Saying goodbye to my amazing grandpa

I wrote this one last Saturday. It was an emotional day and at the end I needed to write it down. At fist I only shared it with a specific close group on Facebook, but after thinking about it I want to share it to anyone who knows and is following me on any platform. So here it goes.

Today was my grandpa’s funeral and it’s been a really weird but beautiful experience. He died, at his request, last Tuesday and that was special. I wasn’t physically with him on Tuesday but I felt him leaving this earth. I remember I sat in the bus home and started to feel nauseous and couldn’t breath for a bit. My mom texted the time of death a little later and I knew I felt him leaving at he moment I didn’t feel great and that is a special moment to remember. When I talked to my cousin later he told me it was amazing that my grandpa really got his wish and had a clear mind on the day he died. He wanted to die, but his body didn’t listen so they set up an appointment to end it. The last couple of weeks he was out of it most of the time but on Tuesday he was clear as a whistle and his wife and kids and partners were able to really say goodbye to him. And he died the way he wanted it too and he got his wish, which is really nice. At first I hoped he’d go before this appointment but after the talk to my cousin I believe he is right. My grandpa wanted to die and wanted to do it his own way, and that’s what he did, that’s what happened and that’s beautiful. 

Today in the church I broke down while my mom and my eldest sister said their words. They were so beautiful and the moment I broke down and let myself break down I could picture my grandpa standing next to me (a younger version of him anyway) and say “It’s okay” and that was so great cause it really felt okay. 
The speeches where lovely and it was amazing to see how many people there were. He’d touched so many people’s live cause the church was full of people and I feel humbled for all of us that we’ve known this amazing man.
My grandpa just turned 93 in June and I’m truly grateful to have had him with us for so long. I feel so lucky to have had him in my life till I was 32, not a lot of people can say that and I realise that whole heartedly. That’s what also made it special.

An other thing that caught me of guard where my cousins. They are both very strong guys with a “give ‘em hell” attitude and it was amazing to see them both break down. They just kept crying and it was beautiful. I love that these days make you stronger as a family (even if it’s just the one day) and that everyone just lets go and doesn’t care what other people do or don’t. 
I’m not religious but I broke bread for my grandpa, to honour him and his believes and that was special too. I noticed my sisters and my cousins did the same and I believe we are all in the same boat on this too :)

I live in Holland but the US has always been my home (I’m born and raised Dutch, but my heart has always been in the US) and I know in my heart that very soon I will be living in the US. I don’t know how or where, but I know it’s going to happen. I realised, walking to the bus with my cousin, that the reason I don’t live in the US yet is because this had to happen first. I needed to say goodbye to grandpa, I needed to be here for him and that feels weird. Cause even though I still have two grandma’s I think now I can go now. I don’t know why but it feels like that now. I’ll be in the US for a road trip in March and April 2015 and I know when I come back I have everything figured out. I told my cousin and he broke down again, he said it was beautiful that I related that to grandpa. That was a nice chat. And I’m not going to think about the why, cause I can’t explain it. My feelings are always right and for me it doesn’t matter how and where, just that it is. 

So even though there’s been a ton of crying today there’s also been great things. I’m not saying crying isn’t good, cause crying is great :) Grandpa was the best, he was proud of all of his grandchildren and I have a lot of good memories (my dads shed smells like my granddads used to smell ;) ) and I know his soul has started somewhere fresh. He moved on to a new adventure and that is amazing.

All I can now is have a great night/ day/ morning wherever you are and you all!

<3

Me

Alternate universes: yay or nay?

Do you think there are alternate universes? I believe it could be true. That sounds like a very standard answer for every question you don’t know the answer too but I have some thoughts about it. I don’t know if they exist, cause nobody really does, but I do believe we on earth are not the only one in the Universe. The universe is huge so to say we are the only living creatures in the universe is hard to believe for me.

