smurf or in a seductive way. I don’t know what happened, but I freaked out, my brain was mush and I couldn’t even think anymore…. I don’t know but maybe it was because the text is so much better in English than in Dutch, but still it shouldn’t matter. I know Dutch and English and even though it is different I could tweak it a bit so it would flow more and is more my style, but still it is so hard to learn even a little piece of text.
So we went on with something else, maybe the card thing was after, but I really can’t remember. I think it was after the monologue thing, cause we were having a break after the cards and than we were doing a scene like every class.
Before my monologue I said I was nervous and luckily Hugo said that every time he had to perform he was nervous as well. That didn’t help me black out though… I know everybody must’ve been nervous, but I couldn’t really see it in the other two. I know I’m glad when I do a scene (the 5w scene) and I get into the feelings and really give it what I need, but I don’t know today I just broke or something. And like I said last time I don’t pay attention to the people sitting in front of me, I’m not nervous for that at all. I notice them when I’m done with a scene.
After class I didn’t hang out, like last time, I got a ride to the bus and I took it. When I was at the bus stop it hit me! I felt shame. I don’t know what happened but I felt ashamed about myself. Of that I couldn’t get out 10 freaking sentences and get into the right mindset and feeling? I also felt very small when that feeling of shame came over me. Me and a colleague of mine where talking about feelings earlier that day and I think it’s still all old feelings of not being good enough, not being worthy, about not being able to do what I want or something like that. That almost made me cry. It also made me want to scream so loud or punch something so damn hard but I didn’t. I did what I always do when waiting for the bus: dance on the music that on and play back with that. This I don’t have a problem with, even though other people can see that and look at me whatever way they can, but in front of trusted people in an acting class, not being able to get out the words or let go of all the tension is so hard. I still don’t get why. And I don’t even have any explanation for it. I also don’t have any idea how to get out of this circle. I know I’m going to the 5w’s next week, that’s for sure and I might even do my monologue again, if I get the courage and I hope I can finally let go, cause this sucks in so many ways, it’s not even funny…..
There is a silver lining though, I know right after that?? I was one of the three that did do the monologue and the rest didn’t. So that means 7 other people didn’t do it and I got the guts to get up there and at least try it. And I got into the feeling a little bit, so that’s a good thing too 😉 It wasn’t all bad, I got up, did my thing, it didn’t work out, so be it! Who cares!! Me obviously, but seriously, why am I making this so freaking hard for myself???
I am going back next week and I’m gonna try again to be better, I already have a good 5w’s scene in my head so that is going to be good. And for the rest of it, I don’t know. As long as I can leave most of the tension outside and jut trying to have fun and be good at what I do and try to let go a little more, it would be a success. Today is a success cause of the things written above, so next week there’ll be an other success, which you will read than 😉
Have a good night, sleep well and enjoy the dreams 😀