As you know last Wednesday I had my first (out of eight) acting class. I wrote about how terrified I was during the class and that it was so nerve wrecking. As you can read in my post about that or the post the day after I wrote about my thoughts on the process.
I also talked to a few other colleagues and one of them said to me: “Why can’t you show other people what a great person you are? What is it that holds you back?” I can’t tell you that.
The rest of the week, until I think yesterday I was nervous every time I was thinking about acting. And than I thought “STOP IT!” I shouldn’t be afraid to act. I don’t know why I am afraid. Maybe it’s because deep down I don’t want to disappoint myself or other people Or maybe because I don’t want to make a fool out of my self, I’m embarrassed or something. I don’t know, but that is not the point. The point is that I signed up for this class to have fun, to learn how to entertain people, to learn how to portray someone other then myself. It doesn’t have to do anything about fear, I know there might be some exercises I’d rather not do, but I just want to have fun. I want to be creative, I want to come with a brilliant way to explain why someone needs to play tennis and not just 2 sentences and than go blank. I want my brain to take over and really get into the character that I am trying to portray. I might not be able to improvise as much as other people can, but that is because (for now at least) I feel like I need to know what I have to say, or at least have some sort of script. But that can change too, maybe in the end I love to improvise and be better at it.
I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve been trying to feel comfortable, I’ve been trying to Neuro Linguistic Program myself a bit and I think it’ll work. I have a tattoo on my shoulder which states: “No FEAR”, so why am I afraid. I have no idea. It might be because of the things I wrote down above, or it might be something completely else. The thing is that it shouldn’t matter.
I know I have this gift called HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality) which makes me able to feel other peoples feelings and understand what they go through, even if I haven’t experienced this myself. So again: why am I afraid for the acting class. Maybe I just felt all the nerves from everyone in the room, or it might be completely me. The thing is: I DIDNT LIKE IT! And I don’t want to feel like that anymore, it was exhausting and not fun at all, to feel sooooooo tense for 3 hours during the class and almost 2 hours after.
An other thing is that I did GISHWES last year and I had a photo taken of me in a tea bag bikini, and I didn’t mind that. That turned out great and I even presented the photo’s to my colleagues, so come to think about that it really isn’t realistic for me to be scared of acting or to be in front of a group. Especially when it’s a safe environment where everyone respects each other and wants the same thing I want: to ACT and learn how to be a different character/ person.
So I have decided that at the beginning of Wednesdays class I’ll ask if I can have a few minutes and than I’ll try to explain what happened last week and why I am there. I am there for the FUN not for the FEAR and I know it might get hard, but I also I will be able to act and perform in front of a group without being tense of fear for the whole time.
And that’s all folks 😉