I think it would be amazing if there were alternate universes! Could you imagine what it would be like to live in something so completely different (like Avatar, well that was just a planet and not a different Universe but still) or so much the same (like Fringe where they cross Universes) with little differences. I don’t know if there would be a “person” like me in an other universe but it is cool to think other Universes can exist. This one is so big, there is no end (that we know of) but it is cool to think about the fact that our universe might consist in an even larger universe (Men in Black). Man that would be awesome :D

If there are alternate Universes I would like to have a sneak peek behind the curtain just to see what’s what, how do people live there, what is life there like. Is it really so different than here or are there just minor differences? Maybe if there is a way to exchange people between other world, what could we learn from each other? I think the answers to these questions are interesting and I am dying to know the answers. Speaking of dying, what if we go to a different universe when we actually die? That’s a question I never really thought of, but that’s an interesting one as well. Do we remember which universe we came from, is that what Deja Vu is all about? They say it’s our brains trying to pull memories together from earlier experiences, but some things you never experienced and still feel like you do. Is that a glimpse in an other universe? Hmm those are some cool thoughts I will think about more, cause isn’t it fun to fantasise about things like this? I believe so ;)

-xoxo-

Friendships

A hand full of people is the amount of people I call my family. Next to my family I have a circle of good friends. Some of my friends I see once a few months, some more, some less. Every friendship is different and it amazes me how a friendship can evolve and the bonds between some get stronger.

Here’s a couple of amazing things I want to share with you. First of all the fact that I never had many friends. The people surrounding me where always talking about so many people and hanging out with groups of friends. I never had that and I was a bit jealous of those people. Later I learned that most of those big group friendships where jut people to hang out with, nothing more. They didn’t care to care much about people, they just wanted to hang out. That’s okay, I’m not saying it isn’t but that’s not friendship for me. Friendship for me is the people in my life who are here unconditionally, no matter how crazy I am, no matter what. They are here for me because they want to be in my life. They want to share my highs and go with me through the lows and I’m oh so grateful I have these amazing people in my life now!

Some friends I don’t see a lot, only a couple of times a year (or for my international friends even once a couple of years) but when we are together it’s like we’ve never parted. With some I just hang, relax, talk a bit but are able to just be. Just sit and not talk, don’t feel obligated to talk at all, and I like that. With some I go deep, deep conversations, amazing ideas and just going crazy, which I love too :D Cause let’s face it: We’re all a little wacky, we’re all a little weird ;)

There’s one lady that truly is my soulmate (I’ve wrote about her before). She’s my sister, and when I need a brother she’s that for me too :) Every time we are together, on the phone or just via text or e-mail I feel we’re growing closer to each other. And that’s such an amazing feeling to have. And I don’t know where our friendship will go but I’m sure she will always be there.

With other friends I feel some distance, but that’s okay. I believe that the people who are in your life are there for a reason. They have to be there at that stage in your life and when it’s time to grow or leave this stage you might have to leave those people too. I’m not saying you have to get rid of your friends when you step into a different stage in your life, I’m just saying the friendships will be different accordingly. I used to pull about friendships when I thought people were going to leave. I’ve put so much effort in previous friendships that really weren’t friendships, cause they didn’t treat me like I did them. And it has cost me so much energy that I’m not doing that any more. I get in touch with people of course, but if they don’t reply I’m not going to think much of it any more. They either want to be part of my life or they don’t it’s that simple. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with my friends, I’m just not going to be pull so hard anymore.

An other story is about a friend I made online, through Twitter to be exact. I don’t know exactly how we got to talking, well it started with tweets about SPN but than it came to poems I believe. I saw a poem of hers and she asked if I could look at the English and help her out with that. So I did and than we got to talking and now we’re e-mailing a whole lot. And about everything! I truly feel like she’s part of my family, she knows everything about me and knows exactly who I am and that’s something amazing. She sent me the following a couple of weeks back that got me teared up.

“And I am really glad that I have you in my life, there are only few people who really get me and you are one of them. You are special! :) There are so many things that I share only with you! With you I can be myself. I can say whatever I want and you have helped me in so many ways..so Thank you! :)

You are a great human being and an awesome friend. You are an angel who brightens everyone’s life :) You have your own problems to deal with yet you take time to listen to other people’s problems and try to help them. You are different because we never met, never actually spoke and still you care about me and that’s something I have never seen in anyone in my entire life! You could have avoided me or just reply to me casually but you really cared and helped and you were there when I needed some one to motivate me..I don’t know how many times I have said this but you really are a part of my life and I’m really glad that we get along and became friends! :)

You are the strongest person I have know, You had a pretty rough past but you didn’t let it ruin your future, You did find your way and keep your self away from all the negativeness..only a strong person can do that.

You should share your feelings and problems with the ones who cares for you and I bet there are so many people who really care about YOU! You..just you, the way you are..you are perfect.. and believe me you can change people..and if you can change a person like me than you can definitely change the world if you want. ;)

“Don’t ever change” “

I feel the same about her. I know that with all of my friends I can talk about my problems, but I’m fortunate that I found people online that I can truly call my friends who I know will also always be there. And it is not just her it’s a bunch of other people too, their not as close as this amazing lady but that doesn’t mean it’s not special and I’m not grateful. I’m grateful for all the people in my life, the once that were and the ones that are.

