So as I wrote down earlier I got nervous about going to class tonight. I’m always nervous, but if you want to read more about that check out the earlier blog of today.
I never feel like going to class cause I get nervous. Nervous about not knowing what to do, not being prepared well enough and so on. It is not that I get nervous standing in front of people, it’s more the nerves about not knowing what the hell I’m doing. I don’t really like the improvisation part of the classes and the “go nuts” part, cause that’s just me. I don’t like to go overboard and that’s exactly what you have to do when you’re acting (sometimes, at least in our classes).
As I wrote in an earlier blog, I’m not taking these classes cause I want to act. I’m taking these classes cause I want to try and challenge myself to do things I would normally not do.
The class today started as the previous classes and it went a bit better. I’m still having trouble letting my brain work on impuls, so I can’t keep up that fast. It’s okay though cause I’m starting to like these exercises 🙂
We did a different exercise in the middle of the class. We had to tell each other what we thought was beautiful about the other person and the things that we liked. Than the other person had to say thank you and than compliment you. And that went on for a bit, till it got awkward. And that was exactly the point! We had to come up with stuff to say, and maybe not rationalize the situation (which apparently I do). It was a though exercise but I’m glad I stood up without me being the last person.
We didn’t do anything with the texts we had to bring. I didn’t know we had to memories them and play a monologue. I thought just bring it and than we’re going to do something with the text. So for next week I’m going to prepare my text and it’ll be good!
When we were done with class our coach Hugo told me to stand up sooner. Right as he called the exercise out I have to get up there and start doing. He told me it gets harder the night progresses and I’ll get more nervous. And he’s right about that. It felt good to stand up and not waiting for everybody else to get their turn (which is what I always do in any situation, I don’t claim my place to to say and I just realized that too (wow this has been a very mind opening day ;)). I am going to do that next week too. He also said that I can act and that he was really impressed with a scene I did three weeks ago (second class). I told him that was because it was so close to home, that it didn’t feel that hard to do.
One of my class mates told me that I’m doing some great things. Mainly the listening to my co-player and than reacting off of that. She told me she doesn’t do that well enough. That is not my hardest part. I’ve always been a listener and I’ve always kept quit till everybody else was done talking. When I had something to say I try to say it when I want to, but if I’ve tried two times and they won’t let me say what I want I’m like “okay, whatever, couldn’t care less”. And that’s a habit I still haven’t been able to break. So with acting that’s a good thing, in real life I’d like to learn how to do that more. She also told me that I need to “not give a shit and just let go” which is the hardest thing to do though.
I like that Hugo always gives us cases that are so not us, that you have to really try to work it out. Today wasn’t the best day, but I was really nervous before hand. Last week I wasn’t that much. We had a nice hangout after class and it’s good to talk to the other players and Hugo about the class. I’m going to hang out after next class as well, cause that’ll give you some insights as well and you’ll learn from each other.
When I walked home from the bus I thought “I need to break out of this shell, this bubble and just go with it” and I wanted to start running. Because I really hate to fight or stand my ground it’s hard for me to act that too. I feel bad for the other person who I’m supposed to be calling names, but the thing is (I just realized that on my way home too 😉 ) they are acting too. I shouldn’t care about hurting their feelings cause that’s what they signed up for. I shouldn’t feel bad personally when an other actor is calling me out and cursing and yelling at me, cause it’s not personal. They are yelling to the character I’m playing. I would feel all the emotions, and that’s good cause you can act off of that, but I won’t take it personally.
So basically I want to break free and perform (Queen is playing in my head really really loud this moment :D), cause I have to say I kind of enjoy it too 😀 It’s hard and it’s difficult, but that’s life so 😉 And I don’t care about the people on the side lines. I can focus on what I have to do “on stage” and be in that moment (as I think I described in an earlier post) and I couldn’t care less who’s watching. My focus is on that moment and on doing good. So that’s a step up for me as well and I’m proud of me for taking that one!
The thing I still don’t really get is that I can have a photograph taken of me in a tea bag bikini and or a home made Superhero costume out of plastic and wall paper and that photo is available world wide but I can’t break out of this shell and perform. Okay I have to say I had a couple of wines that day (see my GISHWHES post) so that is a bit different, but the feeling I had that day was so much fun and excitement that was overwhelming. I am going to try to excite myself for next weeks class. I really want to enjoy it and break free of the “normalcy” which I still have. There’s only three weeks left so I might as well break out now right 😉
That’s all for now, so sleep well or have an amazing day!