So for all of you: Thank you!

-xoxo-

This is it, this is what I want ;)

After seeing an amazing performance (check the link) of Gil McKinney at Supernatural’s #DCCon and an interesting talk I figured out what I want. I want to feel like the lyrics of this song about someone. That must be such an incredible feeling to have, I never had that about anybody. I’d give my life for my friends but that’s different than finding that one special person, who I’m sure is out there for everybody :D

I found the lyric’s of John Legend’s amazing song All of  Me and I started to listen to them and it almost made me cry. Such beautiful lyrics and I started thinking that I miss this sometimes. Sometimes I wish I had someone I could feel this about, I don’t miss it all of the time but deep down I really want something like this. There are so many amazing songs that have such incredible lyrics and this one just hit me.

Gil’s performance was just mind blowing! I think I love his version even better than John Legend’s and that one is incredible! I have this song on repeat the whole day as of today and I can’t get enough, but than again that is soooo me too ;) I can listen to a song for days and not getting tired of it at all.

So here’s the lyrics:

What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright

My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing in my head for you

My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
Give me all of you, ohohoh

Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all though it’s hard

Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all, of you, ohh

Have a good night y’all.

Much of <3

-xoxo-

Ils

Who am I?

That’s a question I think a lot of people are asking themselves or get asked and don’t know the answer to right away. I think I know myself pretty well and I felt it was time to write it down. There’s a lot more to tell about me than this blog, but these are the thought’s that are keeping me up tonight so these are the ones I have to put on the screen.

Some of the things I write down might sound cruel or harsh, but this is the way I feel and if I keep it inside I’m only hurting myself. I never wanted to hurt people, I strongly believe in speaking your mind as long as it comes from the heart. And this one is.

It is okay to not knowing who you are. It’s hard to get a hold on yourself if society expects you to be someone who you think you are not. I have the same. I’m 32, single, with a decent job, an apartment (sort of) and great friends. A lot of people in their 30′s are settled down with a partner and kids and live in a house while having a good job, the job they wanted (or maybe just settled for). But that’s just not me. I don’t want to settle for a job that doesn’t make me happy. I don’t want to settle for a partner I am not completely in love with and know that person is the one (even though settling with someone who is great and you care about might be a lot easier). I don’t want to live in a house that doesn’t feel like it is mine. I want the world! And that might sound ridiculous but I have dreams, I have big dreams I know. But I also know that if I set my mind to it, work on everything that is still bothering me, I can have what I want and I will have what I truly desire :D

People might call me a geek cause I love to watch Sci-fi shows and movies (like movies from Marvel, Buffy, Angel, The Tomorrow People, Arrow, Transformers and so on). I never thought of myself as a sci-fi geek, but I’ve always loved the science fictional TV shows and movies. Supernatural is THE TV show of my life. What that show is doing to me and other people I’ve been writing about in other blogs, but I can honestly say it changed my life. Maybe not the show directly but the cast, crew and other fans did for sure. I’ve made some amazing friends through that show and I am truly grateful that this show has changed my life. And I’m super exited that I can finally say my thanks to the cast and crew next year at their convention in Las Vegas. It’ll be an amazing start of my 2 month road trip :D

I have never felt I belonged. Not with my family, not in Holland (where I’ve been born and bread) and not in the house that I live in. People keep saying “Oh you have such an amazing house/ apartment” and all I can think about is “Yes it is lovely, but it’s not my home, it is just for the time being”. The times where I do feel like home is when I’m in the USA. That might sound crazy but it is the truth. The first time I was there it felt like it should. I can’t explain it, but I remember to this day that when we where standing on The Strip in Las Vegas I was thinking “Yup, I knew it would feel like this, nothing special, feels like I belong”. And it felt like I have been there before. I was 17 at the time and at 19 I flew to Tallahassee and spend 5 weeks with a friend, when I was 23 I went to study Media and Theatre Arts at Montana Stated University in Bozeman for a year, the year after I came back, the same 2/3 years later and the last time was in 2011. Every time I have a trip planned to the US I feel like I’m going home.

That feeling is weird to have and I’ve been thinking about that for a long time. Why would that feel like home, is that because it’s a safe place, am I running away from here, is that truly home? How can it feel like home when I’ve been living in Holland for 30 years? That thought has haunted me for quite some time and someone just recently told me that it’s okay. He said “So what? What’s so wrong with running away to a place you feel like is home?” And that got me thinking too. My past hasn’t been very nice here and the US has always felt like home, so why is that a bad thing? For some unexplainable reason Holland has always felt like a lay-over for me, don’t know why but I’m done thinking about the why and just accepting that it is.

As I wrote down above I never felt I belonged, always felt out off place, never did what people expected (not even now), always had big dreams (even though most people never knew about them), always doing things my way (as far as I could). My family never felt like family. That doesn’t mean I have bad ties with my family, not at all, but it never felt I was part of it for some reason. I strongly believe in “Family don’t end with blood” and “Just because you’re blood, doesn’t mean your family”. And as hard as it was for me to realise or write down for me that’s what it is. I surround myself with a couple of amazing people (all around the world) who I call my family and for me they truly are. That doesn’t mean I don’t care for my relatives and that I don’t spend time with them, for me it’s just different.

Helping people is one thing I really want to do in my life. I believe I’ve always tried to help people, but maybe that was just pleasing others so the noticed me, I’m not sure, but I’ve always been someone people could rely on and trust. I am proud that I’ve established that with my friends as well, they come to me and they don’t have to tell me not to tell anyone else, cause they know I won’t. I feel strongly about not talking about other people. If you want to tell the whole world something you should, if you only tell me I won’t tell anybody else, cause that’s not my place and I don’t want it to be. I want to be a safe harbour where people can tell their stories without being misunderstood but feel welcome and listened too. One of my strengths is to being able to empathise with people even though I haven’t experienced it myself. I don’t judge and my friends keep saying that they love that about me. I kinda love that about myself too, but on the other hand, why would I judge? I don’t know why you made that decision, you must have had a reason to do that. I don’t want my friends to be hurt but I’m sure as hell not going to tell them they are making the wrong decision, I will tell them what I think and if I’m concerned or not and that I don’t want them to get hurt, but I’m not going to tell them what to do or not. I will tell them what I feel though, and they appreciate that as well.

I do a lot of things by myself, always have and always will. I go on trips by myself, go to concerts abroad, movies, dinner, whatever it is, if I want to do something and there aren’t people who want to tag along I just go by myself. The fact that I’m alone doesn’t mean I am not going to do the things that I love. People say they admire that about me, for me that’s just who I am, nothing more, nothing less.

I don’t take credit for anything and status doesn’t do me much. After all I’ve been through I did go to school and college and the moment it was time to pick up my Bachelors Diploma I was like “Do I have to go there?” It didn’t do me much, I went to school, I made it and I was out. I have the same with every accomplishment in my life. The fact that I arranged the whole exchange program for me and a few other classmates didn’t do me much. It was how it was supposed to be. That’s what everything in my life is like. If I think I need help, I go out and seek it. If I think something needs to be done, I do it. If I want to do something (like skydiving or go to a concert abroad) I don’t hesitate and take action and do it (alone or not), no big deal. What I need to learn more is that these things DO MATTER, these are great accomplishments and when I think about it I know it rationally but I don’t really feel it. It was what was supposed to happen that time, so it did.

I know I trust my instincts and I have to rely on them more. My feelings and my gut are always right, I just need to trust them more. It was just a few years back that I started to notice what my gut was telling me and just started to do what I wanted and if I didn’t feel like doing something that I chose for myself in stead of just saying yes and feeling bad after. This change was a good one and also a scary one, I was never the one saying no, and now I was the one that said no most of the time. But I decided that I should choose me instead of pleasing others. It’s my life and I have to be happy with what I do, so there ya go ;) It is still hard sometimes to choose me, but when I’ve made that decision I know I’ve been right and that gives me peace of mind.

So why am I so afraid to take the next step in my life and take action on a move to the US? I tell you why and it doesn’t make that much sense. I think too much about what other people think about me. There’s a lot of people that hate the US and always bitch about it (“It’s not easy to go there”, “You know health care is horrible”, “What are you going to do there, what kind of job”, “How are you going to arrange everything”, “The government is crazy”, “Wages aren’t fair” and so on). I’m afraid of the reactions from other and also the fact that I don’t have the answers, I don’t know what I’m going to do there, what job I’m going to have, where I’m going to live. That’s a scary thought, but I feel it’ll all work out, even though I don’t have the answers yet. An other thing is that I am going to have to leave every safe aspect of my life behind if I do (my house, job, friends and family). That’s a part that makes me nervous, but on the other hand I can get back here if it doesn’t turn out. I’ve been keeping this dream for myself and only a couple of other people that are very close to me, but I’m done keeping it a “secret”. For most of the people who know me, this shouldn’t come as a surprise, if it is they don’t know me very well. I want to go there, I need to go there, it is my home. I don’t care about when, how or what, I’m not going to worry about it, because I know it’ll happen. Maybe soon,maybe in a few years, I don’t know, but I know it’ll happen and I’m ready for it. I’m not going to keep this in any longer, cause it’s only hurting me to keep this inside. I know for a fact that I can finally go home and that it all makes sense, whatever it is, whatever I’m going to do it will be great! And next years road trip will have a huge part to play but again I’m ready “Bring it on!!!”:D

-xoxo-

Ils

Supernatural: Bloodlines, please don’t……..

So after all this hype about the spin off, which I was concerned about from the moment I heard about it, it finally aired. And I’m disappointed that my feelings were right. They could’ve done so much more with this “spin off”, which actually wasn’t really a spin off, but just the introduction of a new show where they put the name Supernatural on. Honestly I am majorly disappointed, I don’t like to be negative, but I love Supernatural and this Bloodlines episode doesn’t deserve to be called Supernatural.

I thought it was supposed to be a Supernatural episode introducing the families in Chicago that “Supernatural: Bloodlines” is about and not a different show with Sam and Dean just popping in because “oh yeah they are Supernatural so they have to have some screen time”. The episode might have started with a crime like in Supernatural, but it didn’t feel like that at all. The way it started was like watching an NCIS Los Angeles episode, and I got the same kind of vibe from this episode as I get from that series. The music also didn’t fit for a Supernatural episode.

The vibe was totally off, it didn’t feel like Supernatural and I don’t think it’s fair to call it a spin off of the show. It doesn’t deserve the name. If the episode was an episode about Sam and Dean finding out about something weird going on in Chicago and they went after it and found out about the five families it would be so much different. If they also incorporated some of the things the boys are dealing with right now (the way the MOC affects Dean and that they have other “priorities” than this monster in Chicago, about Crowley/ Abbadon and even Cas or their worry about Charlie or something), maybe they could’ve join forces with some people there, it might’ve earned the name. Than it could be a spin off but the fact that they just threw Sam and Dean in it is not fair, not for the characters, the show and it is disrespectful for the actors (Jared and Jensen). They’ve earned a lot more than just a “cameo” in a series that is supposed to be a spin off of the show THEY created, a show THEY build, a show THEY have made huge and amazing.

This episode was so out of place, I don’t get it. It should’ve just been a pilot, but not a whole Supernatural episode, especially now that there’s so much going on with the boys and the stories. There’s too much too tell in so little time and they screwed it up by using a whole episode for a pilot for a new show. Again: if it was just a hunt it would be okay, if it was a real Sam and Dean hunt, but this, no this isn’t Supernatural. The fact that we didn’t get to see their “usual” way of hunting shouldn’t be an issue. Even the “out of line” episodes of SPN like “The Ghost Facers”, “The French Mistake”, “Dog Dean Afternoon”, “Bitten” and other episodes felt like Supernatural.

I also don’t get why Sam and Dean have never heard about these families in Chicago? They could’ve read it in the MOL archives, they have  everything in there so I am surprised they didn’t know about that. Especially because it’s a big deal and it’s five monster families. The MOL have so much information and this is such a big one to miss…..

Sam and Dean wouldn’t let that kid kill the “monster of the week” guy. Well maybe Dean would in his MOC condition (which I     didn’t see anything from in this episode) but Sam definitely wouldn’t. His morals are still “We hunt evil and kill monsters, but we don’t kill people” (well except Gordon ….). They also wouldn’t just leave like they did. Okay they had a Metatron to get back too, but they would never just drop everything and run, it’s not in them and it never will be. It’s a job and they always finish a job before going back to their other priorities, like killing Abbadon/ Crowley or Metatron. They would’ve made sure the kid was okay, get them in touch with at least Garth or some other hunter to make sure he will be safe or be trained for this life. Not just a quick “sorry, we have to go, figure it out by yourself” line…

Also Dean wasn’t acting like Dean from the last couple of SPN episodes. Dean was so much “lighter” than he was in even the last episode “Alex, Annie,  Alexis, Ann”. He was a lot more rough in those episodes and affected by the MOC, did you see his black eyes?? But this episode he had is wit, called Sam Sammy again and had some humor, we haven’t seen that in a while so that was out of place too.

If they call this a spin off why not call The Vampire Diaries a spin off? It’s also about monsters, but is a separate show. Bloodlines for me like that too. It could be just an other supernatural show, but it shouldn’t be connected to SPN. After watching this episode I’m sorry to say that I’m not gonna watch the rest of the series if it will be aired.

Don’t get me wrong, I think I might’ve liked it if it was just me tuning into a new show, but this was a Supernatural episode without the Supernatural vibe. If you  missed this episode you didn’t miss anything about the show. The boys where not like the boys at all, they were different and it all just felt different. There was nothing in Bloodlines reminding us about Supernatural, except the fact that Sam and Dean were in it for a bit.

Getting in touch with my Intuition: an interesting day trying to figure it out

Last Saturday I had an interesting day about intuition. What is intuition for me and when do you listen to it and when not. I act a lot on my feelings, but I didn’t know if that was the same as my intuition. After this day I think it is. My gut feeling always tells when something is wrong and I believe that is the same for me.

They told us that there’s a moment we’ve been working hard and the intuition is in the moments when we calm down, take a step back, relax and enjoy, stand still. That moment is also a moment when creativity happens and manifests in each of us. If we work too hard and don’t relax and get in touch with ourselves, we can’t find our intuition. It gets buried deep inside of us and because we can’t find our inner peace and calm we can’t get in touch of it anymore. So to stand still, take a deep breath and relax we can find what our intuition is saying to us.

We did some yoga and meditation and some techniques where pretty interesting and I will keep them in mind. Like looking at your future self and pretending to talk to a very old and wise person, than switch roles and give advice or an answer to me. Amazing what came out of these few exercises. An other meditation technique was to find your future self (in about 20 years). We could ask ourselves everything and it was interesting what answer I got. I got an the answer to take a step back. My future self felt really calm at her place, right where she needed to be. She was happy and content and felt peaceful. The thing I notices was we were in a house that I’ve been imagining too. So that was pretty interesting that she/ I was/ am living in my dream house in 20 years.

There was this exercise where you had to give away control of your legs. We had to lie down, relax and the other person had to lift our legs and make circles with them. We had to give away control, which was really hard. I felt like I was falling down and was completely out of balance, which was quite uncomfortable and very rough on my back. I liked the exercise though, cause you could really feel how much you want to be in control and how hard it is to trust someone else.

The last thing we had to do is to write down our saboteurs and let them ride with us in the car. The biggest one had to sit next to us and the other in the back seat. I had to start the car and they had to tell us the lines we prepared for them and we had to act on it. So they said the thing that we think about, why we can’t do something or what’s holding us back, and than we explain why we can do what we want and set our minds too. It was funny to experience that it was pretty hard, for me at least, to talk to these doubts/ negative feelings/ statements and say out loud what I wanted and that it will happen, and that I want to go for what I want. At the end I made it and it felt GOOD :D

I’ve been talking to a few people about my dreams at the workshop and also about my being stuck and almost having a burn out. I want to cry and when I feel it come up and I accept it being there and think “Okay let’s come” it never does. Maybe I shouldn’t think about it in those moment, and just let it be, but that’s so hard. Maybe it’s because I am in control when I say it’s okay. I should learn to let these feelings in and share them when I need to. It’s okay to cry when I want to cry, even if it’s not convenient.

I got back a lot that it’s a strength that I have such an insight in myself. I know at what point I’m standing in my life now and that things need to change and that I should be proud of that I recognise that I need rest and need to take of myself and resolve what ever issues I still keep dragging with me. It’s time for me to get ready to give it all a place and let all the sadness and anger out. It’s all old but it’s still there. I feel I can scream sometimes, but I’m too afraid to do that. I’m thinking to much about what other people might think of me when I do that. But that’s something for a different post, this one was about this amazing day of discovering how to listen to my intuition and act on it and what the things are that keep me from following this.

A few things that I’ve notices about myself were pretty surprising but also very calming. I noticed that I had eye contact with other people a lot more than I normally have. I normally pay attention and hear what other people have to say, but eye contact is something that I barely notice doing. I know I’ve been flying all over with my eyes when I normally talk, but I kept having eye contact and felt comfortable to do that. I felt safe doing that.

The other thing that I never ever do is answer a question first. But this day I did. When the asked about our experiences after the exercises I usually was the first person to speak. I don’t know, the first time I was a bit nervous about that. But later I wasn’t. I wanted to share my experiences (just like I do with this blog) and it felt safe to do. Not that in other environments I don’t feel safe but I used to feel scared to say what I have to say. But not this day, so there’s an other plus :D